Unutterably Silly Steve Jordan interviews the cast of The Lens

[pshrynk]

I just love the practicality of your space ships!

[dreams]

More, more, more... don't stop...

If your books are like the interview, then I''m seriously going to have to get your books.

[pshrynk]

Originally Posted by dreams

More, more, more... don't stop...

If your books are like the interview, then I''m seriously going to have to get your books.

Oh, definitely get the books!

[Gaurnim]

Damn it !
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed !

Hum, no, that's not what I was planning to say.
Too much Rocky Horror Picture Show can play havoc with your brain.

Let's do it again :
Damn it !
This interview piece sure is interesting, it makes me regret not having already read Berserker.
I'll make sure I get it during Read an Ebook Week, if it haven't already got it when I bought a bundle some months ago.


Let's see about some questions :
- do they have any cool gadgets they can talk to us about, as they don't have turbolifts ? Like an Improbability Generator or peta-Watt laser beams for laundry service ?
- any FTL capability ? (Disregard this question if it's already explained in details in your universe, as I don't know it - yet)

[GeoffC]

What's the food like on board? How many chefs have they to cater for all the different tastes - and don't tell me they just 'manufacture' food out of thin air.
Any jacussis, swimming baths, cinemas - libraries ...?

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Boy, what a long corridor... seems like we've been walking up here all night...

Okay, now Captain Kestral is taking me to a large, trapezoidal door, it's opening, and... oh, man. It's a field of wheat!

"Actually, it's quatro-triticale, but it's often confused with wheat."

"Steve, meet Angel, our expert in all things edible."

Pleasure to meet you, Angel! Wow, this is really impressive, dude! How can you grow plants like this... hey! We're standing on dirt!

"That's right, Steve. Some plants just grow best in dirt and under gravity, like the Q-T, here. But I also have hydroponic spaces, aeroponic spaces and potted gardens. All to provide real food for the crew!"

Okay, obviously there's nothing wrong with real food, but is it really that significantly better than storing and cooking the prepared foodstuffs that you can get almost anywhere you travel to? I mean, is it really healthier? Is it cheaper? It's certainly not easier!

"No, it's not easier... this is work! But yes, it's worth it. You'd be surprised at the lack of chemical balance you get from processed foods, which are mostly prepared with exactly one thing in mind: To make you want to buy more of it. This is the way people were intended to eat, how they're designed to eat. And it gives me a great deal of satisfaction, knowing that I've contributed to the health and welfare of my shipmates. That's what makes it worthwhile to come up here... to take my tools in my hand, the same tools that Man has used for thousands of years... to work the land, to feel the grit between my fingers... to hold an ear of corn in my hand... to find exactly the right color on a freshly-picked peach! That is what farming is about! It's a covenant with nature! It's a sacred duty!--"

Say, does anyone else hear a fife and drum playing "Yankee Doodle" in the background, or is it just me?

"Hm? Oh... that must be the music player, sometimes it adjusts the volume according to the air density, to make sure all the plants can hear the music."

You're kidding me.

"No, no! Plants do respond to music! They also respond to being handled by people and other animals, as opposed to machines."

But you don't have any animals up here helping you, right?

"No. Were you planning to bring some?"

Uh-uh. So, you also cook. I hear you're good enough to be working in four-star restaurants!

"Don't give him any ideas!"

"It's okay, Carolyn... I like it here! I wouldn't want to be anywhere else!"

And what about your routine? Does farming and cooking ever get a bit boring? Do you ever get involved in other things on the ship?

"Oh, yeah! In fact, on this last mission, I got into a brawl, got out to enjoy some entertainment in town on Shura Dva, and had to assist Tirri in keeping our guests happy... we had a lot of people coming and going on this ship recently!"

"But we won't go into that, right, Angel?"

"Right... spoilers! But anyway, it was fun! And strange. But mostly, sort of... strangely fun!"

That's great! Well, we'll leave you to your farming, and maybe I'll get a chance to sample some of your crops. Say, you grow cocoa beans around here, buddy?

"Heh... when I can! Anytime I make chocolate, I have to hide 'em from this bunch, or it's gone in a nanosecond!"

Okay... thanks again! ...Wow, Carolyn, that was really something back there! How could anyone resist working a ship that carries its own farm?

"If you'd been with us on our last mission, you might rethink that question. There was something weird about Shura Dva, and somehow it affected our foods... everything, right down to the coffee. And I tell you, it's hard to put me off coffee! But usually, it's great. Better than anything I ever ate on a Ranger ship!"

Where are we going now?

"Engineering. Let's see if we can find Sarander there."

Sounds great...

[GeoffC]

Hey ! That Angel, does he sometimes moonlight as a vampire ?

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

By the way, do you know what Angel does with his nights?

"Sleeps, mostly. Why?"

No reason... so, Carolyn, this ship can travel faster than light! I gotta tell ya, I have a really hard time believing that actually works.

"Yes, it's a strange world. The whole process seems counter-intuitive... even counter-reality! But it seems to work for us."

What's the basic principle behind it?

