Blurb needed for Flash Fiction - THE BELLY BUTTON COLLECTOR

[kennyc]

I think you should just use, "Stick it!" Madeline intoned.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I'm having trouble with this sentence:


1) Here, have some bananas, King Kong, you big old alpha male bloke.

2) Here, King Kong, you big old alpha male bloke. Have some bananas.

3) Shove these bananas up your arse, King Kong, you misbegotten alpha male bloke!


I'm really undecided.

I thought about asking Gregg, but he still has 10,879 sentences that need critiqued, so I know there's no help coming from him.

Any advice, or help, would be appreciated.

Any help or advice, would be appreciated.

I would appreciate any help or advice.


Thanks,
Captain Brigadier (Frigidaire) Rolf, the First

The third one.
Though I think plantains would work better than standard bananas.

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

The third one.
Though I think plantains would work better than standard bananas.

Whatever trips yer trigger.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by gmw

King Kong, you big old alpha male bloke. Here, have some bananas.
King Kong - you big old alpha male bloke - here, have some bananas.

And I'm wondering about all those adjectives. Should there be commas? You big, old, alpha, male, bloke. (There's a rule about when such adjectives do not require commas that I can't bring to mind right now - anyone else remember it?) Or, indeed, whether it should be "alpha-male" rather than "alpha male" or "alpha, male" in this context? Then there's the question of whether the tautology of "male bloke" is acceptable? I'd be inclined to use "you misbegotten alpha male ape".

There, doesn't that help just soooo much?!

First Officer in Charge of Confusion.

Your suggestions make a lot of sense. I don't think I'll use them.