Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 155

lene1949 · 01-09-2011, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

OMG, I'm Rich !!!

Silver in the Hair.
Gold in the Teeth.
Crystals in the Kidneys.
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Azz.
Iron in the Arteries.

AND

An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth................

Lycoming · 01-10-2011, 12:57 PM

Remember.....she's taking directions from a Blond.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp-H8...layer_embedded

yvanleterrible · 01-10-2011, 01:22 PM

Obviously a fake! She should have died. A five pound watermelon traveling at fifty miles an hour, flat in the face will kill you. Just sayin'!

kennyc · 01-10-2011, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Obviously a fake! She should have died. A five pound watermelon traveling at fifty miles an hour, flat in the face will kill you. Just sayin'!

I don't know. I'm not an expert, but skulls are pretty hard and watermellons are somewhat soft...it might have been a glancing blow from the looks of it. maybe hit the top/side of her head (that's what she rubbed after) ...

Lycoming · 01-10-2011, 02:28 PM

She may also be a blond masquerading as a brunette. Just an idea.

pilotbob · 01-10-2011, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Obviously a fake! She should have died. A five pound watermelon traveling at fifty miles an hour, flat in the face will kill you. Just sayin'!

Guess you didn't see the last season of Amazing Race? (not sure if it was going 50mph though.)

BOb

yvanleterrible · 01-11-2011, 11:35 AM

You don't need to break a skull to kill someone. My bro in law died in a car accident fifteen years ago by hitting the windshield post. Trauma of the brain ensued and he died a day later, not a bone broken. In this case, the girl should have been at the very least knocked out and her nose should have been broken.

Squash and melons were used in some helmet tests because they have a similar density to a human head. Just pick up a 5lb melon in your hand and gently knock it to your face and then imagine a 50mph velocity instead...

kennyc · 01-11-2011, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

You don't need to break a skull to kill someone. My bro in law died in a car accident fifteen years ago by hitting the windshield post. Trauma of the brain ensued and he died a day later, not a bone broken. In this case, the girl should have been at the very least knocked out and her nose should have been broken.

Squash and melons were used in some helmet tests because they have a similar density to a human head. Just pick up a 5lb melon in your hand and gently knock it to your face and then imagine a 50mph velocity instead...

You are assuming it hit her square in the face/nose which clearly is not the case as I said.

LCF · 01-11-2011, 04:31 PM

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

WT Sharpe · 01-11-2011, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number
Call Center | Chatsworth, CA, USA

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

As I was growing up, since our number was one off from that of the local hobby shop's number we frequently got phone calls intended for them. My father, who had a bit of rascal in him, would often, rather than letting them know they had a wrong number, offer the callers spectacular cut-rate deals on whatever merchandise they wanted. I always wondered how that played out when the customers arrived at the hobby shop, cash in hand, ready to bag a bargain?

Nexutix · 01-13-2011, 03:23 AM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were flying in a plane.
One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade.

After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying.
They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head".
Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head".
Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said
"I farted and my house blew up!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a boy, and its his first day of kinder. and he doesnt know the first 5 letters of the alphabet. so his teacher asks him, "whats the first letter of the alphabet?" the boy says, "i dont know my alphabet." and his teacher tells him to ask his family and friends what the first three letter are. so he gets home, and asks his mom what the first letter is and shes watching tv and she says, "shut up im watching jepoardy!" so then he asks his sister and she has her boyfriend over so he asks her what the second letter of the alphabet is, and she says, "come on baby lets go" so then he asks the garbage man what the third is, and he says, " nothin but garbage nothin but garbage" so then he asks his grandpa what the fourth letter is and hes watching a gameshow so he says, "do it! do it! do it!" so then he goes and asks his brother what the fifth letter is and hes reading a comic and yells, " bbbbbbbbBATMAN!" then when he gets back to scholl his teacher asks him what the first letter is and the boy says, "shut up im watching jepoardy!" and his teacher is mad and asks, "lets go to the principals office" and the boy says, "come on baby lets go" and he gets to the principal and the principal asks, "who do you think i am?" the boy replys, "nothin but garbage", and he still thinks hes reciting the alpahabet! and the principal says, "im gonna call your parents", the boy then says, "do it do it do it!" then the principal says "okay ive called them, whos gonna save you now?" the boy yells, "bbbbbBATMAN!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nexutix · 01-13-2011, 06:41 AM

Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

BeTePoK · 01-13-2011, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Lycoming · 01-13-2011, 11:31 AM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"

pdurrant · 01-13-2011, 02:11 PM

I thought this one must have been posted, but I can't find it. A repost from the Politics/Religion forum:

A deeply religious man finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, he is not the winner.

Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, he loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does.

Despite all this, he never loses his faith, and even in his misery and poverty, he remain true to God.

Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he prays again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beseech you."

Suddenly, the skies darken, storm clouds gather, a flash of light rends the heavens, and the awe-inspiring voice of God rolls down to Earth....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."

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01-10-2011, 12:57 PM	#2312
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Remember.....she's taking directions from a Blond. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bp-H8...layer_embedded

01-10-2011, 01:22 PM	#2313
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Obviously a fake! She should have died. A five pound watermelon traveling at fifty miles an hour, flat in the face will kill you. Just sayin'!

01-10-2011, 02:28 PM	#2315
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	She may also be a blond masquerading as a brunette. Just an idea.

01-11-2011, 11:35 AM	#2317
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	You don't need to break a skull to kill someone. My bro in law died in a car accident fifteen years ago by hitting the windshield post. Trauma of the brain ensued and he died a day later, not a bone broken. In this case, the girl should have been at the very least knocked out and her nose should have been broken. Squash and melons were used in some helmet tests because they have a similar density to a human head. Just pick up a 5lb melon in your hand and gently knock it to your face and then imagine a 50mph velocity instead...

01-11-2011, 04:31 PM	#2319
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number Call Center \| Chatsworth, CA, USA (Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.) Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?” Customer: “How much for my daughter?” Me: “Um…” Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.” Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.” Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?” Me: “Adult websites.” Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

01-13-2011, 03:23 AM	#2321
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three men were flying in a plane. One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade. After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head". Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head". Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said "I farted and my house blew up!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There is a boy, and its his first day of kinder. and he doesnt know the first 5 letters of the alphabet. so his teacher asks him, "whats the first letter of the alphabet?" the boy says, "i dont know my alphabet." and his teacher tells him to ask his family and friends what the first three letter are. so he gets home, and asks his mom what the first letter is and shes watching tv and she says, "shut up im watching jepoardy!" so then he asks his sister and she has her boyfriend over so he asks her what the second letter of the alphabet is, and she says, "come on baby lets go" so then he asks the garbage man what the third is, and he says, " nothin but garbage nothin but garbage" so then he asks his grandpa what the fourth letter is and hes watching a gameshow so he says, "do it! do it! do it!" so then he goes and asks his brother what the fifth letter is and hes reading a comic and yells, " bbbbbbbbBATMAN!" then when he gets back to scholl his teacher asks him what the first letter is and the boy says, "shut up im watching jepoardy!" and his teacher is mad and asks, "lets go to the principals office" and the boy says, "come on baby lets go" and he gets to the principal and the principal asks, "who do you think i am?" the boy replys, "nothin but garbage", and he still thinks hes reciting the alpahabet! and the principal says, "im gonna call your parents", the boy then says, "do it do it do it!" then the principal says "okay ive called them, whos gonna save you now?" the boy yells, "bbbbbBATMAN!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

01-13-2011, 06:41 AM	#2322
Nexutix Reading and reading Posts: 582 Karma: 8250144 Join Date: Oct 2010 Device: Infibeam Pi, iPod Touch 4G, iPad Air 2, iPad mini 2, Oneplus One	Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

01-13-2011, 11:31 AM	#2324
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog for Sale He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs." In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"

01-13-2011, 02:11 PM	#2325
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,056 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	I thought this one must have been posted, but I can't find it. A repost from the Politics/Religion forum: A deeply religious man finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, he is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, he loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Despite all this, he never loses his faith, and even in his misery and poverty, he remain true to God. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he prays again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beseech you." Suddenly, the skies darken, storm clouds gather, a flash of light rends the heavens, and the awe-inspiring voice of God rolls down to Earth.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."