Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[MJK2111]

Little Jonny's mother was cleaning his room one day when she found a bondage/s&m magazine in his closet.
She hides it until her husband comes home, at which point she hands it to him, exclaming,"This is what I found in Little Jonny's closet today."
He hands it back to her is disbelief.
She asks him, several minutes later, "what are we going to do?"
To which he responds, "well we sure as hell aren't going to spank him!"

[MJK2111]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[MJK2111]

Bloopers from our UK friends:

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

[MJK2111]

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
A. He bought a warehouse.

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
A. He sold his soul to Santa.

[MJK2111]

A guy is walking through a forest and stumbles upon a clearing. He sits down upon a fallen tree trunk to take a break. He's admiring the beauty of Mother Nature when he turns and notices a very small man sat upon a toadstool, with his head between his knees.

He's never seen such a small fully grown person before and is quite intrigued, so he asks "Excuse me Sir, are you a goblin?"

The small man replies "No, I've got a headache!"

[MJK2111]

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

[Lycoming]

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."



Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

[Falcao]

CNN is reporting that Alberto Contador may be stripped of his 2010 Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, three were found in Contador's hotel room.

The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in Contador's hotel room were as follows:

Toothpaste
Deodorant
Soap

[Falcao]

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by MJK2111

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??"

In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'".

Jeez! I almost peed in my pants!

But I admit I might have for real In this guy's place... Out of fear!

[Stitchawl]

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
-----------------------------------------
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and
will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his
tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like
peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be
with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind
them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy
of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they
were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.



Stitchawl

[orlok]

Originally Posted by Falcao

CNN is reporting that Alberto Contador may be stripped of his 2010 Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, three were found in Contador's hotel room.

The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in Contador's hotel room were as follows:

Toothpaste
Deodorant
Soap

You are really asking for trouble...

[Lycoming]

The year is 2012 and the United States has just elected Eric Cantor (R) as the first Jewish president of the United States. Eric calls up his mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?'

Oh Mom, replies Eric, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2012, Eric Cantor is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

'You see that man over there with his hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?'

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'His brother is a doctor.'

[badgoodDeb]

LOL!!!

[Fbone]

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.