Unutterably Silly Dear Dr. Bad Advice

[radioflyertoo]

Dear Mr Bad Advice,

As a Hog Rider I recently read, based on recommendation in your column, The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn. As you may not know there is this Fog that keeps following me around and now hands keep trying to pull me into that interdilusional space. Was this caused by the book?

Sincerely

Hog Rider

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I recently tried to suggest that the members of an online books discussion forum should consider reading e-books. Now, whenever I go to that site, my login spontaneously logs back out, and I keep hearing crickets. What's going on?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by radioflyertoo

Dear Mr Bad Advice,

As a Hog Rider I recently read, based on recommendation in your column, The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn. As you may not know there is this Fog that keeps following me around and now hands keep trying to pull me into that interdilusional space. Was this caused by the book?

Sincerely

Hog Rider

Dear Hog Rider:

Not at all! You’re ebook is safe as long as you don’t leave it in a public bathroom.

Your problem is actually caused by what I call an “Inter-Dilusional Synapse Prolapse,” a condition popularly known as “Fallen Arches on The Half-Shell.” (If this seems abstruse, it’s meant to be.)

About those Aliens:
When one thinks about Lust, is it so unusual that Aliens, too, would feel lust in their hearts and in other places? (I ask this question rhetorically, so that I will receive no answer from you.)

Nevetheless:
As you ride around on your pig (you live in the country, I presume, where I understand strange mating rituals still prevail), the squeals of the animal – being of a register considerably higher than human screams – act as an aphrodisiac to the Aliens, whose physiology is markedly different than our own.

I would conclude by saying that differences must be embraced, but I’m afraid you’ll have to wait in line.

P.S.: I’m sorry to hear that your pig is missing.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[RWood]

Dear Doctor Bad A:

Today the stuffed Steiff cat that lives on my desk (her name is Catapea) brought home with her a red Logitech mouse. (A V220 cordless optical from my wife's laptop.) You can see it here. This is the first sign that she might be a mouser. She has ignored the Microsoft Explorer mouse that has been on the desktop for years.

Should I be concerned that she might start bringing home more mice? Could this be the start of something bigger?

Signed,
And Wondering Why

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I recently tried to suggest that the members of an online books discussion forum should consider reading e-books. Now, whenever I go to that site, my login spontaneously logs back out, and I keep hearing crickets. What's going on?

Dear Steve Jordan (if that is your real name):

Crickets are often confused with the sound of one hand clapping, a trait that many professional writers suffer as they seek feedback for their arduous efforts, sitting alone as they do on their buttocks, drinking tepid coffee and eating cold beans. The sound, however, is in the head and nowhere else.

The fact is, we all seek approbation, even haha, Dr. Bad Advice; (but that remains a different story…). I think you’ve reached that tentative stage where the onset of tinnitus makes its presence known.

There remains one other possibility to the sound you are hearing, obviating everything I’ve already told you. It’s possible that a cricket has indeed invaded your computer. Again, however, (and with much misgiving) I must state that this condition happens only to professional writers, particularly those writers whom the status of Celebrity has become more important than the act of Writing.

Witness the sad condition of Truman Capote and J.D. Salinger. (Salinger, of course, is dead; whereas Capote continues to amuse us on the Tonight Show with his antics and his high-pitched voice.)

Are you a writer, by any chance?

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[vivaldirules]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I have a bone to pick with you. I asked you once how I should treat my new ebook reader and you told me to take care of it like it was my most treasured possession - or did you perhaps say you thought my t-shirt was possessed? So, anyway, I buried it in the backyard next to my favorite pigskin chew toy - man, those things are dynamite especially after they've gotten all gooey and dirty and have cured a tad. So, anyway, yesterday I dug up my reader and now whenever I go to read my favorite ebooks Harry, Ron, and Hermione always turn out to be pimply little pubescent twits with complexes of divine omniscience. What have you done?! Please help.

Signed,
P.O.'d

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by RWood

Dear Doctor Bad A:

Today the stuffed Steiff cat that lives on my desk (her name is Catapea) brought home with her a red Logitech mouse. (A V220 cordless optical from my wife's laptop.) You can see it here. This is the first sign that she might be a mouser. She has ignored the Microsoft Explorer mouse that has been on the desktop for years.

Should I be concerned that she might start bringing home more mice? Could this be the start of something bigger?

Signed,
And Wondering Why

Dear And Wondering Why:

I believe that if you stuffed the cat and made the cat the mouse that a supreme Ironic Statement would be made. Please do this outside and far from neighbors, as cats can be very messy, unlike dogs who know how to show affection.

Once your task is completed you may find it difficult to manipulate the cat across the mouse pad, but you could always get a bigger computer and a bigger mouse pad.

Think of the advantages to my suggestion: No longer would you have to take out the litterbox, or feel embarrassed when the cat turns her eyes to observe you watching her use the litterbox. No longer would you have to watch in envy as your wife shared her affection with a cat.

If you feel secure in your marriage, you could even present your wife with the new stuffed cat. Imagine the two of you laughing over this incident, many years from now, in your doting old age.

I will say one more thing about your cat: Any cat that ignores a Microsoft product is one smart cat. Too bad you killed it.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

Dr. Bad Advice is back from lunch and will attempt to answer a few more questions before reading a good book...er, I mean ebook.

