Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 199

Format C: · 05-09-2011, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match
be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along side him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

... And a big sigh of relief could be heard from the catechism classes....

wodin · 05-09-2011, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

... And a big sigh of relief could be heard from the catechism classes....

Fbone · 05-09-2011, 10:24 PM

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

SolRaven · 05-10-2011, 02:21 AM

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Lycoming · 05-10-2011, 10:39 AM

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."

Fbone · 05-10-2011, 05:39 PM

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

badgoodDeb · 05-10-2011, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Took 3 days till you were out of the hospital afterwards, I imagine?

SolRaven · 05-10-2011, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Took 3 days till you were out of the hospital afterwards, I imagine?

Depends. I always took it as a compliment.

orlok · 05-11-2011, 06:41 AM

I was getting into my car recently, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

nohmi2 · 05-11-2011, 06:54 AM

A man was sick and tired
of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see
what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put
in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home.
I want her to know what
I go through.
So, please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day.
'
God, in his infinite wisdom,
granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough,
the man awoke as a woman...
He arose, cooked breakfast
for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked
up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank
to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put
away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box
and bathed the dog..
Then, it was already 1 P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust, And sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up
the kids and got into an argument
with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
got the kids organized to do
their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board
and watched TV while he
did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling
potatoes and washing
vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops
and snapped
fresh beans for supper.

After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids, And put
them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to
bed where he was expected to
make love, which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the
bed and said: -
Lord, I don't know what
I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay
home all day.
Please, Oh! Please,
let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change
things back to the way
they were.
But you'll have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night"

Cheers

orlok · 05-11-2011, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nohmi2

But you'll have to wait
nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night"

Cheers

Now that's one chore no man wants to contemplate!

Lycoming · 05-11-2011, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Now that's one chore no man wants to contemplate!

Nothing to it. I never felt a thing when our little girl was born..... why it took nearly 32 hours was beyond me. It seemed a simple enough mechanical operation.

Now, where's my tin hat, shovel and instruction manual for digging deep holes?

orlok · 05-11-2011, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Nothing to it. I never felt a thing when our little girl was born..... why it took nearly 32 hours was beyond me. It seemed a simple enough mechanical operation.

Now, where's my tin hat, shovel and instruction manual for digging deep holes?

I'd like to say I can empathise, but I clearly can't! Our first was about an hour and a half from hospital arrival to delivery - I hardly felt a thing (apart from my wife squeezing my hand until the bones squeaked)

.

Format C: · 05-11-2011, 10:43 AM

While my wife was finished delivering, after three long hours, I was really physically suffering: the cart broke at hole 2!

Fbone · 05-11-2011, 03:18 PM

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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05-09-2011, 10:24 PM	#2973
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

05-10-2011, 02:21 AM	#2974
SolRaven Wizard Posts: 2,214 Karma: 12796976 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: The Sunshine State Device: Clara, Voyage, Oasis, Paperwhite & PRS-650	------------ --------- ------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

05-10-2011, 10:39 AM	#2975
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. “No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. “I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!” The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.” The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!” “It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

05-10-2011, 05:39 PM	#2976
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

05-11-2011, 06:41 AM	#2979
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I was getting into my car recently, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure. You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

05-11-2011, 06:54 AM	#2980
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. ' God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.. Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night" Cheers

05-11-2011, 10:43 AM	#2984
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	While my wife was finished delivering, after three long hours, I was really physically suffering: the cart broke at hole 2!

05-11-2011, 03:18 PM	#2985
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.