Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 154

SneakySnake · 01-07-2011, 12:55 AM

Stitchawl · 01-07-2011, 01:29 AM

I feel that I should clear up some misinformation
before it gets too out of hand...

I don't really know how to fish.

Stitchawl

lene1949 · 01-07-2011, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nohmi2

...and Lene is quite right!

I was browsing through Uncle John's Bathroom Reader while the ads were on the TV.

This report was in an Oz newspaper, and make its way into the Reader. I thought that it was very funny.

I shall try to find something funny to redeem myself.

Cheers

It was very funny, and many times newspaper articles are the funniest of all... Or, maybe that's just the Australian ones?

yvanleterrible · 01-07-2011, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I feel that I should clear up some misinformation
before it gets too out of hand...

I don't really know how to fish.

Stitchawl

Sure you know how, it's the same as sex! Get the worm in, get the worm out and some time if you're nice you get a bite...

desertblues · 01-07-2011, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

My wife and I were at home watching television. I had the remote and was switching back& forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said,

"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!
You already know how to fish!"

Stitchawl

nohmi2 · 01-07-2011, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

My wife and I were at home watching television. I had the remote and was switching back& forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said,

"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!
You already know how to fish!"

Stitchawl

.................now that's funny.

Cheers

nohmi2 · 01-07-2011, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

It was very funny, and many times newspaper articles are the funniest of all... Or, maybe that's just the Australian ones?

Have you ever been reading a paper in a public place, read something funny, started to giggle.......and then people seem to edge away from you?

We have what is known as the *flirt page* in our local paper. People who try to hook-up with someone they have seen, but never met. The following had me laughing.

"To the short, balding guy with bad breath and receding hair, who bought hamburger at XXXXXXX. UR smokin' hot!!!!

Cheers

WT Sharpe · 01-07-2011, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

My wife and I were at home watching television. I had the remote and was switching back& forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said,

"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!
You already know how to fish!"

Stitchawl

Oh, that's sad!

WT Sharpe · 01-07-2011, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nohmi2

...and Lene is quite right!

I was browsing through Uncle John's Bathroom Reader while the ads were on the TV.

This report was in an Oz newspaper, and make its way into the Reader. I thought that it was very funny.

I shall try to find something funny to redeem myself.

Cheers

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

It was very funny, and many times newspaper articles are the funniest of all... Or, maybe that's just the Australian ones?

It was. Took me a while to get it.

kennyc · 01-08-2011, 07:17 AM

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

Stitchawl · 01-08-2011, 07:20 AM

Stitchawl

WT Sharpe · 01-08-2011, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.
'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

OMG, that is

Lycoming · 01-08-2011, 03:23 PM

Year-to-date Statistics on Airport Screening from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered-------0

Transvestites----------------------33

Hernias -----------------------------1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases ---------------3,172

Enlarged Prostates --------------8,249

Breast Implants ------------------ 59,350

Natural Blondes ------------------3

To My Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!

Your Ex-Husband

PS. Don't try to find me. YOUR SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone & I found your letter. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich & Free Ex-Wife!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not going to be a problem for you.

nohmi2 · 01-09-2011, 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Year-to-date Statistics on Airport Screening from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered-------0

Transvestites----------------------33

Hernias -----------------------------1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases ---------------3,172

Enlarged Prostates --------------8,249

Breast Implants ------------------ 59,350

Natural Blondes ------------------3

To My Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!

Your Ex-Husband

PS. Don't try to find me. YOUR SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone & I found your letter. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich & Free Ex-Wife!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not going to be a problem for you.

Omigawd!!!!

I needed a laugh.

Lycoming · 01-09-2011, 07:26 AM

OMG, I'm Rich !!!

Silver in the Hair.
Gold in the Teeth.
Crystals in the Kidneys.
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Azz.
Iron in the Arteries.

AND

An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth................

01-08-2011, 03:23 PM	#2308
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Year-to-date Statistics on Airport Screening from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security Terrorist Plots Discovered-------0 Transvestites----------------------33 Hernias -----------------------------1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases ---------------3,172 Enlarged Prostates --------------8,249 Breast Implants ------------------ 59,350 Natural Blondes ------------------3 To My Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone! Your Ex-Husband PS. Don't try to find me. YOUR SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out... So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone & I found your letter. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Rich & Free Ex-Wife! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not going to be a problem for you. Last edited by Lycoming; 01-08-2011 at 03:25 PM.

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01-07-2011, 12:55 AM	#2296
SneakySnake I'm watching you! Posts: 6,113 Karma: 22344652 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Sunny Coast Qld, OZ Device: Sony PRS-900(unused lately) iPadAir2, want me Kindle Oasis

01-07-2011, 01:29 AM	#2297
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	I feel that I should clear up some misinformation before it gets too out of hand... I don't really know how to fish. Stitchawl

01-08-2011, 07:17 AM	#2305
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,907 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	The Woman Marine Pilot The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

01-08-2011, 07:20 AM	#2306
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

01-09-2011, 07:26 AM	#2310
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	OMG, I'm Rich !!! Silver in the Hair. Gold in the Teeth. Crystals in the Kidneys. Sugar in the Blood. Lead in the Azz. Iron in the Arteries. AND An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth................