Would you keep reading? - Page 2

Williamlk · 09-03-2010, 09:57 PM

Ok, I just changed the opening, again.....Have at it, LOL

meromana · 09-03-2010, 10:05 PM

"Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him."

Yeah, this is an incomplete sentence, and that's a definite problem, but beyond that, there's some serious nit-picking going on here. Maybe that's what you were looking for with this post, but at some point, the author's voice is important, too, and some people will like it the way you have it.

I, for example, loved this opening line: "Had only she and Richard survived?"

To me, it clearly placed us in the woman's POV, and I knew immediately it was some sort of disaster situation, which made me want to find out more. Furthermore, it was spoken the way most of us would think it. "Richard and she" is very formal and not the way people think in a crisis situation.

My point is, don't take any single critique too seriously. If 20 people say, "This line sucks," it probably does, but don't edit your writing to the point that it is no longer your writing.

--Maria

Williamlk · 09-03-2010, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meromana

"Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him."

Yeah, this is an incomplete sentence, and that's a definite problem, but beyond that, there's some serious nit-picking going on here. Maybe that's what you were looking for with this post, but at some point, the author's voice is important, too, and some people will like it the way you have it.

I, for example, loved this opening line: "Had only she and Richard survived?"

To me, it clearly placed us in the woman's POV, and I knew immediately it was some sort of disaster situation, which made me want to find out more. Furthermore, it was spoken the way most of us would think it. "Richard and she" is very formal and not the way people think in a crisis situation.

My point is, don't take any single critique too seriously. If 20 people say, "This line sucks," it probably does, but don't edit your writing to the point that it is no longer your writing.

--Maria

Thank you, well said. I think I posted this in the first place because, intuitively, something inside me knew I wasn't happy with the opening. I have recieved some good advice and now I have to just go with what I feel is right for me.

ardeegee · 09-03-2010, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meromana

Yeah, this is an incomplete sentence, and that's a definite problem, but beyond that, there's some serious nit-picking going on here.

The problem is (and I mean this for writers in general, not singling William out) that, while it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect every writer to be a master of fluid, skillful, grammatically correct prose, it is entirely possible for readers to pass on reading any writing that is not top quality. (You need to know the rules before you can break the rules.) I know inside of one page if I'm going to read a book or toss it on the scrap heap. And that scrap heap includes some of the highest selling authors of today.

GeoffC · 09-04-2010, 03:36 AM

me neither, a couple of better choices could have been tornado or (wind) devil ....

emonti8384 · 09-04-2010, 02:07 PM

I like it tho; good job! I felt a little intrigued by it, it would be something I would read. Hey, you know how many times stuff gets re-written on it's path from you to the reader? You can do it!

BookCat · 09-04-2010, 10:08 PM

I felt it was too purple: full of adjectives and adverbs. I also dislike too many "ing" endings. Could be my problem, but I was a little confused about what was going on. My mind boggled when faced with clauses like "against the chaos surrounding her".

Maybe read a few books about writing. One I always recommend is "The Way to Write" by Fairfax and Moat. This is no longer published but you often find it on Amazon.

The plot may be great, just polish up the writing.

neilmarr · 09-05-2010, 01:53 PM

Go to queryshark.com. N

BookCat · 09-06-2010, 06:33 PM

Totally baffled by your comment Neil. Do you mean the software or the blog? I found the software and it didn't have anything to do with writing. The blog does, but isn't the correct address. Please clarify, I'm intrigued. Sorry for being so dumb.

ellimak · 09-06-2010, 07:45 PM

To be honest, I was immediately turned off when I saw that you began with a quote. I'm of the opinion that you should always start with your own words, not someone else's. However, if you're really committed to that quote and you feel it creates the right mood, you should absolutely leave it. I agree with meromana -- make sure you maintain your own voice. Otherwise, what's the point?

View Poll Results: Based on the opening, would you keep reading?
Yes	4	14.29%
Maybe	4	14.29%
No	20	71.43%
Voters: 28. You may not vote on this poll

09-04-2010, 02:07 PM	#21
emonti8384 browneyedgurl Posts: 523 Karma: 356470 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Warren, OH Device: PRS-505/950x2, PRS-600 silver, Galaxy III purple, T2 black	I like it tho; good job! I felt a little intrigued by it, it would be something I would read. Hey, you know how many times stuff gets re-written on it's path from you to the reader? You can do it! Last edited by emonti8384; 09-04-2010 at 02:11 PM.

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09-03-2010, 09:57 PM	#16
Williamlk Guru Posts: 624 Karma: 700001 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: New York Device: kindle	Ok, I just changed the opening, again.....Have at it, LOL

09-03-2010, 10:05 PM	#17
meromana Zealot Posts: 129 Karma: 11430 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: NC, USA Device: my laptop	"Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him." Yeah, this is an incomplete sentence, and that's a definite problem, but beyond that, there's some serious nit-picking going on here. Maybe that's what you were looking for with this post, but at some point, the author's voice is important, too, and some people will like it the way you have it. I, for example, loved this opening line: "Had only she and Richard survived?" To me, it clearly placed us in the woman's POV, and I knew immediately it was some sort of disaster situation, which made me want to find out more. Furthermore, it was spoken the way most of us would think it. "Richard and she" is very formal and not the way people think in a crisis situation. My point is, don't take any single critique too seriously. If 20 people say, "This line sucks," it probably does, but don't edit your writing to the point that it is no longer your writing. --Maria

09-04-2010, 03:36 AM	#20
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	me neither, a couple of better choices could have been tornado or (wind) devil ....

09-04-2010, 10:08 PM	#22
BookCat C L J Posts: 2,911 Karma: 21115458 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Birmingham UK Device: Sony e-reader 505, Kindle PW2, Kindle PW3, Kobo Libra2	I felt it was too purple: full of adjectives and adverbs. I also dislike too many "ing" endings. Could be my problem, but I was a little confused about what was going on. My mind boggled when faced with clauses like "against the chaos surrounding her". Maybe read a few books about writing. One I always recommend is "The Way to Write" by Fairfax and Moat. This is no longer published but you often find it on Amazon. The plot may be great, just polish up the writing.

09-05-2010, 01:53 PM	#23
neilmarr neilmarr Posts: 7,215 Karma: 6000059 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Monaco-Menton, France Device: sony	Go to queryshark.com. N

09-06-2010, 06:33 PM	#24
BookCat C L J Posts: 2,911 Karma: 21115458 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Birmingham UK Device: Sony e-reader 505, Kindle PW2, Kindle PW3, Kobo Libra2	Totally baffled by your comment Neil. Do you mean the software or the blog? I found the software and it didn't have anything to do with writing. The blog does, but isn't the correct address. Please clarify, I'm intrigued. Sorry for being so dumb.

09-06-2010, 07:45 PM	#25
ellimak I spit hot fire Posts: 91 Karma: 13464 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: USA Device: Nook, or as I call him, Sir Nookington	To be honest, I was immediately turned off when I saw that you began with a quote. I'm of the opinion that you should always start with your own words, not someone else's. However, if you're really committed to that quote and you feel it creates the right mood, you should absolutely leave it. I agree with meromana -- make sure you maintain your own voice. Otherwise, what's the point?