Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 135

SameOldStory · 11-09-2010, 11:33 PM

OK,OK. Great men repete themselves.

Uhh. Is this one new?

GENTLEMEN - THIS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE...............

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right
time.........Priceless.....................

yvanleterrible · 11-10-2010, 04:47 AM

That was also a repetition...sorry...

SameOldStory · 11-10-2010, 07:12 AM

Drats!

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

kennyc · 11-10-2010, 07:33 AM

Given my Alzheimers I welcome repeats!

pilotbob · 11-10-2010, 11:07 AM

Good stuff SoS... although, I thought croutons where toasted bread?

BOb

poohbear_nc · 11-10-2010, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Good stuff SoS... although, I thought croutons where toasted bread?

BOb

toasted stale bread

pilotbob · 11-10-2010, 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

toasted stale bread

You learn something new every day. Even in the joke thread.

BOb

Lycoming · 11-10-2010, 11:22 AM

Croutons. Melt butter in frying pan. When hot toss in cubes of bread. Add salt and black pepper. Fry until golden brown. Remove from pan, drain on kitchen paper. Enjoy.

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

An old grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,"You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison--

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!

Lycoming · 11-10-2010, 11:24 AM

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair,

he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out!. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

Lycoming · 11-10-2010, 11:28 AM

It all began with an iPhone...
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when
she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

SameOldStory · 11-10-2010, 11:50 AM

Nope, I good. A few of the lines have been used way back before my time on MR (in '07 & '09). But not the complete post that I just made.

I may be stupid, but I'm not too senile.

Croutons (Wiki) - "A crouton is a small piece of sautéed or rebaked bread, "
............................"Dry or stale leftover bread is usually used in lieu of fresh bread."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

badgoodDeb · 11-10-2010, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

My STBX husband says his purpose in life is to serve as a bad example. He's very good at it!

Stitchawl · 11-10-2010, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

My STBX husband says his purpose in life is to serve as a bad example. He's very good at it!

I was somewhat taken aback when I realized that I was one of those people my mother warned me about...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of
August? Cool!"

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 11-10-2010, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Pink?

WT Sharpe · 11-10-2010, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

That was also a repetition...sorry...

Not really. In that other post, the husband's name was Joe.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

11-09-2010, 11:33 PM	#2011
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	OK,OK. Great men repete themselves. Uhh. Is this one new? GENTLEMEN - THIS MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE............... Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.....................

11-10-2010, 04:47 AM	#2012
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	That was also a repetition...sorry...

11-10-2010, 07:12 AM	#2013
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Drats! Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

11-10-2010, 07:33 AM	#2014
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,917 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Given my Alzheimers I welcome repeats!

11-10-2010, 11:07 AM	#2015
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	Good stuff SoS... although, I thought croutons where toasted bread? BOb

11-10-2010, 11:22 AM	#2018
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Croutons. Melt butter in frying pan. When hot toss in cubes of bread. Add salt and black pepper. Fry until golden brown. Remove from pan, drain on kitchen paper. Enjoy. Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. An old grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said,"You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison-- "We were at your birthday party yesterday!

11-10-2010, 11:24 AM	#2019
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, 'Why so glum?' The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!' 'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?' 'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.' 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!' The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.' 'You a smoker?' the demon asked. 'You better believe it!' 'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out!. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?' 'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!' The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.' 'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.' 'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?' The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .' 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!' 'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!' The demon said, 'You gay?' 'No.' 'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

11-10-2010, 11:28 AM	#2020
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	It all began with an iPhone... March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch. September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon. What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service

11-10-2010, 11:50 AM	#2021
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Nope, I good. A few of the lines have been used way back before my time on MR (in '07 & '09). But not the complete post that I just made. I may be stupid, but I'm not too senile. Croutons (Wiki) - "A crouton is a small piece of sautéed or rebaked bread, " ............................"Dry or stale leftover bread is usually used in lieu of fresh bread." A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"