"It's based on a construct called a 'tesser field'. It's essentially two time bubbles, one inside the other... a sort of time-thermos bottle. Inside the outer bubble, everything moves faster in time... so a ship traveling through space can exceed the speed of light inside the bubble. Of course, that would mean everything inside the bubble would age faster than outside the bubble, and we'd all arrive on a new planet as old men and women. So, the inner time-bubble slows the time in the ship itself down, to counteract the faster time inside the bubble, and equalize us with the rest of the world. Understand?"

If I tell you I do, will you refrain from going into more detail?

"Certainly."

Then I understand, one hundred percent!

"Thank you."

No... thank you. Ah, this must be engineering. Um...

"Not what you expected?"

Well, not really, I guess. I thought I'd see giant machinery, huge glowing tubes humming with energy, rotating crystals suspended in mid-air, and steam blowing out of regulators... but this looks like a combination workshop and concert control station.

"You were expecting an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator?"

"Steve, this is Sarander Fi, our ship's boss."

"Pleased to meet you, finally! Mark told me you two were coming up... by the way, how'd you say you got here?"

I was given a MQRBDTMOT by a strange visitor. See?

"Looks like a key fob."

Yes, well, the MQRBDTMOT sort of sits between branes, and I call it with the fob when I'm ready to go back.

"I... see."

No, really!

"And he thought my explanation of FTL was hard to believe."

Anyway... Sarander, you run all of the ship's engines from up here. Is it a lot to handle by yourself?

"Not usually. The nice thing about a Quicksilver-class freighter is, the control systems are really pretty comprehensive. It's like being on a cruise ship! If you know how, you can do almost anything from the control panels, without having to pop the hood on anything at all! And when you do, it's easy enough to secure things until you can do repairs."

What about repairs that have to be done on-the-run?

"Well, yeah, that's a lot trickier. Quicksilvers weren't designed for that kind of thing. Not like, say, a Ranger battle cruiser, which is designed for people to be able to reach in and do repairs while the damn thing's still running! Active maintenance and repair can be done, but it's pretty delicate stuff. I try to avoid it when I can!"

Is this all to control the time-thermos-thingy?

"The tesser fields?"

Thanks... much more realistic when you say it...

"No. The tesser field generators are controlled on this console."

The one that looks like God's synthesizer?

"Yup. These let me shape the time-fields to allow more efficient transition through space. A sort of teardrop shape is best, but it takes continuous effort to maintain the shape, depending on the characteristics of local spacetime."

I... see.

"No, really."

Okay... then what?

"Well, time-fields are great, but they don't actually propel us anywhere. For that, we have twin fractalmonic fusion reactors, which directly supply power to the ship’s batteries, the fuel-based drive engines, and finally the tesser-field generators."

What's 'fractalmonic'?

"Sounds waves modulated in frequencies shaped by fractal geometry equations, of course! What, you attended high school, didn't you?"

I may have been sick that day...

"Yeh. Anyway, the drives use fractalmonic fields to shape ionic plasma into a very tight stream. That propels the ship... it's got a lot of punch for its size."

How much punch?

"Enough to get us off a planet."

Impressive! But I hear your trip to Shura Dva put you in a spot.

"I'll say! We almost didn't make it through that one! I don't know what it is about that planet, but I hope I never have to take this ship back there again!"

Well, obviously, we're all glad you made it back in one piece.

"Only for the grace of the Gods, and the quality of the Mary. She spoils me... I'll never be able to work on another ship after this! Right, Carolyn?"

"And let's hope you don't have to! Well, Steve, you've met the crew, and you've seen most of the ship. Let's head back downstairs, and see what else we can talk about."

Sure. Sarander, thanks for the tour!

"No problem. I'm about ready for a break, anyway, so I'll follow you guys back downstairs."

Don't you need to leave someone behind to watch things, or secure all stations, or double-check the injectors, or something, when you leave here?

"Heck, no! Half of this is on automatic, and the ship knows how to reach me if something needs to be manually adjusted. See? This is my com. We all have one."

Looks a bit like my cellphone...

"Sure... it looks like your ancient phone! But in fact, this not only lets you make calls about the ship: It can access the ship's library or order it to coordinate queries with Oan databases; provide the ship with your location, on or off the ship; monitor your health, and alert the ship if someone is injured; access all of your personal library data and replay it on demand; you can use it to read, play games, record diary entries, check your schedule, update your bank accounts, take video, and exchange data with other people's coms."

My phone does all that, and it lets me customize the screen, too.

"Really? Cool..."

[Gaurnim]

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

Where are we going now?

"Engineering. Let's see if we can find Sarander there."

Sounds great...

Yum yum, engineering ...

EDIT : aw ... too slow for Steve's fractalmonic posting speed

Is their phone a Pomegranate ?

[GeoffC]

"You were expecting an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator?"

This question seemed nicely 'ducked'?

[GeoffC]

Originally Posted by Gaurnim

Yum yum, engineering ...

EDIT : aw ... too slow for Steve's fractalmonic posting speed

Is their phone a Pomegranate ?

Oh so last millenium ....

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Captain, I can't say enough about this ship, and about all of you. It's really something being here, and you and your crew are incredible!

