Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 138

kennyc · 11-14-2010, 01:07 PM

#6

poohbear_nc · 11-14-2010, 01:10 PM

#23

Lycoming · 11-14-2010, 04:52 PM

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end..............

you'll wish you had a f*****g club and a spade.....

kennyc · 11-14-2010, 04:56 PM

http://xkcd.com/812/

lene1949 · 11-14-2010, 08:06 PM

Absolutely hilarious..

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Best Newspaper Headlines of 1998

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
7. Would-be Women Priests Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Large Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Javed · 11-15-2010, 04:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

Absolutely hilarious..

@ Kenny

EZPuzzler · 11-15-2010, 10:26 AM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

Nexutix · 11-15-2010, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EZPuzzler

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

:r ofl:

Lycoming · 11-15-2010, 12:05 PM

Just like the former gynaecologist turned interior decorator, he could decorate a hallway through the letterbox without dust sheets.

Sorry girls, there must be a blokey version somewhere.

A male gynaecologist is like a car mechanic who has never owned a car.

raphaelnonsenso · 11-15-2010, 04:39 PM

Standard pricing procedure
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

badgoodDeb · 11-15-2010, 08:13 PM

I hope the doctor was female!

doreenjoy · 11-16-2010, 02:42 AM

The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.

desertgrandma · 11-16-2010, 04:26 PM

Why you never see a dead penguin on the ice.......

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life..

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird and it is buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

CyGuy · 11-16-2010, 04:58 PM

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He carefully drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off so the mechanic can take a look, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl with two scoops of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

CyGuy · 11-16-2010, 05:41 PM

An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of
his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and
enthusiasm every time.

11-15-2010, 12:05 PM	#2064
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Just like the former gynaecologist turned interior decorator, he could decorate a hallway through the letterbox without dust sheets. Sorry girls, there must be a blokey version somewhere. A male gynaecologist is like a car mechanic who has never owned a car. Last edited by Lycoming; 11-15-2010 at 02:37 PM.

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11-14-2010, 01:07 PM	#2056
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,907 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	#6

11-14-2010, 01:10 PM	#2057
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,585 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	#23

11-14-2010, 04:52 PM	#2058
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Marriage is like a deck of cards.................... In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end.............. you'll wish you had a f*****g club and a spade.....

11-14-2010, 04:56 PM	#2059
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,907 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	http://xkcd.com/812/

11-15-2010, 10:26 AM	#2062
EZPuzzler Connoisseur Posts: 55 Karma: 475060 Join Date: May 2009 Device: Nexus 7, Sony T2	A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

11-15-2010, 04:39 PM	#2065
raphaelnonsenso Enthusiast Posts: 27 Karma: 104 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Berkshire,UK Device: Sony Touch, K3	Standard pricing procedure In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

11-15-2010, 08:13 PM	#2066
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	I hope the doctor was female!

11-16-2010, 02:42 AM	#2067
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.

11-16-2010, 04:26 PM	#2068
desertgrandma Enjoying the show.... Posts: 14,270 Karma: 10462843 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Arizona Device: A K1, Kindle Paperwhite, an Ipod, IPad2, Iphone, an Ipad Mini & macAir	Why you never see a dead penguin on the ice....... The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird and it is buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow" "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

11-16-2010, 04:58 PM	#2069
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He carefully drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off so the mechanic can take a look, the penguin decides to take a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl with two scoops of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

11-16-2010, 05:41 PM	#2070
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.