Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 149

Lycoming · 12-13-2010, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James_Wilde

Neil will get you for that one!

I doubt it, it seems a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

WT Sharpe · 12-13-2010, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat
and coat on lassie.'

she replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me the the pub with
you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'

Women just never appreciate all we do for them!

Stitchawl · 12-13-2010, 10:44 PM

A Russian friend of mine just sent me this old Soviet Era joke!

The old couple saved for 30 years and had enough to buy a Lata car. They were told it would be delivered in 4 years on Tuesday.
They asked, "in the morning or afternoon?"
The car company asked what it mattered since it was not for 4 years.
The couple answered, "Because in the morning, is coming the plumber."

WT Sharpe · 12-14-2010, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

A Russian friend of mine just sent me this old Soviet Era joke!

The old couple saved for 30 years and had enough to buy a Lata car. They were told it would be delivered in 4 years on Tuesday.
They asked, "in the morning or afternoon?"
The car company asked what it mattered since it was not for 4 years.
The couple answered, "Because in the morning, is coming the plumber."

Here's one I remember from the era:

Leonid Brezhnev had been invited to a White House dinner and while there, was asked by Jimmy Carter to perform some Russian music on the White House piano. Brezhnev consented, and sat down at the piano. As he played, he noticed that one key was colored red. Curious as to why one key should differ from all the rest, he pressed the key. When he did, the ceiling opened and a bucket of water poured down on his head. The Americans howled with laughter. Jimmy Carter then told him, "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist the joke. I hope you aren't too upset."

"Nyet," Brezhnev replied. "Think nothing of it. I like a good practical joke as much as anyone."

A few months later, Carter was invited to a dinner at the Kremlin. At that dinner, Brezhnev asked Carter if he would perform some American tunes on their piano. Carter agreed, and sat down at the piano where he noticed there was a red key on that piano as well. At first he avoided it, but curiosity got the better of him and he finally struck the key. The Russians howled with laughter. Carter couldn't understand why they were laughing, for as far as he could tell, nothing had happened, so he played the key again. Again the Russians laughed to hysterics. He then played a series of staccatos on it and by now the Russians were literally rolling on the floor.

"I don't get it," Carter told Brezhnev. "As far as I can tell, nothing happened when I hit the red key, but you and all your guests are laughing uncontrollably. How about letting me in on the joke so I can share it with my friends when I get back to the United States?"

Through tears of laughter, Brezhnev replied, "What United States?"

DMcCunney · 12-14-2010, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

Along those lines:

Three guys are having drinks in a bar, and discussing the meaning of "savoir faire".

"Let me give you an example." says the first. "If I come home early and find a guy making love to my wife, and I say 'Excuse me.' I have savoir faire."

"Not quite." says the second. "If I come home early and find a guy making love to my wife, and I say 'Excuse me, continue.' I have savoir faire."

"You're both wrong." says the third. "If I come home early and find a guy making love to my wife, and I say 'Excuse me, continue.' and he can continue, he's got savior faire!"
______
Dennis

Stitchawl · 12-14-2010, 08:32 AM

Wow! Two good ones in a row!! Thanks, guys!

Stitchawl

DMcCunney · 12-14-2010, 09:33 AM

And another Soviet era joke:

Mrs. Petrovitch calls her son Ivan to the kitchen. "Yes, Mama?" he says.

She opens her purse and hands him money. "Here is 70 kopeks. Go to the newspaper kiosk. Get Isvestia for me, Pravda for your father, and Cosmonaya Pravda for your self."

"Yes, Mama!", says Ivan, and scampers off to run the errand. On the way out the door of his building, he runs into his father. "What are you doing?", asks papa. "Mama gave me 70 kopeks to get the newspapers!", replies Ivan.

"You tell Mama we don't need newspapers. We have the radio!", and he takes the 70 kopeks to go and buy a shot of vodka.

Ivan returns empty handed. "What happened?", asks mama. "On the way out I met Papa.", says Ivan. "He said we don't need newspapers because we have the radio, and he took the money to buy vodka!"

Mama sighs and opens her purse again. "Here is 50 kopeks.", she says. "Go the the newpaper kiosk and buy Isvestia for me and Cosmonaya Pravda for yourself." "But Mama", says Ivan. "What about Papa?"

"What about him?", she snorts. "Let him wipe with the radio!"
______
Dennis

WT Sharpe · 12-14-2010, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

And another Soviet era joke:

Mr.. Petrovitch calls her son Ivan to the kitchen. "Yes, Mama?" he says.

She opens her purse and hands him money. "Here is 70 kopeks. Go to the newspaper kiosk. Get Isvestia for me, Pravda for your father, and Cosmonaya Pravda for your self."

"Yes, Mama!", says Ivan, and scampers off to run the errand. On the way out the door of his building, he runs into his father. "What are you doing?", asks papa. "Mama gave me 70 kopeks to get the newspapers!", replies Ivan.

"You tell Mama we don't need newspapers. We have the radio!", and he takes the 70 kopeks to go and buy a shot of vodka.

Ivan returns empty handed. "What happened?", asks mama. "On the way out I met Papa.", says Ivan. "He said we don't need newspapers because we have the radio, and he took the money to buy vodka!"

Mama sighs and opens her purse again. "Here is 50 kopeks.", she says. "Go the the newpaper kiosk and buy Isvestia for me and Cosmonaya Pravda for yourself." "But Mama", says Ivan. "What about Papa?"

