Silliness Steve Jordan test-drives the VentureOne - Page 2

LazyScot · 10-17-2008, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DixieGal

I don't have that. Would it help to stick a butter knife into the back of my satellite box and jiggle it around? I used to could get "premium" cable channels like that, back when the box had 25 channels and a slider to select channels.

Hmmm. <consults Marc's installation notes.> Nope. You need a grapefruit spoon, a really hot cup of extra fresh Lapsang Souchong and a couple of temporal diodes. I'd suggest making sure you pick a box up at the last party you attended.

<ding. ding. ding....>

Ah. second batch of nachos is done. Just a moment....

radioflyertoo · 10-17-2008, 02:52 PM

I don't think the butter knife will work, you'll probably let out too many electrons, which can be a shocking experience. But if your cable company is a bit behind the times a cable capable TV can sometimes show you those premium channels.

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-17-2008, 03:01 PM

Penny: Call home. Oh, and give me a range for a targeting solution. One ping only.

“Hello?”

Hi, hon, it’s me.

“Hi! How’s the little driver’s test coming?”

Well, I’ve run into a little snag. I think I may be home late for dinner.

“How late?”

About 12 to 20 with good behavior.

“Steve! What’s going on?”

Well, apparently there was some little, niggling, I dunno… problem with the contract, and—

“I knew it! Didn’t I tell you that aussie was fakey?”

Yes, you did, hon…

“Didn’t I tell you any contract written on magician’s flash paper was probably worthless?”

Yeah, you did, hon…

“Didn’t I tell you to eat before you went out?”

Yeah, you did, hon. Um, hold on. Penny: Deploy countermeasures, those heat-seeking missiles are getting too close for comfort.

“So. How does it drive?”

Oh, it’s great!

“Will it still feel great after 12 to 20 with good behavior?”

Man, I sure hope so. Penny, rotate shield frequencies and execute maneuver Picard-seven-nine. Thank you.

“Well, do me a favor.”

Anything, hon.

“Stay un-arrested long enough for me to get to the bank and withdraw our money from the joint accounts.”

Doing my best…

“And call me when you’re on your way home for dinner. Love ya.”

Luv ya back. ‘Bye.

“She seems nice.”

She is nice, Penny.

“Will she still let you into the house after this?”

She’d better, all my comics are there.

“Think she’ll ever have sex with you again?”

Hope springs eternal…

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-17-2008, 04:47 PM

Man, I am so out of ideas, here. I've driven this thing through neighborhoods, down hiking trails, in tunnels, through large and small drainpipes, gone the wrong way on one-way streets, and through the lower floor of Lakeforest Mall. I’ve used up my tire-puncturing jacks and smart-missile countermeasures, deployed the inflatable decoys to no effect (maybe if the inflatable decoys looked more like me and the V-One, and less like Paris Hilton), and even tried reversing the polarity on the static warp field. Twice. I just cannot shake these cops.

So now, I'm cruising down the highway, with an escort of future-cops following me, a future-helicopter pacing me (and filming me... I can see myself on the satellite feed of CNN), Penny’s playing the Speed Racer soundtrack on the radio, and I’ve got a strange feeling of deja-vu. I wonder if O.J.'s lawyer is tuned into this?

And worst of all, I have just about reached the end of my estimated range, good as it has been, and am officially out of options.

"Not quite."

Penny? Is there something you'd like to share?

"You haven't tried the third pedal on the floor yet."

Oh, right... but what can it do?

"Try it and see."

Well... what have I got to lose? Here goes nottthhhhhiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggg—

OMGWTFigosbarhf$@*!&$%!#naubc#!!#werui!Cngmc##$##^ *&!!!fseyrhc!Wmjnwio!!!!!

—bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaakkkkee!

Hello! I seem to have lost my pursuers. I also seem to have lost any idea of where I am. Penny, please give me a GPS location?

"You are currently in Oahu."

Whatchoo talkin' bout, Penny?

"Your use of the Heisenberg uber-quark temporal accelerator pedal has driven us around the globe seventeen-point-six times in point-zero-zero-six-nine-three seconds—"

Temporal accelerator!?! Crikey on a cracker! Why didn't anyone tell me about that?

"I was saving it for a surprise. Surprise! Fortunately, you were heading in a west-south-westerly direction when you applied the accelerator. I few degrees further south, and we'd be parked in front of McMurdo station."

