Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 170

captkjaneway · 03-08-2011, 01:09 AM

I started up a dating agency for chickens,but it collapsed.

I just couldn't make hens meet.

You probably won't hear from me for sometime, I'm wanted for stealing swimming pool inflatables.

I've got to lilo for awhile.

kennyc · 03-08-2011, 05:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

hahaha just leave the AM or PM off and leave the noon in and I think everyone will get the idea mate.

.

I know, it's not people, but when you are dealing with computers and databases they don't know the words and some expect an AM or PM eh?

wannabee · 03-08-2011, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I know, it's not people, but when you are dealing with computers and databases they don't know the words and some expect an AM or PM eh?

ohhh!

I thought we were talking car clocks!

Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother?

A: Look ma no hands!

yvanleterrible · 03-08-2011, 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabee

I'm surprised that guy didn't pick them up with a stick.

They're probably his own!

Lycoming · 03-08-2011, 11:09 AM

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Format C: · 03-09-2011, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by desertblues

I never remember what is am or pm.

In French they say for 12.00... midi and for 24.00... minuit. Also easy
We say twelve or twelve/midnight ( if someone may have noticed it isn't dark yet).

here in Italy it's even easier...
We have:

breakfast time
coffe break time
mid morning snack time
second coffe break time
lunch time (3 hours long)
another coffee break time
mid afternoon snack time
early aperitif time
late aperitif time
dinner time (4 hours)
after dinner drink time
midnight pasta time

We don't even need numbers at all....

kennyc · 03-09-2011, 05:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

here in Italy it's even easier...
We have:

breakfast time
coffe break time
mid morning snack time
second coffe break time
lunch time (3 hours long)
another coffee break time
mid afternoon snack time
early aperitif time
late aperitif time
dinner time (4 hours)
after dinner drink time
midnight pasta time

We don't even need numbers at all....

Lycoming · 03-09-2011, 07:33 AM

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro , bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied 'Si,señor,sometimes the bull wins.'

Lycoming · 03-09-2011, 07:36 AM

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off

And streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,

Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

Hamlet53 · 03-09-2011, 09:51 AM

A union worker, a member of the Tea Party, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table there is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across the table, takes 11 cookies, looks at the Te...a
Partier and says: "Look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

Mortis · 03-09-2011, 10:11 AM

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble. The man says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying my mobile.”

The skeptical bartender says, “OK, prove it.”

The man then dials up a number and holds his hand out to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. ”That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”

“Yeah,” says the man, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my family, my friends, without having to tote around a bulky mobile phone. By the way, where is the mens room?”

The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The man goes in and twenty minutes go by and he has not returned. Fearing the worst, given the bad area of town, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the man. The man is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his unmentionable body part that we defecate from.

“Oh my God!” says the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The man turns and says: “No, no, I’m OK. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

wodin · 03-09-2011, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

here in Italy it's even easier...
We have:

breakfast time
coffe break time
mid morning snack time
second coffe break time
lunch time (3 hours long)
another coffee break time
mid afternoon snack time
early aperitif time
late aperitif time
dinner time (4 hours)
after dinner drink time
midnight pasta time

We don't even need numbers at all....

It reminds me of Peregrin Took's (or maybe it was Meriadoc Brandybuck) "second breakfast"

orlok · 03-09-2011, 01:29 PM

Slightly past it's use-by date...

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

kennyc · 03-09-2011, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

Slightly past it's use-by date...

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help.

They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.

isn't there an H missing? 370HSSV-0773H

pilotbob · 03-09-2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

isn't there an H missing? 370HSSV-0773H

Ah... I thought Osama had a cockney accent for a second there.

'ello!

BOb

03-09-2011, 10:11 AM	#2546
Mortis Canucklehead in Malaysia Posts: 1,633 Karma: 3127774 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Device: iPhone, Kindle	A man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble. The man says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying my mobile.” The skeptical bartender says, “OK, prove it.” The man then dials up a number and holds his hand out to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. ”That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah,” says the man, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my family, my friends, without having to tote around a bulky mobile phone. By the way, where is the mens room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The man goes in and twenty minutes go by and he has not returned. Fearing the worst, given the bad area of town, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the man. The man is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his unmentionable body part that we defecate from. “Oh my God!” says the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The man turns and says: “No, no, I’m OK. I’m just waiting for a fax.” Last edited by Mortis; 03-09-2011 at 10:12 AM. Reason: To not get banned for a naughty word

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03-08-2011, 01:09 AM	#2536
captkjaneway Cockney Sci-Fi Geek! Posts: 472 Karma: 1463094 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Wan Chai, Hong Kong Device: Kindle Paperwhite, Samsung Tab S 8.4", Samsung S6 Edge	I started up a dating agency for chickens,but it collapsed. I just couldn't make hens meet. You probably won't hear from me for sometime, I'm wanted for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I've got to lilo for awhile.

03-08-2011, 11:09 AM	#2540
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her." A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

03-09-2011, 07:33 AM	#2543
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro , bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied 'Si,señor,sometimes the bull wins.'

03-09-2011, 07:36 AM	#2544
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and Said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off And streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) Through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and naked Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

03-09-2011, 09:51 AM	#2545
Hamlet53 Nameless Being	A union worker, a member of the Tea Party, and a CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle of the table there is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches across the table, takes 11 cookies, looks at the Te...a Partier and says: "Look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

03-09-2011, 01:29 PM	#2548
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Slightly past it's use-by date... After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773 Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.