Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 182

James_Wilde · 04-05-2011, 04:44 PM

Some texans were talking about sex, and what kind they liked. One of them says "My favourite is Rodeo Sex".

The others want to know what Rodeo Sex is.

"Well," says the cowboy, "you take your wife from behind, grab a breast in each hand, squeeze them a bit, and then say 'hm, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds"

Mortis · 04-06-2011, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

Some texans were talking about sex, and what kind they liked. One of them says "My favourite is Rodeo Sex".

The others want to know what Rodeo Sex is.

"Well," says the cowboy, "you take your wife from behind, grab a breast in each hand, squeeze them a bit, and then say 'hm, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds"

Bet you only get to try that one once

Mortis · 04-06-2011, 02:44 AM

woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life.

She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.

"You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 227 sheep," says the woman.

The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

Mortis · 04-06-2011, 02:45 AM

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here? You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

Mortis · 04-06-2011, 02:47 AM

OK, last sheep joke for awhile

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.

The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!" Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!

So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"

"Huh?" he said.

"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."

Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."

A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.

Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw
the sheep?"

"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."

orlok · 04-06-2011, 05:36 AM

More Funny signs:

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg.

We want tows."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************

orlok · 04-06-2011, 05:42 AM

I went to the mall on Saturday, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, sugar..., how about giving a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked member of the Gestapo.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a royal piece of horse-sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket, for the cracked windscreen! This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. "Fat ass", I screamed at him. Yet another ticket. "Fat ass and fat belly", I shouted again. His hand wrote furiously as his neck went a deeper shade of purple and his blood pressure mounted and his breathing got heavier.

I then walked off as my bus arrived....

I try to have a little fun each day. It's very important.

BenG · 04-06-2011, 01:03 PM

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer!

kennyc · 04-06-2011, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BenG

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer!

orlok · 04-06-2011, 01:32 PM

An older man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the sex therapist.

The therapist tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, says the therapist, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the therapist. He says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

Poppaea · 04-06-2011, 03:14 PM

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

orlok · 04-06-2011, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppaea

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

yvanleterrible · 04-06-2011, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppaea

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

Mortis · 04-06-2011, 08:44 PM

Here everyone calls the "iPod Touch" the "iTouch", creepy if you ask me

pilotbob · 04-07-2011, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mortis

Here everyone calls the "iPod Touch" the "iTouch", creepy if you ask me

BUt we didn't.

BOb

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04-05-2011, 04:44 PM	#2716
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	Some texans were talking about sex, and what kind they liked. One of them says "My favourite is Rodeo Sex". The others want to know what Rodeo Sex is. "Well," says the cowboy, "you take your wife from behind, grab a breast in each hand, squeeze them a bit, and then say 'hm, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds"

04-06-2011, 02:44 AM	#2718
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life. She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep. "You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 227 sheep," says the woman. The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"

04-06-2011, 02:45 AM	#2719
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here? You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole! Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.

04-06-2011, 02:47 AM	#2720
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	OK, last sheep joke for awhile There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!" Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders! So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!" "Huh?" he said. "That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man." Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..." A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him. Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?" "That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."

04-06-2011, 05:36 AM	#2721
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	More Funny signs: In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************ On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ********************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ********************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ********************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ********************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ********************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ********************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ********************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ********************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." ********************** And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." ************************

04-06-2011, 05:42 AM	#2722
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I went to the mall on Saturday, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn traffic cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, sugar..., how about giving a girl a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked member of the Gestapo. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a royal piece of horse-sh*t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket, for the cracked windscreen! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. "Fat ass", I screamed at him. Yet another ticket. "Fat ass and fat belly", I shouted again. His hand wrote furiously as his neck went a deeper shade of purple and his blood pressure mounted and his breathing got heavier. I then walked off as my bus arrived.... I try to have a little fun each day. It's very important.

04-06-2011, 01:03 PM	#2723
BenG Home Guard Posts: 4,730 Karma: 86721650 Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Alpha Ralpha Boulevard Device: Kindle Oasis 3G, iPhone 6	Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer!

04-06-2011, 01:32 PM	#2725
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	An older man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the sex therapist. The therapist tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, says the therapist, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the therapist. He says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

04-06-2011, 03:14 PM	#2726
Poppaea Lucifer's Bat Posts: 2,577 Karma: 20638583 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Earth/Berlin Device: Kobo Libra Colour	I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

04-06-2011, 08:44 PM	#2729
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	Here everyone calls the "iPod Touch" the "iTouch", creepy if you ask me