Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[devilsadvocate]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Not quiiiiiite. We take a basic proton* , speed it up a little**, and throw it at the wall*** and see what is inside it.****

* okay, we take a lot of protons all at once. They used to be Hydrogen, but we stripped off the electrons.
** okay, we actually speed it up to 99.99% the speed of light
*** okay, we actually aim it at particular target bits of metal. Or other protons. Or we sometimes aim the proton at a bunch of ANTI-protons.
**** What's inside it is all sorts of littler bits. Quarks, neutrinos, junk like that.
***** http://www.fnal.gov has cool pics somewhere plus lots more info

To whom do I submit a résumé?

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by devilsadvocate

To whom do I submit a résumé?

To each his own. I want to give my res to doreenjoy to drop off on her way home!


Stitchawl

[Exer]

I lost 125 pounds drinking nothing but beer. I think she took the remote though.

[SneakySnake]

Wanna lose 10 pounds of ugly fat?

Spoiler:

Cut off your head!

[doreenjoy]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

To each his own. I want to give my res to doreenjoy to drop off on her way home!


Stitchawl

Send it on over!

[Lycoming]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.



The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.



The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”




“My wife.”

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.



The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.



The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”




“My wife.”

[desertblues]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.



The man replies,

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.



The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”




“My wife.”

[Lycoming]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
-a Tube of K-Y jelly; - a rubber glove; -and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"





Man comes into work with a huge bandage all over his nose. His buddies ask him what the heck happened.

"I had some seenus trouble over the weekend," he replies.

"Don't you mean sinus trouble?"

"No, I was out with my girlfriend and my wife seen'us!"

[Lycoming]

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."



The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."



The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"



The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"
__________________

[Lycoming]

Classes for Women at the Adult Learning
Center - Spring 2011



NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

And my favorite
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Classes for Women at the Adult Learning
Center - Spring 2011

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Ohhhh, I see. These are classes in FICTION. You should have said so!

[Stitchawl]

It's time for a career change.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons
of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
``Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will
be, ``No, just sensible.''

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
``No.'' and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried
out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't
believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
``mercy''; I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned
disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military
boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
plan into operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know.''

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray
her own father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my
troops to have a more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy
weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of
savages armed with spears and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play;
rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able
to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bedchamber.

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned
disposal.

What, no more "only mostly dead"?

[devilsadvocate]

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

It's time for a career change.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:

...snip

Need an IT guy?
Don't worry about any conniving, usurping, or treachery on my part; I'm just in it for the paycheck. By the way, will your minions/stormtroopers/non-contract employees get health insurance and a 401(k) retirement plan? I have references.