Silliness Terrible Jokes - Page 14

Comfy.n · 08-28-2023, 11:23 AM

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

DNSB · 08-28-2023, 03:46 PM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

ownedbycats · 08-29-2023, 07:16 PM

A man checks out an antique store and is not impressed by its wares. However, he notices the shopowner's cat drinking out of what he knows to be a priceless dish!

Knowing that the owner doesn't realize what he's got right under his (or rather, his cat's) nose, he tries a little ruse: He asks to buy the cat for $5.

The owner agrees, and the man buys the cat. However, just before he leaves, he offhandedly says "By the way, do you mind if I take that dish as well? He seems to like it."

The owner scoffs. "Are you kidding? Thanks to that dish I've sold 75 cats in a month!"

DNSB · 08-29-2023, 11:11 PM

Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other

"Hey Bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?"

"I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs"

Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest.

"My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?"

"No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

ownedbycats · 08-30-2023, 10:54 PM

A hundred years ago, everyone had horses and cars were for the rich.

Today, everyone has cars and horses are for the rich.

The stables have turned.

DNSB · 08-31-2023, 04:34 PM

Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.” The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says “OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade.”

afv011 · 09-02-2023, 09:31 PM

What did the electrician’s boss say when she came late to work?

"Wire you insulate?"

DNSB · 09-03-2023, 12:28 AM

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a construction worker?

Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

ownedbycats · 09-03-2023, 12:49 AM

A woman walked by an old man's house every day as she went home. The man just sat in his rocker on his porch and was always in a good mood and had a smile on his face. After a while, she began to get curious so she decided to ask him about his secret to living happy like that.

Woman: Hello, I've noticed that you always have a smile on your face and wanted to know how you've lived such a long and happy life. What's your secret?

Old Man: Well, that's easy. I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, I only eat junk food, and I don't exercise.

Woman (surprised): Wow, really? And exactly how old are you?

Old Man: Twenty-six.

DNSB · 09-03-2023, 12:17 PM

Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

ownedbycats · 09-03-2023, 08:29 PM

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

DNSB · 09-03-2023, 09:54 PM

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she said.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

ownedbycats · 09-04-2023, 05:21 PM

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the no-bell prize!

afv011 · 09-04-2023, 06:26 PM

Interviewer: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

Candidate: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness.

Candidate: I don't give a crap what you think!

DNSB · 09-04-2023, 08:50 PM

Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?”

Candidate: “Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.”

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
DO NOT BUY ONYX BOOX! Terrible device, terrible customer service!	alain_desilets	Onyx Boox	15	05-05-2015 03:54 PM
PB - Jokes	cipri	PocketBook	50	04-06-2011 02:13 PM
April Jokes	doctorow	Lounge	2	04-01-2005 10:24 AM

08-28-2023, 11:23 AM	#196
Comfy.n want to learn what I want Posts: 1,612 Karma: 7891011 Join Date: Sep 2020 Device: none	Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it’s cold out here!

08-28-2023, 03:46 PM	#197
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

08-29-2023, 07:16 PM	#198
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 11,000 Karma: 75337983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	A man checks out an antique store and is not impressed by its wares. However, he notices the shopowner's cat drinking out of what he knows to be a priceless dish! Knowing that the owner doesn't realize what he's got right under his (or rather, his cat's) nose, he tries a little ruse: He asks to buy the cat for $5. The owner agrees, and the man buys the cat. However, just before he leaves, he offhandedly says "By the way, do you mind if I take that dish as well? He seems to like it." The owner scoffs. "Are you kidding? Thanks to that dish I've sold 75 cats in a month!"

08-29-2023, 11:11 PM	#199
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Two soldiers are sat on top of a hill looking for targets. One says to the other "Hey Bob, is that...is that a bacon tree?" "I don't know Jim, go have a look while I stay here and cover our backs" Jim goes for a closer look and Bob stays on the hill eating his lunch. After a while Jim returns with about ten arrows in his chest. "My god what happened? Was it a bacon tree?" "No Bob, turned out to be a ham bush"

08-30-2023, 10:54 PM	#200
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 11,000 Karma: 75337983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	A hundred years ago, everyone had horses and cars were for the rich. Today, everyone has cars and horses are for the rich. The stables have turned.

08-31-2023, 04:34 PM	#201
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.” The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says “OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade.”

09-02-2023, 09:31 PM	#202
afv011 Captain Penguin Posts: 2,965 Karma: 2079999999 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Seattle, WA Device: Kobo Clara BW, Kobo Libra 2, Nook Glowlight	What did the electrician’s boss say when she came late to work? "Wire you insulate?"

09-03-2023, 12:28 AM	#203
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a construction worker? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

09-03-2023, 12:49 AM	#204
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 11,000 Karma: 75337983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	A woman walked by an old man's house every day as she went home. The man just sat in his rocker on his porch and was always in a good mood and had a smile on his face. After a while, she began to get curious so she decided to ask him about his secret to living happy like that. Woman: Hello, I've noticed that you always have a smile on your face and wanted to know how you've lived such a long and happy life. What's your secret? Old Man: Well, that's easy. I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, I only eat junk food, and I don't exercise. Woman (surprised): Wow, really? And exactly how old are you? Old Man: Twenty-six.

09-03-2023, 12:17 PM	#205
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck …

Advert

Advert

09-03-2023, 08:29 PM	#206
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 11,000 Karma: 75337983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	What's brown and sticky? A stick.

09-03-2023, 09:54 PM	#207
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she said. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

09-04-2023, 05:21 PM	#208
ownedbycats Custom User Title Posts: 11,000 Karma: 75337983 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Canada Device: Kobo Libra H2O, formerly Aura HD	Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize!

09-04-2023, 06:26 PM	#209
afv011 Captain Penguin Posts: 2,965 Karma: 2079999999 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Seattle, WA Device: Kobo Clara BW, Kobo Libra 2, Nook Glowlight	Interviewer: Tell me one of your weaknesses. Candidate: Honesty. Interviewer: I don't think that's a weakness. Candidate: I don't give a crap what you think!

09-04-2023, 08:50 PM	#210
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,347 Karma: 169098492 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Interviewer: “Why do you want this job?” Candidate: “Well, I’ve always been really passionate about not starving to death.”