Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[maianhvk]

Write an essay about Love. Requirements:
1. Using clear words and concise sentences.
2. The essay must be tragedy.
3. There is no limit to the number of words used.

Essay:

Spoiler:

"Will you marry me?"
"F*ck off"

[Mel Comley]

Two Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

[pdurrant]

Originally Posted by maianhvk

Write an essay about Love. Requirements:
1. Using clear words and concise sentences.
2. The essay must be tragedy.
3. There is no limit to the number of words used.

Essay:

Spoiler:

"Will you marry me?"
"F*ck off"

Oh. I was expecting the much more cynical:

Spoiler:

"Will you marry me?"
"Yes."

[pdurrant]

Originally Posted by Mel Comley

Cannibals

Seated one day at the tom-tom, I heard a welcome shout from the kitchen: “Come and get it!”
Roast leg of insurance salesman.
A chorus of "yum"s ran round the table. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum....
Except for Junior, who pushed away his shell, got up from his log, and said,

I don't want any part of it.

What? Why not?

I don't eat people

Eh?

I won't eat people

Huh?

I don't eat people

I must be going deaf

Eating people is wrong

It's wrong?

Don't eat people

Have you gone clean out of your mind?

I won't eat people

What's the matter with the lad?

Don't eat people

He keeps on repeating

Eating people is bad

But people have always eaten people, what else is there to eat? If the juju had meant us not to eat people, he wouldn't have made us of meat.

Don't eat people

Oh no, not again

I won't eat people

All the day long

Don't eat people

He keeps on repeating

Eating people is wrong

Well, I've never heard of a more ridiculous idea in all my born days. To think that a son of mine should grow up to be a sissy... Me, chief assistant to the assistant chief. I suppose you realise, son, if this was to get around we might never get self-government.

I won't eat people!

Have you been talking to one of your mothers again? You're not getting to be one of these cranks that thinks that eating people is cruel, are you? You see a man sitting in a pot and think he's suffering? Oh, it's not like that at all. Why, he's just had an invigorating chase through the forest. He's sitting there in the nice warm water, with all the carrots and dumplings and things, he's thinking “Oh, the pleasure and happiness I'm going to give to a whole heap of people”. That man in the pot there, he enjoys it.

Eating people is wrong!

Look, son, son, I admire your sincerity, always be sincere, whether you mean it or not. You're young, when you're young, you think you can change the whole world overnight, even eating people. I know, I've been young myself. Take it from your old dad, you've just got to learn to take the world as it is.

I won't let another man pass my lips!

I know why you say “Don't eat people”, because you are a coward, Francis, that's your trouble, yes, a yellow-livered coward. You wouldn't mind eating people if you weren't afraid of ending up in the pot yourself. How despicable. Go on like this and you're liable to get me into hot water.

I won't eat people!

That's enough!

I don't eat people!

I don't want to...

Eating people is wrong!

Communist!

Going around saying “don't eat people”, that's the way to make people hate you! We always have eaten people, always will eat people — You Can't Change Human Nature.

I won't eat people!
I don't eat people!
I won't eat people!
I don't eat people!
I won't eat people!

It must be someone he ate

Eating people is out!

I give up. I give up. You used to be a regular anthropophagi. If this crazy idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, I just don't know where we would all be. It would just about ruin our entire internal economy. Fortunately, I suppose its catching on isn't very likely. Why, you might just as well go around saying “don't fight people”, for example...

Don't fight people? Ha ha!

(Both convulsed with laughter)

Oh, that's my boy.

(In chorus:) Ridiculous!

— The Reluctant Cannibal, Flanders & Swann

[Fbone]

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

[junkml]

Originally Posted by Fbone

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Rapid Deceleration Trauma - when one half of your body slows down faster than the other half.

[Cyberman tM]

This is a variation of the betting joke that has been posted earlier. First half is essentially the same, but half a joke isn't funny, right?

--

One day an elderly lady walks into the largest bank in town and asks to see the manager because she wants to open an account and put half a million in it.

Naturally, the manager is curious as to how a sweet little old lady has managed to gather such a sum of money in short enough a time to deposit it all at once.

"I started to make bets for large sums of money" is her answer,
"For example, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my left eye."

Intrigued, the manager accepts and watches in astonishment as she removes her glass eye and bites on it.

After paying he remarks "That's a clever trick, but that still doesn't explain how you got THIS much money."

"Indeed, there is more" she replies. "Want a chance to win your money back? For another thousand, I bet I can bite my right eye as well."

Noting she isn't blind, he reluctantly agrees.

This time, she takes out her false teeth and bites her good eye.

Amused, even if a bit sullen, he pays her another thousand, saying "OK, I think I got it. Very clever."

"Ah, that's nothing", replies the lady, "I've had bets with much more money involved. Here's a good one: I bet you fifty thousand dollars, that by tomorrow noon your testicles are squared."

Perplexed the manager thinks about it for a while, coming to the decision that this is quite impossible and thus a sure bet.
Reluctantly he agrees, and marks an appointment for her tomorrow noon.

Next day, at noon, the lady arrives together with another man, which she introduces as her lawyer, who is accompanying her because it's about a large sum of money.

The manager, having just privately checked to see that everything is still as it should be, cheerful announces that she's lost the bet.
Frowning, she asks to check herself, "It IS a large sum of money, after all."

Obligingly he drops his pants and motions her to check for herself.
She grabs his testicles and feels around them, weighing them in her hands, finally declaring "You are right, they aren't squared one bit, I've lost the bet."

A sudden thumping noise startles the manager - her lawyer began bumping his head against the wall, moaning quietly.

Seeing the managers perplexed look, she explains: "As I said, I often bet for large sums. And I rarely lose out - point in case, I actually bet my lawyer for two hundred thousand dollars, that today at noon I'd hold the balls of the director of the largest bank in town in my hands."

[nohmi2]

Originally Posted by junkml

Rapid Deceleration Trauma - when one half of your body slows down faster than the other half.

Sort of like this?

Attachment 71754

Cheers

[maianhvk]

Originally Posted by Fbone

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

hey, I read it somewhere that if we fall (from the adequate height), we'll die "on the way", not because of the crash

[Fbone]

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows what's going on?

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by maianhvk

hey, I read it somewhere that if we fall (from the adequate height), we'll die "on the way", not because of the crash

Can you say "sky diving?"
Captain Joseph Kittinger jumped from 102,800 feet (31,300 m) on August 16, 1960. This is still the current record for highest parachute jumps. Recreational sky diving is from less than 1/4 - 1/10 that height.


Stitchawl

[Bikeridr]

(Please notify me by PM if you find the below offending and I'll remove it).

How are the youths of today and Jesus Christ alike?

Spoiler:

They live at home until the age of 30. And if they do something, it's a Miracle

[orlok]

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank, just to check the quality. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, again just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

[maianhvk]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Can you say "sky diving?"
Captain Joseph Kittinger jumped from 102,800 feet (31,300 m) on August 16, 1960. This is still the current record for highest parachute jumps. Recreational sky diving is from less than 1/4 - 1/10 that height.


Stitchawl

I meant it, seriously! I remember reading somewhere that people die while they're still falling, not after they (and the ground) crash!
(of course if they jump from appropriate heights, which I don't remember either. How can you die "halfway" if you jump from the height of 2m )

[Mel Comley]

A Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."