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Old 06-18-2009, 08:54 PM   #316
rebarnmom
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When I die, I hope I go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did...

...not screaming in terror like the three other people in his car.
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Everyone keeps asking me about this one. Yes, Eleanor Roosevelt really did say it AFAIK. She had a great sense of humor.
And so do you!
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Old 06-18-2009, 09:45 PM   #317
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More humor from the great white north

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London (England) and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentlman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?"

The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'"
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Old 06-19-2009, 07:32 PM   #318
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Just saw this one today:

Two penguins walk into a bar, which is silly - the second one should have seen it.
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Old 06-21-2009, 02:09 PM   #319
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Quote:
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Just saw this one today:

Two penguins walk into a bar, which is silly - the second one should have seen it.
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Old 06-21-2009, 04:22 PM   #320
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What was the first thing Scotty said while visiting the British Isles?

There be Wales!


... yeah I know, *grooooooooan*.
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Old 06-21-2009, 04:26 PM   #321
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Originally Posted by Dylrob View Post
What was the first thing Scotty said while visiting the British Isles?

There be Wales!


... yeah I know, *grooooooooan*.
Well, if we're doing bad whale puns....

....what do Eskimos sing at meal-times?

"Whale-meat again, don't know where, don't know when..."
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:16 PM   #322
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i know many ppl hate him... but he's hilarious! my fave joke!
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:17 PM   #323
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i know many ppl hate him... but he's hilarious! my fave joke!

My Cd's are in his trunk!
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Old 06-21-2009, 07:35 PM   #324
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Last Tuesday, as Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
Obama replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared-away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir.…"
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Old 06-22-2009, 02:06 AM   #325
rebarnmom
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Budget Alternative
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander
the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.
5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.
I've seen the US version of this. Why does this make perfect sense to me?
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Old 06-22-2009, 02:13 AM   #326
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Nurse to doctor: There's a man in the waiting room, who wants to use our scale.
Doctor to nurse: Tell him, "No weigh!"

(sounded better when my daughter was telling it)
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Old 06-22-2009, 08:22 PM   #327
ShortNCuddlyAm
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Nurse to doctor: There's a man in the waiting room, who wants to use our scale.
Doctor to nurse: Tell him, "No weigh!"

(sounded better when my daughter was telling it)
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Old 06-22-2009, 09:41 PM   #328
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i know many ppl hate him... but he's hilarious! my fave joke!
Currently, we can embed YouTube videos only. The code for MySpace does not work with the YouTube tags on it. For those interested (and it is a funny bit), the Dane Cook video they wanted to present can be found through this link.
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Old 06-26-2009, 02:56 AM   #329
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What did Abraham Lincoln say when he woke up with a headache after a three day drinking binge?

"I freed the WHAT...?!"
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Old 06-26-2009, 04:48 AM   #330
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Here's one my dad told me a couple of weeks ago. (in English; it isn't funny in Dutch)

Please be aware that this is a somewhat vulgar joke, so if you're easily offended, do not read on.


Two guys, a rich one and a poor one, are discussing the wedding anniversary presents they bought their wives.

The rich one says: "I bought her a diamond ring and a BMW. So if she doesn't like the ring, she can return it to the store while driving the BMW and still be happy."

The poor one replies: "I bought mine a pair of slippers and a dildo. So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."
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