Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 176

wodin · 03-25-2011, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

The devil or maybe smaug?

Naw, dragons ar good, Smaug was just ... uh ... misunderstood?

James_Wilde · 03-27-2011, 12:30 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

pilotbob · 03-27-2011, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

groan...

Pablo · 03-27-2011, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I didn't understand it at first, my mother language being spanish. Then I remembered how "Juan" is mispronounced by english speakers and got it.

kennyc · 03-27-2011, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Mortis · 03-27-2011, 06:58 PM

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

junkml · 03-27-2011, 09:41 PM

There was a very strong storm that came upon a small town. Though, the town priest wasn't worried. He believed that God was going to save him.
The waters rised and soon he had to climb up to the roof because the water was too high.

Later, a rescue boat arrived. They called for him, but he replied back, "Do not worry, I will be saved by God!". So they went away and left him alone.

It was still raining very hard. Then, a helicopter came to save the man. He said to them, "Do not worry, God will save me!". So they again went away and left him alone.

The waters rised even more and the poor priest drowned. In heaven the priest asked God, "Hey! Why didn't you save me from the storm?!".

God replied, "I sent a boat and a chopper, did they come?"

Mortis · 03-27-2011, 09:57 PM

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives and he walks around the elephant, scratching his chin and thinking for a few minutes. He walks over to a pile of old bricks, picks up two, one in each hand, walks behind the elephant, opens his arms wide and slams the bricks together, catching the elephants bits between them. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up again, but this time in his limousine, picks up a couple of bricks, and walks up to the elephant.
He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bricks and says, "Want me to use these again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

GeoffC · 03-28-2011, 06:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mortis

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives and he walks around the elephant, scratching his chin and thinking for a few minutes. He walks over to a pile of old bricks, picks up two, one in each hand, walks behind the elephant, opens his arms wide and slams the bricks together, catching the elephants bits between them. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up again, but this time in his limousine, picks up a couple of bricks, and walks up to the elephant.
He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use these again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

Lycoming · 03-28-2011, 09:00 AM

Old Folks Texting Codes
ATD At the Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fell

BTW: Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

CUATSC: See you at the Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWIW: Forgot Where I was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures out

LOL: Living on Lipitor

OMSG: Oh My Sorry, Gas

ROFLCGU Rolling on the floor Laughing and Can't get UP

SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop

TTYL; Talk to You Louder

WTP: Where's the prunes

GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

wannabee · 03-28-2011, 09:05 AM

SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop
Should be get into the main arena.

kennyc · 03-28-2011, 10:16 AM

GeoffC · 03-29-2011, 05:32 AM

NOAH: “But God! The ark is filled to capacity. I’ll have to cut off some arms and legs to make everything fit into a smaller vessel!”

GOD: “No problem! As long as they can still propagate the earth after the flood, a missing arm or leg is not big deal.”

NOAH: “But what about the dinosaurs? They just won’t fit into a redesigned ark!”

GOD: “Then throw ‘em overboard! I’ll come up with a story about how they went missing.”

NOAH: “Can I at least keep the ‘NO FISHING’ and ‘NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY’ signs?”

GOD: “I don’t think so. Nobody reads anymore anyway. Now get this boat down to a manageable size, cubit by cubit.”

NOAH: “OK, God. But can I ask you one question?”

GOD: “Sure.”

NOAH: “Why did you change your mind about the size of the ark after the flood? I mean, it’s really going to be a big job to make all those changes.”

GOD: “I know, but what else have to got to do? Oh, and get rid of some of those doves. I didn’t give ‘em wings so they could sit around and make noise.”

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:18 AM

Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble (wait till you see the last one)!:

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

orlok · 03-29-2011, 06:19 AM

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. EACH one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

(apologies to our forum friends who are blonde...obviously present company is excepted).

03-27-2011, 09:57 PM	#2633
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives and he walks around the elephant, scratching his chin and thinking for a few minutes. He walks over to a pile of old bricks, picks up two, one in each hand, walks behind the elephant, opens his arms wide and slams the bricks together, catching the elephants bits between them. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up again, but this time in his limousine, picks up a couple of bricks, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bricks and says, "Want me to use these again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.... Last edited by Mortis; 03-28-2011 at 09:51 AM.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

03-27-2011, 12:30 PM	#2627
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

03-27-2011, 06:58 PM	#2631
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!" His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

03-27-2011, 09:41 PM	#2632
junkml Addict Posts: 277 Karma: 1004969 Join Date: Mar 2007 Device: Sony Reader	There was a very strong storm that came upon a small town. Though, the town priest wasn't worried. He believed that God was going to save him. The waters rised and soon he had to climb up to the roof because the water was too high. Later, a rescue boat arrived. They called for him, but he replied back, "Do not worry, I will be saved by God!". So they went away and left him alone. It was still raining very hard. Then, a helicopter came to save the man. He said to them, "Do not worry, God will save me!". So they again went away and left him alone. The waters rised even more and the poor priest drowned. In heaven the priest asked God, "Hey! Why didn't you save me from the storm?!". God replied, "I sent a boat and a chopper, did they come?"

03-28-2011, 09:00 AM	#2635
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Old Folks Texting Codes ATD At the Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Fell BTW: Bring the Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare CUATSC: See you at the Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWIW: Forgot Where I was FYI: Found Your Insulin GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement GHA: Got Heartburn Again IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On LMDO: Laughing My Dentures out LOL: Living on Lipitor OMSG: Oh My Sorry, Gas ROFLCGU Rolling on the floor Laughing and Can't get UP SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop TTYL; Talk to You Louder WTP: Where's the prunes GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

03-28-2011, 09:05 AM	#2636
wannabee Media Bloke Posts: 2,382 Karma: 113956855 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: NSW - Australia Device: iOS	SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop Should be get into the main arena.

03-28-2011, 10:16 AM	#2637
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire

03-29-2011, 05:32 AM	#2638
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	NOAH: “But God! The ark is filled to capacity. I’ll have to cut off some arms and legs to make everything fit into a smaller vessel!” GOD: “No problem! As long as they can still propagate the earth after the flood, a missing arm or leg is not big deal.” NOAH: “But what about the dinosaurs? They just won’t fit into a redesigned ark!” GOD: “Then throw ‘em overboard! I’ll come up with a story about how they went missing.” NOAH: “Can I at least keep the ‘NO FISHING’ and ‘NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY’ signs?” GOD: “I don’t think so. Nobody reads anymore anyway. Now get this boat down to a manageable size, cubit by cubit.” NOAH: “OK, God. But can I ask you one question?” GOD: “Sure.” NOAH: “Why did you change your mind about the size of the ark after the flood? I mean, it’s really going to be a big job to make all those changes.” GOD: “I know, but what else have to got to do? Oh, and get rid of some of those doves. I didn’t give ‘em wings so they could sit around and make noise.”

03-29-2011, 06:18 AM	#2639
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble (wait till you see the last one)!: PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

03-29-2011, 06:19 AM	#2640
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. EACH one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." (apologies to our forum friends who are blonde...obviously present company is excepted).