Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[neil_swann80]

Dwarf shortage.

[DNSB]

A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window.

The cop looks at the guy smiling and says, "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."

The guy responds, "Well, I came as fast as I could."

[DNSB]

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV" "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!"

Spoiler:

She's watching our wedding video again.

[BetterRed]

A memorial was held today at the Sydney Opera House for the satirist Barry Humphries (a.k.a. Dame Edna Everage). Lifelong friend and prominent art dealer Philip Bacon recalled Humphries taking art classes as a teenager, one of his early pieces was an installation of gumboots filled with custard.

“He called it puss in boots”.

[DNSB]

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18", says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

[DNSB]

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born...

[DNSB]

Not really a traditional joke but...

On Saturday, 2023-Dec-16, in Commerce City, Colorado, three armed and masked individuals committed a robbery at a cheque cashing service. When they went to make their escape, a fourth criminal had stolen their getaway car—which may have already been stolen by the original trio of criminals.

I couldn't help laughing at this report.

[afv011]

What's the difference between a light bulb and a software developer?

The light bulb stops working when it burns out.

[ownedbycats]

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. Enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

[DNSB]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”

[Martinoptic]

What is yellow and jumps between cakes?

Spoiler:

Tarzipan

[DNSB]

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

[ownedbycats]

[DNSB]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'

[ownedbycats]

Why do sneaky rogues prefer leather armour?

Because it's made of hide.