Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 214

Fbone · 06-17-2011, 09:41 PM

You can't scare me, I have children.

odiakkoh · 06-17-2011, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

You can't scare me, I have children.

lmao so funny because its true.

orlok · 06-18-2011, 08:41 AM

Fbone · 06-19-2011, 03:00 AM

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

orlok · 06-19-2011, 07:52 AM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

Poppaea · 06-19-2011, 01:39 PM

orlok!!!

Fbone · 06-19-2011, 04:06 PM

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Fbone · 06-21-2011, 04:55 AM

You're just jealous because my cereal only talks to me.

orlok · 06-21-2011, 01:54 PM

Blonde joke alert!

Spoiler:

Stitchawl · 06-21-2011, 09:43 PM

Old John is sitting on his porch reading the newspaper when his friend Bill comes walking by.

"Hi John! Haven't seen you all week. What have you been up to?"

"Hello Bill!! My wife and I have been attending a seminar on 'How to Improve your Memory!' It's fantastic! I can't believe how much it's helped me already! The instructor is a very good teacher, and has taught us to associate things we want to remember with images in our minds. It really works well, and I recommend this young fellow's class highly!"

"Well, that's quite a high recommendation, John! What's this teacher's name?"

John pauses for a moment; "Let's see. What's the name of that flower that has the pretty red petals, green stem with lots of sharp thorns, and smells so good?"

Bill says; "Do you mean a rose?"

John says: "Right!" looks over his shoulder into the house and shouts:
"Hey Rose!! What's the name of our memory class teacher?"

Stitchawl

Fbone · 06-21-2011, 09:59 PM

You're old when "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

phenomshel · 06-22-2011, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

You're old when "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

I repeated this to my husband. His response? "That doesn't mean you're old, that means you're DEAD!!"

amward · 06-22-2011, 01:57 AM

@ Shel

Lycoming · 06-22-2011, 06:17 AM

Reminds me of Jeff Dunham's Walter.

"My wife doesn't like the sounds I make when we make love."

"What sounds?"

"Get off..... I can't see the weather channel....."

orlok · 06-22-2011, 06:37 AM

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have intercourse with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

06-21-2011, 01:54 PM	#3204
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Blonde joke alert! Spoiler: "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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06-17-2011, 09:41 PM	#3196
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You can't scare me, I have children.

06-18-2011, 08:41 AM	#3198
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

06-19-2011, 03:00 AM	#3199
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

06-19-2011, 07:52 AM	#3200
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister! Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door... I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

06-19-2011, 01:39 PM	#3201
Poppaea Lucifer's Bat Posts: 2,577 Karma: 20638583 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Earth/Berlin Device: Kobo Libra Colour	orlok!!!

06-19-2011, 04:06 PM	#3202
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

06-21-2011, 04:55 AM	#3203
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're just jealous because my cereal only talks to me.

06-21-2011, 09:43 PM	#3205
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Old John is sitting on his porch reading the newspaper when his friend Bill comes walking by. "Hi John! Haven't seen you all week. What have you been up to?" "Hello Bill!! My wife and I have been attending a seminar on 'How to Improve your Memory!' It's fantastic! I can't believe how much it's helped me already! The instructor is a very good teacher, and has taught us to associate things we want to remember with images in our minds. It really works well, and I recommend this young fellow's class highly!" "Well, that's quite a high recommendation, John! What's this teacher's name?" John pauses for a moment; "Let's see. What's the name of that flower that has the pretty red petals, green stem with lots of sharp thorns, and smells so good?" Bill says; "Do you mean a rose?" John says: "Right!" looks over his shoulder into the house and shouts: "Hey Rose!! What's the name of our memory class teacher?" Stitchawl

06-21-2011, 09:59 PM	#3206
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're old when "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

06-22-2011, 01:57 AM	#3208
amward Wizard Posts: 1,299 Karma: 2081110 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: SW Australia Device: Eco Eclipse, Sony PRS 350 (pink), Ipod Touch, Kindle Touch	@ Shel

06-22-2011, 06:17 AM	#3209
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Reminds me of Jeff Dunham's Walter. "My wife doesn't like the sounds I make when we make love." "What sounds?" "Get off..... I can't see the weather channel....."

06-22-2011, 06:37 AM	#3210
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have intercourse with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"