Silliness Lawyer Jokes (with malice toward none) - Page 2

zelda_pinwheel · 08-04-2008, 02:06 PM

wow ! Patricia For The Win ! most involved lightbulb joke i've ever seen.

pshrynk · 08-04-2008, 02:37 PM

Something long and involved about two professionals and a lawyer, ending with somethign aobut a shark:

"Professional Courtesy."

RWood · 08-05-2008, 10:57 PM

They found a lawyer stuffed in a trash bin with 15 stab wounds in the back. The sheriff ruled it the "Most determined case of suicide ever seen in the county."

badgoodDeb · 08-06-2008, 12:25 AM

rofl!!

grimo1re · 08-06-2008, 09:21 AM

Awwwww, I'm starting to feel sorry for the lawyers.....

Monty Grue · 08-10-2008, 02:17 AM

Q: Why did New Jersey get the toxic landfill dumps and Washington D.C. get the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

erwin · 08-10-2008, 04:44 PM

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Yes? Well, keep it for yourself, damn!

RickyMaveety · 08-10-2008, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWood

They found a lawyer stuffed in a trash bin with 15 stab wounds in the back. The sheriff ruled it the "Most determined case of suicide ever seen in the county."

Quote:

Originally Posted by grimo1re

Awwwww, I'm starting to feel sorry for the lawyers.....

Nah ... no point. Most of the biggest a--holes I know are lawyers.

RWood · 08-10-2008, 10:09 PM

Heard about the lawyer with 8 bullets in the heart? The coroner ruled it as death from lead poisoning.

Nate the great · 08-10-2008, 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWood

Heard about the lawyer with 8 bullets in the heart? The coroner ruled it as death from lead poisoning.

If the body had a heart, it couldn't have been a lawyer.

jpchan · 08-14-2008, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWood

Heard about the lawyer with 8 bullets in the heart? The coroner ruled it as death from lead poisoning.

Hey the guy doing the shooting has to be the best sniper in the world. How else could he have put one bullet let alone 8 into a target that small.

zelda_pinwheel · 08-14-2008, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jpchan

Hey the guy doing the shooting has to be the best sniper in the world. How else could he have put one bullet let alone 8 into a target that small.

pfff !

Sparrow · 08-30-2008, 04:26 PM

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, it's ok, I give up. You can have the duck.'

RWood · 09-24-2008, 11:31 PM

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

radioflyertoo · 09-25-2008, 06:45 AM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

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08-04-2008, 02:06 PM	#16
zelda_pinwheel zeldinha zippy zeldissima Posts: 27,827 Karma: 921169 Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Paris, France Device: eb1150 & is that a nook in her pocket, or she just happy to see you?	wow ! Patricia For The Win ! most involved lightbulb joke i've ever seen.

08-04-2008, 02:37 PM	#17
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	Something long and involved about two professionals and a lawyer, ending with somethign aobut a shark: "Professional Courtesy."

08-05-2008, 10:57 PM	#18
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	They found a lawyer stuffed in a trash bin with 15 stab wounds in the back. The sheriff ruled it the "Most determined case of suicide ever seen in the county."

08-06-2008, 12:25 AM	#19
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,553 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	rofl!!

08-06-2008, 09:21 AM	#20
grimo1re Geekette Posts: 435 Karma: 3335 Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: NSW, Australia Device: Sony Reader PRS500, PocketBook 360	Awwwww, I'm starting to feel sorry for the lawyers.....

08-10-2008, 02:17 AM	#21
Monty Grue Junior Member Posts: 9 Karma: 14 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Pacific Northwest Device: Kindle	Q: Why did New Jersey get the toxic landfill dumps and Washington D.C. get the lawyers? A: New Jersey got to pick first.

08-10-2008, 04:44 PM	#22
erwin Newton Zaelot Posts: 39 Karma: 60 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Trieste, Italy Device: Toshiba G900, Newton	Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: Yes? Well, keep it for yourself, damn!

08-10-2008, 10:09 PM	#24
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	Heard about the lawyer with 8 bullets in the heart? The coroner ruled it as death from lead poisoning.

08-30-2008, 04:26 PM	#28
Sparrow Wizard Posts: 4,395 Karma: 1358132 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: UK Device: Palm TX, CyBook Gen3	A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.' The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.' The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best lawyers in London and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.' The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?' The farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up.' The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, it's ok, I give up. You can have the duck.'

09-24-2008, 11:31 PM	#29
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

Advert

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09-25-2008, 06:45 AM	#30
radioflyertoo Hog Rider Posts: 266 Karma: 1581 Join Date: May 2008 Location: eastern PA. Device: HTC 7501	These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________ __________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.