Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 174

CyGuy · 03-22-2011, 03:56 PM

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry"

pilotbob · 03-22-2011, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyGuy

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry"

Now that is a knee slapper!

BOb

WT Sharpe · 03-22-2011, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CyGuy

..."He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry"

Oh, that's cold!

Stitchawl · 03-22-2011, 08:01 PM

Growing up in NYC, I remember it being advertised as
"The best ride for only a nickel!" I never realized!

Stitchawl

Mortis · 03-23-2011, 12:31 AM

A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double."

So the man says okay.

First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."
Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double."
Then his last wish is, "Beat me half to death."

Mortis · 03-23-2011, 12:34 AM

ok, just one more...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

GeoffC · 03-23-2011, 05:50 AM

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

kennyc · 03-23-2011, 06:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeoffC

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Stitchawl · 03-23-2011, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeoffC

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

2020? I have no recollection now!

Stitchawl

kennyc · 03-23-2011, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

2020? I have no recollection now!

Stitchawl

Born too soon.

Stitchawl · 03-23-2011, 08:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Born too soon.

Miniver Cheevy's opposite?

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 03-23-2011, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GeoffC

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

oh, my ribs!

Mount&do!!!

Ibepokin?

Ouch!

.......
What a nice way to start the day! Thanks Geoff!
....

GeoffC · 03-23-2011, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

2020? I have no recollection now!

Stitchawl

Mortis · 03-23-2011, 11:46 AM

An elderly man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem?" The elderly man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again." "So, what the hell is the problem?"
"Mister, you don't understand... I have Alzheimer's and I forgot where I live!"

LCF · 03-23-2011, 07:29 PM

I would say he's screwed... but he actually won't be.

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03-22-2011, 03:56 PM	#2596
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry"

03-22-2011, 08:01 PM	#2599
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Growing up in NYC, I remember it being advertised as "The best ride for only a nickel!" I never realized! Stitchawl

03-23-2011, 12:31 AM	#2600
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double." So the man says okay. First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double." Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double." Then his last wish is, "Beat me half to death."

03-23-2011, 12:34 AM	#2601
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	ok, just one more... A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

03-23-2011, 05:50 AM	#2602
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

03-23-2011, 11:46 AM	#2609
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	An elderly man is sitting on the park bench crying. Another man sits down next to him and says, "Mister, what's the problem?" The elderly man wipes the tears from his eyes and explains, "I've got this beautiful, 35 year old wife, and all she wants to do is make love from the moment I walk in the door till the moment we go to sleep and then when we wake up again." "So, what the hell is the problem?" "Mister, you don't understand... I have Alzheimer's and I forgot where I live!"

03-23-2011, 07:29 PM	#2610
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	I would say he's screwed... but he actually won't be.