Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 161

wodin · 02-04-2011, 07:17 PM

Worth the time
By the time the Lord made women, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?”

And the Lord answered and said, “Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands.”

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. “Six pairs of hands! No Way!”, “And that’s just on the standard model?” the Angel asked.

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. “This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.”

But I can’t!” the Lord protested, “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, “but you have made her so soft, Lord.”

“She is soft”, the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?” asked the Angel. The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate.”

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.”

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord objected, “that’s a tear!”

“What’s the tear for?” the Angel asked.

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride.”

The Angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for women are truly amazing.”

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run, wheel or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their Family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

SneakySnake · 02-04-2011, 09:54 PM

...........
waiting for the PUNCHline!

yvanleterrible · 02-04-2011, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Blondes (or Brunettes, even redheads) With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”

Stitchawl

This is the best one yet!...

wodin · 02-04-2011, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

...........
waiting for the PUNCHline!

It's not really a joke, I just didn't know where else to put it.

Shayne Parkinson · 02-05-2011, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

What kind of plan is this?!
I might be a bit spoiled, but I haven't seen a limited data plan in about 10 years. Is it really so bad where you live?

Broadband isn't available where we live, so this is mobile broadband, delivered over the cellphone network. Super-convenient, but not cheap.

"Real" broadband plans are all capped here, though, and the lowest extra data rate is $2/GB, AFAIK.

desertblues · 02-05-2011, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

...........
waiting for the PUNCHline!

Yes, me too, but it is a very flattering piece about women. So I'll say; thanks for that tribute.

BeTePoK · 02-07-2011, 02:51 PM

http://kmplease.com/other/139

Quote:

My girlfriend, when I’m spending a night at her apartment, always making the same course: spaghetti with meet. Yesterday, I found a pack of spaghetti and a can of dogs’ food (meet) in her fridge. She doesn’t have a dog. KMP.

LCF · 02-07-2011, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shayne Parkinson

Broadband isn't available where we live, so this is mobile broadband, delivered over the cellphone network. Super-convenient, but not cheap.

"Real" broadband plans are all capped here, though, and the lowest extra data rate is $2/GB, AFAIK.

You can start your own satellite mini LAN ntwork. A friend of mine did this, when there were almost no internet providers in my home country.
He recieved very fast satellite internet and shared it among others. Now he has a steady local network with 200-500 users. But you need high populated area for this to be profitable/doable.

Edit: I just looked at some prices. Forget what I said

Shayne Parkinson · 02-07-2011, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

Edit: I just looked at some prices. Forget what I said

Yes, indeed.

Satellite is available where we live, but it's expensive. And mobile broadband does suit us, as we split our time between two places, and we can use it in either. It'd just be nice if it didn't cost so much.

CyGuy · 02-08-2011, 08:22 AM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

pdurrant · 02-08-2011, 09:15 AM

There was once a bold captain, who was well know by his crew for his courage and fighting skills. He had more than once successfully led his men against pirates attempting to board his ship.

He had one idiosyncrasy. When a fight seemed likely, he would always call to his cabin boy to bring him his scarlet jacket, which he would wear into battle.

One day his first mate asked him to explain about the jacket. "It's simple.", said the captain. "Don't tell the men, but if they were to see me injured, it might dishearten them. So I wear a scarlet jacket to hide the blood from any wound I might take."

And then, on one voyage carrying a rich cargo, disaster struck — not one pirate ship, but five, sailing directly towards the captain's ship.

"Never mind lads!" says the captain, "we're the boldest crew on the seas, we'll see them all off!"

And to his cabin boy he says "Boy, fetch me my scarlet jacket — and my brown trousers."

WT Sharpe · 02-08-2011, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

" — and my brown trousers."

Can't wait to tell that one!

Lirael · 02-08-2011, 03:32 PM

A young man is going to visit his in-laws. As he arrives, his mother in law is outside working in the yard.

Suddenly, a pack of wild dogs runs up out of nowhere and begins savagely attacking her.

Panicked, the young man rushes inside to his father-in-law. "Come quick, you gotta help! Mother-in-law's just been attacked by a pack of wild dogs!"

His father-in-law sighs heavily, looks at him, and says, "I'm sorry, son. There's nothing I can do. Those dogs are on their own now."

BeTePoK · 02-08-2011, 05:01 PM

No adult jokes, so I'm posting the link

http://kmplease.com/relationships/216

LCF · 02-08-2011, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeTePoK

No adult jokes, so I'm posting the link

http://kmplease.com/relationships/216

Oh boy. I hope it's not true.

02-04-2011, 07:17 PM	#2401
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Worth the time By the time the Lord made women, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” And the Lord answered and said, “Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands.” The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. “Six pairs of hands! No Way!”, “And that’s just on the standard model?” the Angel asked. The Angel tried to stop the Lord. “This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.” But I can’t!” the Lord protested, “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days. The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, “but you have made her so soft, Lord.” “She is soft”, the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.” “Will she be able to think?” asked the Angel. The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate.” The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” “That’s not a leak,” the Lord objected, “that’s a tear!” “What’s the tear for?” the Angel asked. The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride.” The Angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for women are truly amazing.” Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run, wheel or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their Family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. Last edited by wodin; 02-04-2011 at 07:19 PM.

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02-04-2011, 09:54 PM	#2402
SneakySnake I'm watching you! Posts: 6,113 Karma: 22344652 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Sunny Coast Qld, OZ Device: Sony PRS-900(unused lately) iPadAir2, want me Kindle Oasis	........... waiting for the PUNCHline!

02-08-2011, 08:22 AM	#2410
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

02-08-2011, 09:15 AM	#2411
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,059 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	There was once a bold captain, who was well know by his crew for his courage and fighting skills. He had more than once successfully led his men against pirates attempting to board his ship. He had one idiosyncrasy. When a fight seemed likely, he would always call to his cabin boy to bring him his scarlet jacket, which he would wear into battle. One day his first mate asked him to explain about the jacket. "It's simple.", said the captain. "Don't tell the men, but if they were to see me injured, it might dishearten them. So I wear a scarlet jacket to hide the blood from any wound I might take." And then, on one voyage carrying a rich cargo, disaster struck — not one pirate ship, but five, sailing directly towards the captain's ship. "Never mind lads!" says the captain, "we're the boldest crew on the seas, we'll see them all off!" And to his cabin boy he says "Boy, fetch me my scarlet jacket — and my brown trousers."

02-08-2011, 03:32 PM	#2413
Lirael Moomin Posts: 137 Karma: 202147 Join Date: Nov 2009 Device: Sony PRS-350	A young man is going to visit his in-laws. As he arrives, his mother in law is outside working in the yard. Suddenly, a pack of wild dogs runs up out of nowhere and begins savagely attacking her. Panicked, the young man rushes inside to his father-in-law. "Come quick, you gotta help! Mother-in-law's just been attacked by a pack of wild dogs!" His father-in-law sighs heavily, looks at him, and says, "I'm sorry, son. There's nothing I can do. Those dogs are on their own now."

02-08-2011, 05:01 PM	#2414
BeTePoK Guru Posts: 740 Karma: 12616666 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Republic of Belarus Device: Sony PRS-505	No adult jokes, so I'm posting the link http://kmplease.com/relationships/216