Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 197

orlok · 05-02-2011, 02:41 PM

AN old couple decided to rent one of their rooms out because the house was too big for the both of them and a young 22-year-old model applied for it.

She looked around the house and said: "I would love to rent the room. But I can't...you don't have a bathtub and I really like to have a bath at night."

"No problem," said the wife. "We have a bathtub in the garden that we can bring in for you to have your baths in front of the fire.

"But what about your husband? I don't want him looking at me," replied the girl.

"That's alright," said the wife. "Every night he goes to the pub to play darts until 11 o'clock."

"Ok, I'll take it," she says.

A few days later she moves in and in the evening the husband went off to darts as usual. As agreed, the wife brings in the bathtub and fills it with hot water, while the girl strips off.

As she got in, the wife noticed that the girl had no pubic hair.

"What's all this?" she asked.

"I have to wax down there for swimwear shoots," she told the wife.

Later, the wife told her husband about what she had seen but he wouldn't believe her.
To prove she is telling the truth she tells him that the next evening she will leave the curtains open slightly so he can catch a glimpse.

The next night the husband goes off to darts but returns, as planned, at around 9 o'clock.

As the girl strips off the wife looks at the gap in the curtains and starts pointing in the girl's direction. Then, she lifts her own skirt up and flashes him.

Later that night, the two are in bed talking.

"What did you think about what you saw tonight?" the woman asked her hubby.

"I've never seen anything like it in my life," he said. "But tell me one thing...why did you flash me?"

"Just for comparison," she replies. "And anyway, you've seen mine thousands of times".

"I know I have," said the man. "But the rest of the darts team hadn't".

Falcao · 05-02-2011, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bikeridr

...And on the third day, he could open one eye and move his left arm.

That reminded me an old (bad) joke:

There are 3 women in a feminist congress: one German, one French, and one Mexican.

The German woman says:
- One month ago I told my husband: "Fritz, from now on you will help me with the dishes." The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything, but at the third day I could see hubby washing the dishes.

The French woman says:
- One month ago I told my husband: "Jean, from now on you will help me with the dirty clothes." The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything, but at the third day I could see hubby washing his dirty clothes.

The Mexican woman says:
- One month ago I told my husband: "Pancho, from now on you will help me with the kids." The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything, but at the third day I could open my left eye.

PLOP!

CyGuy · 05-02-2011, 03:59 PM

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

MJK2111 · 05-02-2011, 04:00 PM

Three women had a very late night drinking wine. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early breakfast, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first women claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

"You think that was drunk?" said the second woman. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first woman exclaimed, "Listen, girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

DrDln · 05-02-2011, 09:04 PM

Here's one for you all. Enjoy!

WHAT IS GLOBALIZATION!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Relates to Princess Diana's death.
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend,
crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car with a Dutch engine,
Driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,

Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles,
Treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using American
Bill Gates' technology,

And you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry drivers, hijacked by
Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian dockers, and trucked to you by illegal immigrants.....

Sent to me by a friend in Boston

That, my friends,
is Globalization !

Fbone · 05-02-2011, 10:07 PM

A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
"What are you doing?", he shouts.
The wife replies to her lover: "I told you he was stupid!"

travger · 05-03-2011, 11:23 AM

Isaac Asimov to an associate who wanted to distribute his autographed photos to his friends:

How about I should give them nice autographed paperback books instead. On the one hand, they might read them and give their reading muscles exercise. Then, too, if they should like them, they might do the right thing and buy my books - which is how I make my living.
After all, if they like my picture, what will they do? Buy different poses?

travger · 05-03-2011, 11:32 AM

I'm an Albanian virus but because of poor technology in my country I'm not able to do any harm to your computer. Please delete one or more of your important files yourself and then forward me to other users.
Many thanks for your cooperation!

To do is to be - Nietzsche
To be is to do - Kant
Do be do be do - Sinatra

orlok · 05-03-2011, 03:46 PM

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.

Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down & throws it away.

He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"

"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.

"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

James_Wilde · 05-03-2011, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJK2111

There was silence for a moment and then the first woman exclaimed, "Listen, girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

Reminds me of the girl who owned an alsatian (german shepherd dog for non-UK readers). One evening, when she was getting ready for her bath, after taking off her clothes, she was bending over to clip her toe-nails when the dog comes in, sniffs her, and tries to mount her.

She takes the dog to the vet and asks what can be done.

"Well, I can castrate him," says the vet. "That'll take away the urge."

"Seems a bit drastic," replied the girl. "Can't you just clip his claws and maybe do something about his breath?"

