Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 221

Lycoming · 07-14-2011, 07:08 AM

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"

orlok · 07-14-2011, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"

Lycoming · 07-14-2011, 11:51 AM

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I put this on here ages ago, hopefully most of you delinquents have forgotten the punchline by now.

Paddy who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make
it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya
man...you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Paddy hits
the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!!" said the lifeguard, "Mate! The potato goes in front!!!!"

Lycoming · 07-14-2011, 01:03 PM

A message for the bloke in the wheelchair who stole my camouflaged jacket.

"You can hide, but you can't run."

Fbone · 07-14-2011, 02:50 PM

Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye.
I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I'm just happy cows can't fly!

Lycoming · 07-14-2011, 04:31 PM

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

Falcao · 07-15-2011, 02:07 AM

MJK2111 · 07-15-2011, 08:25 AM

What's the difference between a doctor and a bartender?

A doctor has to look at only one arsehole at a time...

orlok · 07-15-2011, 05:17 PM

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a twenty hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great. That's REALLY great!! Some arsehole's got my pen!

Fbone · 07-15-2011, 05:24 PM

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

pilotbob · 07-15-2011, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Sure, but only 1 per year per person. If you move to the moon you get a trip around the earth each month. NICE!

BOb

Fbone · 07-16-2011, 03:03 AM

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Fbone · 07-16-2011, 03:04 AM

I sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Fbone · 07-16-2011, 11:46 PM

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Fbone · 07-17-2011, 02:36 PM

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

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07-14-2011, 07:08 AM	#3301
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member. The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"

07-14-2011, 11:51 AM	#3303
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? I put this on here ages ago, hopefully most of you delinquents have forgotten the punchline by now. Paddy who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach were disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!!" said the lifeguard, "Mate! The potato goes in front!!!!"

07-14-2011, 01:03 PM	#3304
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A message for the bloke in the wheelchair who stole my camouflaged jacket. "You can hide, but you can't run."

07-14-2011, 02:50 PM	#3305
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I'm just happy cows can't fly!

07-14-2011, 04:31 PM	#3306
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark?"

07-15-2011, 02:07 AM	#3307
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650

07-15-2011, 08:25 AM	#3308
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	What's the difference between a doctor and a bartender? A doctor has to look at only one arsehole at a time...

07-15-2011, 05:17 PM	#3309
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a twenty hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her bag and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted cashier and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great. That's REALLY great!! Some arsehole's got my pen!

07-15-2011, 05:24 PM	#3310
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

07-16-2011, 03:03 AM	#3312
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

07-16-2011, 03:04 AM	#3313
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

07-16-2011, 11:46 PM	#3314
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

07-17-2011, 02:36 PM	#3315
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?