Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Format C:]

- Dad, why do condoms come in 3, 6 and 12 packs?
- Look, 3-pack is for high school boys: one is for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday. 6-pack is for college guys: two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday.
- What about 12-packs?
- They're for married men: one for january, one for february, ....

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by Format C:

- Dad, why do condoms come in 3, 6 and 12 packs?
- Look, 3-pack is for high school boys: one is for friday, one for saturday, and one for sunday. 6-pack is for college guys: two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday.
- What about 12-packs?
- They're for married men: one for january, one for february, ....

...and 144 packs for a glorious balloon filled party!

[Lycoming]

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[WT Sharpe]

One of my sisters send this to me this week:


A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[BenG]

An artist and his model have been trying different poses and themes all morning, but with no luck. It's all crap.
So they take a coffee break to discuss how best to attack this latest composition.
And as they're talking and having coffee, a car pulls up in the driveway.
The artist says, "Quick! You better get naked or my wife will think we're up to something!"

[BenG]

Two guys are walking down the street when they come across a dog licking himself.
"I sure wish I could do that," one guy confesses.
"I don't know. He looks kinda mean," his friend replies.

[Lycoming]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tyres, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tyres mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tyres, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[LCF]

[Lycoming]

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"





Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"




Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".




An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.




An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[DMcCunney]

It's World War I, and Paddy is bored. He loves a good fight, but he's the best brawler in seven counties, and no one will fight him.

Since there's a war on, he decides to join the British Army. Maybe the Boche will give him a fight. So he signs up, goes through basic training, and is shipped to the front...only to find himself in the middle of stalemate. It's trench warfare, and neither side is moving.

He gets an idea and goes to see his company captain.

"Beggin' yer pardon, sir, but what would you be saying is the most common name among the Jerries?"

"Hmmm, Let me think. Hans. Yes, that's it! Hans!"

Paddy goes back to his trench, carefully adjusts the sights on his Lee-Enfield, and starts calling.

"Hans?" "Ja?" "Hans?" "Ja?"

He pots a dozen Germans this way. Then one of the Germans gets an idea, and goes to his captain.

"I beg your pardon, herr hauptman, but what would you say is the most common name amongst the verdammt Irish?"

"Let me think. Hmmm, Paddy. Ja! That's it! Paddy!"

He goes back to his trench, carefully sights his Mauser, and starts calling.

"Paddy? Oh, Paddy? Hey, Paddy?" "That you, Hans?" "Ja!"
______
Dennis

[BenG]

Wouldn't it have been great if Whoopi Goldberg had married Peter Cushing?

[LCF]

Client: “My printer keeps printing junk.”

Me: “You have to turn off the computer and the printer, then turn on the computer first.”

Client: “Okay.”

*pause*

Client: “It’s still wrong.”

Me: “Did you restart the computer first?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Client: “The computer is too far away. It saves time if I just turn the printer off and on.”

Me: “That won’t fix the problem.”

Client: “I don’t see why not. I don’t have time to go back and forth.”

(We go through the procedure several times, with the client short cutting the directions each time.)

Me: “Okay, I think I know what to do. There is bad data in your cable.”

Client: “Oh. How do I get it out?”

Me: “First, turn everything off. Then disconnect the cable.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “Lay the cable out in the hall. Then pick up one end and shake the cable two or three times. Shake it very hard.”

Client: “Just a minute.”

(Time passes with strange noises coming through the phone. The client comes back on out of breath.)

Client: “OK, I did it.”

Me: “Good. Now reconnect the cable to the printer and then connect it to the computer. Then turn everything on.”

Client: “That did it! Thanks!”

(About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)

[DMcCunney]

Originally Posted by LCF

(About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)

I used to be Tech Support Manager for a small Unix systems house.

One of my guys got tasked by the company owner to make some changes on a system we sold to a customer.

He had a bad habit he picked up administering a small Xenix system at another job. He always ran as root, to avoid pesky permissions problems. (The root user on a Unix system is the administrator, with all powers to do everything. Unix assumed you knew what you were doing, and would happily let you shoot yourself in both feet.)

So when he got to the site, he used the menu driven system admin utility to create an ID for himself that was a clone of root, and used it to make his changes. He then used the utility to remove the ID he had created.

What he didn't know was that on that model of the vendor's system, unlike the smaller box we used at the office, when you used the admin utility to remove a userid, you also removed its home directory, and everything beneath it.

The home directory for root back then was "/". Yep, you got it. He wiped the entire system.

He then had to reinstall Unix from the distribution media, restore from the complete tape backup the customer had (thank God) made just before he came over, and re-do his changes, while trying to keep the customer's very bright and inquisitive rep who was staring over his shoulder from realizing what he had done. (The customer was a doctor's office. The system contained patient records. The outcome if they had not had a good backup does not bear thinking about.)

When he finally crawled back to the office that night, and told me what had happened, all I could say was "Now do you understand why I don't like you always running as root? Bet you'll never do that again right?"
______
Dennis

[thrawn_aj]

Found on Boing Boing:


Dunno why, but I cracked up .

[Mortis]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey slapped his forehead and replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's [obscenity deleted - MODERATOR] goofy!"