Lycoming · 05-04-2011, 06:22 AM

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

Lycoming · 05-04-2011, 06:43 AM

This is ancient. Two Scots on sentry duty before Culloden.

"Sniff, sniff.....I smell perfume."

"The English are coming!"

Lycoming · 05-04-2011, 06:44 AM

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Lycoming · 05-04-2011, 06:45 AM

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.

pdurrant · 05-04-2011, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.

Pretty hard to do, since it's not written down anywhere. I think you must be recycling a USA joke.

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05-02-2011, 02:41 PM	#2941
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	AN old couple decided to rent one of their rooms out because the house was too big for the both of them and a young 22-year-old model applied for it. She looked around the house and said: "I would love to rent the room. But I can't...you don't have a bathtub and I really like to have a bath at night." "No problem," said the wife. "We have a bathtub in the garden that we can bring in for you to have your baths in front of the fire. "But what about your husband? I don't want him looking at me," replied the girl. "That's alright," said the wife. "Every night he goes to the pub to play darts until 11 o'clock." "Ok, I'll take it," she says. A few days later she moves in and in the evening the husband went off to darts as usual. As agreed, the wife brings in the bathtub and fills it with hot water, while the girl strips off. As she got in, the wife noticed that the girl had no pubic hair. "What's all this?" she asked. "I have to wax down there for swimwear shoots," she told the wife. Later, the wife told her husband about what she had seen but he wouldn't believe her. To prove she is telling the truth she tells him that the next evening she will leave the curtains open slightly so he can catch a glimpse. The next night the husband goes off to darts but returns, as planned, at around 9 o'clock. As the girl strips off the wife looks at the gap in the curtains and starts pointing in the girl's direction. Then, she lifts her own skirt up and flashes him. Later that night, the two are in bed talking. "What did you think about what you saw tonight?" the woman asked her hubby. "I've never seen anything like it in my life," he said. "But tell me one thing...why did you flash me?" "Just for comparison," she replies. "And anyway, you've seen mine thousands of times". "I know I have," said the man. "But the rest of the darts team hadn't".

05-02-2011, 03:59 PM	#2943
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER It was entertainment night at the Senior Center Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience". The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "CRAP!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...

05-02-2011, 04:00 PM	#2944
MJK2111 FUBAR! Posts: 1,946 Karma: 15018767 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Woodstock, IL Device: Kindle 3, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 S	Three women had a very late night drinking wine. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early breakfast, and compared notes about who was drunker. The first women claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." "You think that was drunk?" said the second woman. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first woman exclaimed, "Listen, girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

05-02-2011, 09:04 PM	#2945
DrDln Banned Posts: 1,527 Karma: 2349214 Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Mountain House, CA Device: kindle	Here's one for you all. Enjoy! WHAT IS GLOBALIZATION! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Relates to Princess Diana's death. An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend, crashes in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, Driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, Treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology, And you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian dockers, and trucked to you by illegal immigrants..... Sent to me by a friend in Boston That, my friends, is Globalization !

05-02-2011, 10:07 PM	#2946
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man. "What are you doing?", he shouts. The wife replies to her lover: "I told you he was stupid!"

05-03-2011, 11:23 AM	#2947
travger Evangelist Posts: 485 Karma: 270594 Join Date: Aug 2010 Device: palm tx, Windows7, Galaxy A5	Isaac Asimov to an associate who wanted to distribute his autographed photos to his friends: How about I should give them nice autographed paperback books instead. On the one hand, they might read them and give their reading muscles exercise. Then, too, if they should like them, they might do the right thing and buy my books - which is how I make my living. After all, if they like my picture, what will they do? Buy different poses?

05-03-2011, 11:32 AM	#2948
travger Evangelist Posts: 485 Karma: 270594 Join Date: Aug 2010 Device: palm tx, Windows7, Galaxy A5	I'm an Albanian virus but because of poor technology in my country I'm not able to do any harm to your computer. Please delete one or more of your important files yourself and then forward me to other users. Many thanks for your cooperation! To do is to be - Nietzsche To be is to do - Kant Do be do be do - Sinatra

05-03-2011, 03:46 PM	#2949
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realizes it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

05-04-2011, 06:22 AM	#2951
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	THE 10 COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.

05-04-2011, 06:43 AM	#2952
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	This is ancient. Two Scots on sentry duty before Culloden. "Sniff, sniff.....I smell perfume." "The English are coming!"

05-04-2011, 06:44 AM	#2953
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

05-04-2011, 06:45 AM	#2954
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.