Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 229

orlok · 08-06-2011, 02:05 PM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Lycoming · 08-06-2011, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

DOH! You were supposed to push the cap up bottom, not the deodorant stick.

BOb

I tried that, wrong thread!

Lycoming · 08-06-2011, 03:04 PM

The British Border Agency is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle, pictured below, and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.

wodin · 08-06-2011, 04:42 PM

Wonderful!

My browser only showed me the top part of the picture, the part without the “tires", when I scrolled down I nearly lost a mouthful of coffee!

Karma to you for my inadequate browser!

Fbone · 08-06-2011, 04:56 PM

Marriage is a fine institution. But I don't think I'm ready to be put in an institution yet.

Fbone · 08-07-2011, 07:59 PM

Another marriage one...

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

afa · 08-08-2011, 06:08 AM

All marriages are happy -- it's the living together afterward that's the problem.

Lycoming · 08-08-2011, 01:24 PM

Another ancient joke, but it still makes me chuckle.

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick
your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

afa · 08-08-2011, 01:31 PM

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Monk all walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them, whips out his shotgun, and guns them down.

The End.

Fbone · 08-08-2011, 05:34 PM

'Cause marriage jokes are so much fun ...

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

MJK2111 · 08-09-2011, 10:54 AM

Today's special word is "legs"...

Help spread the word!

orlok · 08-09-2011, 02:13 PM

20 Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Fbone · 08-10-2011, 02:44 AM

May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper.

orlok · 08-10-2011, 04:45 AM

How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler:

issybird · 08-10-2011, 10:36 AM

Irish foreplay: "Brace yourself, Bridget!"

08-10-2011, 04:45 AM	#3434
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb? Spoiler: One. But you'll need a lot of light bulbs.

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08-06-2011, 02:05 PM	#3421
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

08-06-2011, 03:04 PM	#3423
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	The British Border Agency is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel. If you see the vehicle, pictured below, and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.

08-06-2011, 04:42 PM	#3424
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Wonderful! My browser only showed me the top part of the picture, the part without the “tires", when I scrolled down I nearly lost a mouthful of coffee! Karma to you for my inadequate browser!

08-06-2011, 04:56 PM	#3425
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Marriage is a fine institution. But I don't think I'm ready to be put in an institution yet.

08-07-2011, 07:59 PM	#3426
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Another marriage one... Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

08-08-2011, 06:08 AM	#3427
afa The Forgotten Posts: 1,136 Karma: 4689999 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Dubai Device: Kindle Paperwhite; Nook HD; Sony Xperia Z3 Compact	All marriages are happy -- it's the living together afterward that's the problem.

08-08-2011, 01:24 PM	#3428
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Another ancient joke, but it still makes me chuckle. Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?" Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

08-08-2011, 01:31 PM	#3429
afa The Forgotten Posts: 1,136 Karma: 4689999 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Dubai Device: Kindle Paperwhite; Nook HD; Sony Xperia Z3 Compact	A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Monk all walk into a bar. The bartender sees them, whips out his shotgun, and guns them down. The End.

08-08-2011, 05:34 PM	#3430
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	'Cause marriage jokes are so much fun ... Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

08-09-2011, 10:54 AM	#3431
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Today's special word is "legs"... Help spread the word!

08-09-2011, 02:13 PM	#3432
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	20 Tips to improve your writing 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

08-10-2011, 02:44 AM	#3433
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper.

08-10-2011, 10:36 AM	#3435
issybird o saeclum infacetum Posts: 21,327 Karma: 234636059 Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: New England Device: Mini, H2O, Glo HD, Aura One, PW4, PW5	Irish foreplay: "Brace yourself, Bridget!"