[RWood]

Hey BA:

Nice gig you got. I loved you on the A-Team TV series. Man, you kicked some a**. Good to see you finally got a real job other than pushing those boy dolls on some kids Saturday morning TV pablum.

Now I've got this buddy, you see, and he's afraid to fly. Says only loonies and crazy people fly. We've got this job we've got to get to in Lima, Peru to help this guy from the US get his teaching certificate and a few other things (if you catch my meaning, if you get my drift.) The highway is closed for repairs and the boat takes too long. How do we get him to Peru?

Signed,

(Captain) H. M. Murdock
Owner, Howling Mad's Flying School

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I have a bone to pick with you. I asked you once how I should treat my new ebook reader and you told me to take care of it like it was my most treasured possession - or did you perhaps say you thought my t-shirt was possessed? So, anyway, I buried it in the backyard next to my favorite pigskin chew toy - man, those things are dynamite especially after they've gotten all gooey and dirty and have cured a tad. So, anyway, yesterday I dug up my reader and now whenever I go to read my favorite ebooks Harry, Ron, and Hermione always turn out to be pimply little pubescent twits with complexes of divine omniscience. What have you done?! Please help.

Signed,
P.O.'d

Dear P.O.’d:

I can truly understand your position, but only one ebook Reader is so bad it truly merits early burial. It would be in very bad taste for me to tell you which Reader that would be. I see you have the Sony PRS-505. Well, as I said, it would be in very bad taste for me to mention that Reader.

As an aside to your story, there was a report today of a missing middle-aged woman in Texas who has been missing for 3 days. Oddly enough, authorities discovered a Sony PRS-505 lying on the floor next to the sofa where the woman read Manga comics, Neal Stephenson novels, and the cult ebook classic “The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn.” Authorities were stunned to discover such horrible taste in reading material from such an older woman.

“I would expect this from teenagers and those crazy kids who frequent ebook websites,” one detective said, and then added: “Especially that Neal Stephenson crap.”

“It’s all crap, if you ask me," another official admitted.

“Worse than crap. What I think is, I think it stinks,” yet a third official chimed in, popping his chewing gum with authority.

Mysteriously, the Reader itself was in perfect working condition, although its whereabouts is currently unknown. It is thought that one of the detectives from the designated crime scene is testing the unit for any clues...

However, getting back to your predicament. This is my best bad advice to you: Simply take your PRS-505 out of its cover and put it in the freezer and leave it there for at least one month. This is guaranteed to exorcise any demons from your Reader.

WARNING: You should use extreme caution with the ice-pick when chipping away any ice that may have formed on your Reader. However, if your hand does slip and damage occurs, call Sony and tell them that the screen cracked while you were reading the device. They may also be of assistance in helping you dial with your one undamaged hand.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice.

[UncleDuke]

doc, we got that rash thing cleaned up, a few million units of pen-vk and a dozen glazed did the trick, now i've got a bigger problem, these karma fortunes now say i'm kind to kids and little furry creatures, you know where you can put the little furry creatures but the kid thing could ruin my fading rep

help

[Dr. Drib]

Dr. Bad Advice has two individuals he needs to respond to, which he will do sometime tomorrow.

In the meantime, he's overseeing a new assembly upload for an upcoming book dealing with uplifting politicians. And I don't mean tummytucks or upchucks.

Dr. Bad Advice.

[radioflyertoo]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

Thank you for the cogent and revealing answer to my prior question - It has cleared the air.

However my Transmogrifier is now spewing out gobs of icky stuff. waht can I do?

[vivaldirules]

Dear Dr. Bad A,

I'm in desperate need of help. I just joined a book discussion group and I can't find the book for my Reader anywhere. Of course, since I can only buy DRM'd ebooks for it from the vendor that sold it to me........(and you know who that is)............they don't sell the ebook and they aren't scheduled to release another new ebook to their so-called customers until the Tuesday after Halloween and it's unlikely to be the title I need. You're gettin' the drift of my wind, aren't ya? (Oh, sorry about that.) Anyways, the book I need is The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn (sorry, I've forgotten the author). I hear it's a classic. Can you help me?

Signed,
P.O.'d

[=X=]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

There is something strage in the air.

<wisper> I believe my PRS-505 was abducted by aliens </wisper>

What's worse is these aliens are stuck in a reverse time continuum loop.

After reading this article Is the writing on the wall for paper? (Note date published date 9/8/2008) my PRS-505 mysteriously disappeared.

However after reading this article two days later Cory Doctorow: Put Not Your Faith In Ebook Readers (Again notice the published date 3/4/2008), my reader re-appeared.

Are these aliens on to something. Do these aliens know that PRS-505 readers will cease to exist in the past?

Concerned Reader,
=X=

[Catire]

Querido, Dr. Malos Consejos

El filtro de agua de la nevera en mi casa esta malo, sera que salgo a comprar agua o intento tomar agua del lavaplatos? otra cosa, remodelaron mi baño recientemente y ahora con el espejo grande que pusieron en el lavamanos creo que los vecinos me pueden ver cuando me baño, sera que coloco una cortina en la ventana o dejo que disfruten el show?

Gracias, espero con ansias su respuesta.