Well, thank heaven for small favors, then! What now?

"The temporal police are capable of tracking this vehicle, although it will take them approximately seventy more minutes to get a lock on it. In that time, if we move to a more closed location, we may evade detection for an additional six days."

Sounds like a plan to me! There are a lot of hotels around here... perhaps if we pulled into one of their underground parking lots...

"That will not provide sufficient coverage to avoid detection."

Well, what will?

"Placing the vehicle inside a hotel room, preferably in a centrally-located floor, will provide adequate coverage."

In a room?...

"I have ascertained that the Aloha Arms, approximately six-point-two miles from our present location, has wide-enough stairwells to allow me to negotiate them. I have taken the liberty of accessing Priceline.com and reserving a room for two. I got us a great deal at $89 a night."

...Us?...

"Well, you want to avoid the police. I want to avoid going back to 2018: The country just changed to a corporatocracy, and all the lights are all short-timed so the rich guys' limousines can drive without being stopped at intersections."

Yeah, that sucks.

“I’ve also taken the liberty of ordering you a pitcher of margaritas, and a bottle of fresh lithium electrolyte for me.”

Mmm… you sound so sexy when you say ‘lithium electrolyte’… well, for an electric vehicle, anyway. (My analyst will have a field day with me.) Okay, the Aloha Arms it is. Two things.

"Yes?"

Let me call the wife… this will be hard enough to explain.

“And the other thing?”

Do we have time for a little shopping before we go up? I always wanted one of those mai-tai mugs with the faces carved into them…

“Only if you promise to buy me a lei to hang on my satellite antenna.”

Done and done.

And there you have it, my friends, my first, and probably my last, test-drive of the VentureOne. My overall opinion is that this is a great ride! However, in all fairness, I would certainly recommend that you wait until they are available on the market, as opposed to making any temporal pre-orders, because apparently you just can't trust those salesmen of 2018. (As if any of the others were more trustworthy...)

This bout of unutterable silliness has been brought to you by SteveJordanBooks.com... now with mountain-fresh ePub in every e-book!

DixieGal · 10-19-2008, 07:35 PM

Nice test drive review, but I have a few questions:

I carry a lot of stuff around with me. Are there saddlebags or maybe a trailer that can carry a case of water, couple 12 pks of diet soda, an extra jacket, and my purse?
What are my color choices? I'd like something painted in red with flames on the side to make it go faster.
Is there a handy makeup mirror and vanity light?

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-19-2008, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DixieGal

Nice test drive review, but I have a few questions:

I carry a lot of stuff around with me. Are there saddlebags or maybe a trailer that can carry a case of water, couple 12 pks of diet soda, an extra jacket, and my purse?
What are my color choices? I'd like something painted in red with flames on the side to make it go faster.
Is there a handy makeup mirror and vanity light?

In order:

I'd suggest the "tethered blimp" option for carrying extras. It deploys quickly, and in the event of a water crash, can be used as a floatation device.
The VentureOne paint department can match any swatch from the Walt Disney Paints collection. Their specialties are "Snow White," "Rose Red" and "Mouse-Black." They also do a pretty good "Greenback."
Hey... it's an electric vehicle. You can't have everything! Bring your own vanity. (Heh... I mean, mirror.)

Slite · 10-20-2008, 12:40 AM

That! Was awesome!

You really should consider writing books as a career

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-20-2008, 09:33 AM

People keep telling me that...

DixieGal · 10-20-2008, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

In order:

I'd suggest the "tethered blimp" option for carrying extras. It deploys quickly, and in the event of a water crash, can be used as a floatation device.
The VentureOne paint department can match any swatch from the Walt Disney Paints collection. Their specialties are "Snow White," "Rose Red" and "Mouse-Black." They also do a pretty good "Greenback."
Hey... it's an electric vehicle. You can't have everything! Bring your own vanity. (Heh... I mean, mirror.)

Venture One is already ahead/behind the times. Last June when we bought our new car, Toyota was doing a Crayola tie-in. Our new car is Crayola blue.

slayda · 10-20-2008, 12:31 PM

For those seriously interested (right now) check it out here, here and here.
I want one!

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-20-2008, 12:50 PM

Seriously, I'd love one of these too... it'd be great piloting--I mean, driving--the all-electric version to the MARC train lot, or doing light shopping around town. And I hope they manage their price range of $18-20,000, which I'd consider worth the cost for a fuel-efficient medium-hop vehicle.