"What about him.", she snorts. "Let him wipe with the radio!"
______
Dennis

Lycoming · 12-14-2010, 04:00 PM

I boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Bilbo1967 · 12-14-2010, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is pleasantly surprised to notice an attractive young lady sat next to him.

He introduces himself, "Hi, I'm flying to Vegas for a couple of day's relaxation. What takes you there?".

"Oh, well it's a bit embarrassing actually", she replies, "I'm a student and my dissertation is about the difference in sexual techniques across different nationalities. There's a conference in Vegas tomorrow on that topic".

"Wow, that sounds interesting!"

"It is, there are some fascinating facts that research has uncovered. For example, the most considerate lovers are men of the Jewish faith, and the best endowed race are the Native Americans"

"That is interesting. Oh, allow me to introduce myself, my names Tonto, Tonto Goldstein"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

I boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Reuse and recycle

Although I like your version better.

desertblues · 12-14-2010, 04:07 PM

I smiled the first time and I smiled the second time. Men.........

LCF · 12-14-2010, 04:55 PM

A Scotsman goes into the local bar. The barman sees he doesn't wear his wedding ring, so he asks:
--What happened to the wedding ring?
--Oh nothing, it's my wife's turn to wear it this week.

James_Wilde · 12-15-2010, 08:35 AM

Whilst we're into Soviet jokes...

This policeman comes across a guy reading in a Moscow park and asks what he's doing.

"I'm jewish and I'm learning hebrew in case I go to heaven when I die."

"But supposing you go to hell instead?"

"No problem. I already know Russian."

Lycoming · 12-15-2010, 03:11 PM

Post deleted by MobileRead Moderating Team. Rape is not a subject for jokes.

My apologies for any offence caused by the post I placed here about a tazer. I did not intend that anybody should be offended, and should obviously have thought of that prior to posting. Mea culpa.

Stitchawl · 12-16-2010, 06:21 PM

December 8th 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th
Sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor

December 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15th
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..

December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel!

December 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..

December 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24th
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th
Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her

December 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th
The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8th
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?????

Enjoy the turkey and feel good about not having to use the snow shovel

12-14-2010, 09:33 AM	#2227
DMcCunney New York Editor Posts: 6,384 Karma: 16540415 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: PalmTX, Pocket eDGe, Alcatel Fierce 4, RCA Viking Pro 10, Nexus 7	And another Soviet era joke: Mrs. Petrovitch calls her son Ivan to the kitchen. "Yes, Mama?" he says. She opens her purse and hands him money. "Here is 70 kopeks. Go to the newspaper kiosk. Get Isvestia for me, Pravda for your father, and Cosmonaya Pravda for your self." "Yes, Mama!", says Ivan, and scampers off to run the errand. On the way out the door of his building, he runs into his father. "What are you doing?", asks papa. "Mama gave me 70 kopeks to get the newspapers!", replies Ivan. "You tell Mama we don't need newspapers. We have the radio!", and he takes the 70 kopeks to go and buy a shot of vodka. Ivan returns empty handed. "What happened?", asks mama. "On the way out I met Papa.", says Ivan. "He said we don't need newspapers because we have the radio, and he took the money to buy vodka!" Mama sighs and opens her purse again. "Here is 50 kopeks.", she says. "Go the the newpaper kiosk and buy Isvestia for me and Cosmonaya Pravda for yourself." "But Mama", says Ivan. "What about Papa?" "What about him?", she snorts. "Let him wipe with the radio!" ______ Dennis Last edited by DMcCunney; 12-14-2010 at 12:14 PM.

12-15-2010, 03:11 PM	#2234
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Post deleted by MobileRead Moderating Team. Rape is not a subject for jokes. My apologies for any offence caused by the post I placed here about a tazer. I did not intend that anybody should be offended, and should obviously have thought of that prior to posting. Mea culpa. Last edited by Lycoming; 12-16-2010 at 12:48 PM. Reason: Inappropriate content

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12-13-2010, 10:44 PM	#2223
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A Russian friend of mine just sent me this old Soviet Era joke! The old couple saved for 30 years and had enough to buy a Lata car. They were told it would be delivered in 4 years on Tuesday. They asked, "in the morning or afternoon?" The car company asked what it mattered since it was not for 4 years. The couple answered, "Because in the morning, is coming the plumber."

12-14-2010, 08:32 AM	#2226
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Wow! Two good ones in a row!! Thanks, guys! Stitchawl

12-14-2010, 04:00 PM	#2229
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	I boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York and taking my seat as I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside me. "Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some popular myths about sexuality." "Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

12-14-2010, 04:07 PM	#2231
desertblues Home for the moment Posts: 5,127 Karma: 27718936 Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: travelling Device: various	I smiled the first time and I smiled the second time. Men.........

12-14-2010, 04:55 PM	#2232
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	A Scotsman goes into the local bar. The barman sees he doesn't wear his wedding ring, so he asks: --What happened to the wedding ring? --Oh nothing, it's my wife's turn to wear it this week.

12-15-2010, 08:35 AM	#2233
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	Whilst we're into Soviet jokes... This policeman comes across a guy reading in a Moscow park and asks what he's doing. "I'm jewish and I'm learning hebrew in case I go to heaven when I die." "But supposing you go to hell instead?" "No problem. I already know Russian."

12-16-2010, 06:21 PM	#2235
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	December 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12th Sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.. December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel! December 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.. December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying. December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25th Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am? December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted. December 31st Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed????? Enjoy the turkey and feel good about not having to use the snow shovel