Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 225

benham · 07-24-2011, 10:37 AM

pilotbob · 07-24-2011, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
__________________

I was expecting:

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen because they only had $6 between them.

BOb

Fbone · 07-24-2011, 02:55 PM

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

benham · 07-24-2011, 03:55 PM

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust
and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on
their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and
brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according
to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a
half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait,
it is only a matter of time...

odiakkoh · 07-25-2011, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Usually means our modem is out :P

MJK2111 · 07-25-2011, 12:47 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

MJK2111 · 07-25-2011, 12:53 PM

Micheal Jackson and his wife were in the hospital in the maternity ward after the birth of his son, and MJ had a question for the doctor. "How long do I have to wait before we can start having sex?" he asked.

The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

MJK2111 · 07-25-2011, 12:54 PM

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one ask the other: Does this taste funny to you?

MJK2111 · 07-25-2011, 01:07 PM

I met an older woman at a club last night.

She was a pretty good looker at 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a
cuddle & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and
daughter threesome.

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

Fbone · 07-26-2011, 03:05 AM

Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

orlok · 07-26-2011, 12:15 PM

My mate's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,

"Not bad. I've been using that powdered stuff."

Fbone · 07-26-2011, 09:28 PM

Don't teach your children the value of a dollar. If they find out, they'll ask for two.

Falcao · 07-26-2011, 09:51 PM

PeterT · 07-26-2011, 09:59 PM

Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

Lycoming · 07-27-2011, 07:12 AM

Very good

I must be one twisted individual.

07-26-2011, 09:51 PM	#3373
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650	A modern woman

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07-24-2011, 10:37 AM	#3361
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)

07-24-2011, 02:55 PM	#3363
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

07-24-2011, 03:55 PM	#3364
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY 8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite! 11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite! 4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite! 5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite! 5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite! 6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 283 Of My Captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

07-25-2011, 12:47 PM	#3366
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

07-25-2011, 12:53 PM	#3367
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Micheal Jackson and his wife were in the hospital in the maternity ward after the birth of his son, and MJ had a question for the doctor. "How long do I have to wait before we can start having sex?" he asked. The doctor replied, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

07-25-2011, 12:54 PM	#3368
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Two cannibals are eating a clown, one ask the other: Does this taste funny to you?

07-25-2011, 01:07 PM	#3369
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	I met an older woman at a club last night. She was a pretty good looker at 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a cuddle & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome. I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?"

07-26-2011, 03:05 AM	#3370
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.

07-26-2011, 12:15 PM	#3371
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	My mate's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad. I've been using that powdered stuff."

07-26-2011, 09:28 PM	#3372
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Don't teach your children the value of a dollar. If they find out, they'll ask for two.

07-26-2011, 09:59 PM	#3374
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,545 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

07-27-2011, 07:12 AM	#3375
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Very good I must be one twisted individual.