It's a shame they're falling behind on their production, but I'm in no rush. My (clean and efficient) car is paid for and still runs great, so I don't expect to be looking for a replacement before 2012 anyway.

montsnmags · 10-20-2008, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

Seriously, I'd love one of these too... it'd be great piloting--I mean, driving--the all-electric version to the MARC train lot
...

They named a train after me?! Wow! I feel so...well-endowed, Freudianly-speaking.

Cheers,
Marc

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-21-2008, 08:45 AM

You wouldn't, if you knew how often it ran late and broke down...

pshrynk · 10-21-2008, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

You wouldn't, if you knew how often it ran late and broke down...

Sounds accurate enough...

Steven Lyle Jordan · 10-21-2008, 10:39 AM

He said it, not me.

10-17-2008, 04:47 PM	#19
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	Man, I am so out of ideas, here. I've driven this thing through neighborhoods, down hiking trails, in tunnels, through large and small drainpipes, gone the wrong way on one-way streets, and through the lower floor of Lakeforest Mall. I’ve used up my tire-puncturing jacks and smart-missile countermeasures, deployed the inflatable decoys to no effect (maybe if the inflatable decoys looked more like me and the V-One, and less like Paris Hilton), and even tried reversing the polarity on the static warp field. Twice. I just cannot shake these cops. So now, I'm cruising down the highway, with an escort of future-cops following me, a future-helicopter pacing me (and filming me... I can see myself on the satellite feed of CNN), Penny’s playing the Speed Racer soundtrack on the radio, and I’ve got a strange feeling of deja-vu. I wonder if O.J.'s lawyer is tuned into this? And worst of all, I have just about reached the end of my estimated range, good as it has been, and am officially out of options. "Not quite." Penny? Is there something you'd like to share? "You haven't tried the third pedal on the floor yet." Oh, right... but what can it do? "Try it and see." Well... what have I got to lose? Here goes nottthhhhhiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggg gggggggggggggg— OMGWTFigosbarhf$@!&$%!#naubc#!!#werui!Cngmc##$##^ &!!!fseyrhc!Wmjnwio!!!!! —bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaakkkkee! Hello! I seem to have lost my pursuers. I also seem to have lost any idea of where I am. Penny, please give me a GPS location? "You are currently in Oahu." Whatchoo talkin' bout, Penny? "Your use of the Heisenberg uber-quark temporal accelerator pedal has driven us around the globe seventeen-point-six times in point-zero-zero-six-nine-three seconds—" Temporal accelerator!?! Crikey on a cracker! Why didn't anyone tell me about that? "I was saving it for a surprise. Surprise! Fortunately, you were heading in a west-south-westerly direction when you applied the accelerator. I few degrees further south, and we'd be parked in front of McMurdo station." Well, thank heaven for small favors, then! What now? "The temporal police are capable of tracking this vehicle, although it will take them approximately seventy more minutes to get a lock on it. In that time, if we move to a more closed location, we may evade detection for an additional six days." Sounds like a plan to me! There are a lot of hotels around here... perhaps if we pulled into one of their underground parking lots... "That will not provide sufficient coverage to avoid detection." Well, what will? "Placing the vehicle inside a hotel room, preferably in a centrally-located floor, will provide adequate coverage." In a room?... "I have ascertained that the Aloha Arms, approximately six-point-two miles from our present location, has wide-enough stairwells to allow me to negotiate them. I have taken the liberty of accessing Priceline.com and reserving a room for two. I got us a great deal at $89 a night." ...Us?... "Well, you want to avoid the police. I want to avoid going back to 2018: The country just changed to a corporatocracy, and all the lights are all short-timed so the rich guys' limousines can drive without being stopped at intersections." Yeah, that sucks. “I’ve also taken the liberty of ordering you a pitcher of margaritas, and a bottle of fresh lithium electrolyte for me.” Mmm… you sound so sexy when you say ‘lithium electrolyte’… well, for an electric vehicle, anyway. (My analyst will have a field day with me.) Okay, the Aloha Arms it is. Two things. "Yes?" Let me call the wife… this will be hard enough to explain. “And the other thing?” Do we have time for a little shopping before we go up? I always wanted one of those mai-tai mugs with the faces carved into them… “Only if you promise to buy me a lei to hang on my satellite antenna.” Done and done. And there you have it, my friends, my first, and probably my last, test-drive of the VentureOne. My overall opinion is that this is a great ride! However, in all fairness, I would certainly recommend that you wait until they are available on the market, as opposed to making any temporal pre-orders, because apparently you just can't trust those salesmen of 2018. (As if any of the others were more trustworthy...) This bout of unutterable silliness has been brought to you by SteveJordanBooks.com... now with mountain-fresh ePub in every e-book! Last edited by Steven Lyle Jordan; 10-17-2008 at 04:50 PM.

10-19-2008, 07:35 PM	#20
DixieGal Hi There! Posts: 7,473 Karma: 2930523 Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Ft Lauderdale Device: iPad	Nice test drive review, but I have a few questions: I carry a lot of stuff around with me. Are there saddlebags or maybe a trailer that can carry a case of water, couple 12 pks of diet soda, an extra jacket, and my purse? What are my color choices? I'd like something painted in red with flames on the side to make it go faster. Is there a handy makeup mirror and vanity light?

10-20-2008, 12:31 PM	#25
slayda Retired & reading more! Posts: 2,764 Karma: 1884247 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: North Alabama, USA Device: Kindle 1, iPad Air 2, iPhone 6S+, Kobo Aura One	For those seriously interested (right now) check it out here, here and here. I want one! Last edited by slayda; 10-20-2008 at 12:36 PM.

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10-17-2008, 02:52 PM	#17
radioflyertoo Hog Rider Posts: 266 Karma: 1581 Join Date: May 2008 Location: eastern PA. Device: HTC 7501	I don't think the butter knife will work, you'll probably let out too many electrons, which can be a shocking experience. But if your cable company is a bit behind the times a cable capable TV can sometimes show you those premium channels.

10-17-2008, 03:01 PM	#18
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	Penny: Call home. Oh, and give me a range for a targeting solution. One ping only. “Hello?” Hi, hon, it’s me. “Hi! How’s the little driver’s test coming?” Well, I’ve run into a little snag. I think I may be home late for dinner. “How late?” About 12 to 20 with good behavior. “Steve! What’s going on?” Well, apparently there was some little, niggling, I dunno… problem with the contract, and— “I knew it! Didn’t I tell you that aussie was fakey?” Yes, you did, hon… “Didn’t I tell you any contract written on magician’s flash paper was probably worthless?” Yeah, you did, hon… “Didn’t I tell you to eat before you went out?” Yeah, you did, hon. Um, hold on. Penny: Deploy countermeasures, those heat-seeking missiles are getting too close for comfort. “So. How does it drive?” Oh, it’s great! “Will it still feel great after 12 to 20 with good behavior?” Man, I sure hope so. Penny, rotate shield frequencies and execute maneuver Picard-seven-nine. Thank you. “Well, do me a favor.” Anything, hon. “Stay un-arrested long enough for me to get to the bank and withdraw our money from the joint accounts.” Doing my best… “And call me when you’re on your way home for dinner. Love ya.” Luv ya back. ‘Bye. “She seems nice.” She is nice, Penny. “Will she still let you into the house after this?” She’d better, all my comics are there. “Think she’ll ever have sex with you again?” Hope springs eternal…

10-20-2008, 12:40 AM	#22
Slite Icanhasdonuts? Posts: 2,837 Karma: 532407 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mölnbo, Sweden Device: Kobo Aura 2nd edition, Kobo Clara HD	That! Was awesome! You really should consider writing books as a career

10-20-2008, 09:33 AM	#23
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	People keep telling me that...

10-20-2008, 12:50 PM	#26
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	Seriously, I'd love one of these too... it'd be great piloting--I mean, driving--the all-electric version to the MARC train lot, or doing light shopping around town. And I hope they manage their price range of $18-20,000, which I'd consider worth the cost for a fuel-efficient medium-hop vehicle. It's a shame they're falling behind on their production, but I'm in no rush. My (clean and efficient) car is paid for and still runs great, so I don't expect to be looking for a replacement before 2012 anyway.

10-21-2008, 08:45 AM	#28
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	You wouldn't, if you knew how often it ran late and broke down...

10-21-2008, 10:39 AM	#30
Steven Lyle Jordan Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,478 Karma: 5171130 Join Date: Jan 2006 Device: none	He said it, not me.

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