"Thank you! I feel very lucky to have assembled such a great crew."

And I hear you've recently met someone special, haven't you? Another freighter captain, I understand?

"Yes... we ran into each other a few times, doing parallel runs in the Mook system, and somewhere along the way, we managed to hook up. His name is Coray Gheris."

Captain of the Jovian Skies. What's that ship like, compared to yours?

"Oh, the Jovian is nothing like this... it's tiny! The kind of freighter you use to haul small goods and do a lot of short runs. But small ships have capabilities that big ships like mine, and the big superfreighters, can't match."

I hear he turned out to be a large part of your mission to Shura Dva in The Lens.

"He's what got us there in the first place, in fact. Not that that was his fault, of course. But if not for him, we never would have gotten involved in the problems on Shura Dva. Still, it turned out all right in the end."

And where is Coray now?

"Out on a run. He said he's running 'cow seeds' to Taurus Nine. I'm still trying to figure out what the heck those are."

I got nothin,' sorry. Anyway, I wish you luck with that. I know long-distance relationships can be tough.

"You don't know that half-parsec of it..."

We're back to the common area... oh, hi, Tirri! Taking a break too?

"Waiting for my welds to cool... hi, sweetie!"

"Hey, baby! How's the bay looking?"

"Pretty good. I'll be finished pretty soon, and we'll be ready to head back out."

Do you have another mission planned already?

"No, but we always want to be ready for when somewig comes up..."

Somewig? Carolyn?

"Oh, God, did I say-- Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm sorry, I was looking at... Ann, your wig's on crooked!"

Uh?

"It is? Oh, no! Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, look, it's all touseled on this side--"

Agh! Tirri... your hair! Um, feathers! It's... a wig?

"Well, duh! Of course it is, silly? What, did you think I grew this?"

But... you're bald!

"Oh, yeah. It's too hard to keep my hair when I'm wearing this thing. I usually just put on a regular wig when I go out... then, when filming is over, I'll let my hair grow back in..."

What are you talking about! You're an Avian!

"Uh, no... I'm an actor... from Manchester."

H-wuh?

"Hey, Roland, I'm sorry, but the wig's all messed up, and this eyebrow makeup is killing me... can we redo the scene over my shoulder, so I can get a break from this stuff?"

"Yeh, sure, luv. Everyone, let's go back to page fifteen, an' we can--"

Aaagh! Who are you guys? Where did you come from?

"Oh, lor' luv a duck, here we go again..."

"Steve, calm down! What's wrong?"

Wrong? Wrong! This is supposed to be the Right Brane! I'm in another universe, where my ideas actually exist, so I can interview the embodiment of my characters--

"Blimey, it nevah fails. You give a writer a minnit in front of a camera, and 'e thinks 'e's Olivier..."

"What's going on? Roland, are we resetting?"

"It's okay, Frank, we're just having a go at--"

Mark! Where's your... you're white!

"And... you're not. What? This makeup never stays on for long, I have to re-apply it five or six times a day."

What's going on?!?

"Steve, calm down!"

"Okay, 'at's it! Someone say lunch!"

"Lunch!"

"That's lunch, people! One hour, not a minnit more! Lor' give me strength from writers..."

"Steve, look, as long as we have you here, there's something we need to discuss..."

What's going on? Who are you? Carolyn?

"Oh, stop! Okay? It's Rainy Summers, the girl you hired to replace Dustie Bottoms after she refused to do a Kestral sequel! Now, can we talk?"

Aaahhhhh...

"Look, this has all been fun, y'know? We've done The Lens, we've posed for the posters, we're doing the DVD extras, and I've been measured for those stupid Burger King toys. But we still haven't seen dime one beyond the basic contract agreement for all the residual work, y'know?"

Aaaahhhhhhh...

"Steve--focus! Now, look, this has been a great gig, y'know? But you still owe us, and if we don't get paid, we're pulling the plug on this whole thing! So you need to get Diane on the phone--"

Diane?

"Diane! Your agent, Steve? --and tell her to get on the stick!"

B-but--

"Dude, I passed up a season on CSI St Petersburg to do this bit. You're gonna do right by us, right? 'Cause if you don't, we're gonna have words..."

L-look, Sarander, I don't--

"It's Sonny, all right?!? Sonny! What is this, you're trying to go section eight on us and duck out of your contract?"

Uh--No, no! I--uh--

"Look, just get it done, okay? We got bills to pay!"

Y-yeah... right... sure, sure, guys. Um... I'll call... uh--

"Diane."

--Diane! and get it fixed! Yeah. Today! Yeah. I'll just--

"Where are you going?"

I'm just gonna go and make a call! Yeah! I'm gonna call... back there! Where it's quiet! Besides, the reception sucks in here. So, I'll be right back, okay? I'll be right back...

"What the hell's wrong with him?"

"Writers. They're all flaky as hell. Did they bring in kielbasa today?..."

[GeoffC]

Oh - I was so NOT expecting that twist ....

[pshrynk]

I hate it when the voices in my head go all "Fourth Wall" on me!

[GeoffC]

Are those voices the ones that are 'talking' to me, too ?