Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 130

Lycoming · 10-31-2010, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

They're nice, but I like this one. It's a bit risqué, so I'm enclosing it in Spoiler Tags. (I also suspect it's upside-down.)

Spoiler:

BTW, I love those jokes you post. They've made my day on more than one occasion!

There are some real artists out there.

PeteS · 10-31-2010, 03:21 PM

Hope this is an original - started to read but as thread is 130 pages decided to take a chance.

After 40 years of marriage an elderly couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her
husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck the began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck and slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just above her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand over her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, the suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote"

kennyc · 10-31-2010, 03:25 PM

yvanleterrible · 10-31-2010, 06:09 PM

Lycoming · 11-01-2010, 07:45 AM

There's a remote that controls women? That is a must have. Are they made by Apple?

Stitchawl · 11-01-2010, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

There's a remote that controls women? That is a must have. Are they made by Apple?

Of course there is!

Use it wisely.

Stitchawl

PeteS · 11-01-2010, 01:01 PM

Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f**k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

Falcao · 11-01-2010, 03:10 PM

kennyc · 11-01-2010, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Of course there is!

Use it wisely.

Stitchawl

Wonderful!

pilotbob · 11-01-2010, 06:30 PM

I was wondering why I would want a "forget about breasts" button... took me a while to ferret that out.

BOb

Stitchawl · 11-01-2010, 07:59 PM

Stitchawl

yvanleterrible · 11-01-2010, 08:34 PM

You mean person! I'm in a waiting room and I just burst out laughing with everyone watching over...

lene1949 · 11-01-2010, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Stitchawl

lene1949 · 11-01-2010, 09:44 PM

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a
conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

lene1949 · 11-01-2010, 09:47 PM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on..
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

10-31-2010, 03:21 PM	#1937
PeteS Enthusiast Posts: 31 Karma: 540 Join Date: Dec 2009 Device: PRS-300	Elderly married couple Hope this is an original - started to read but as thread is 130 pages decided to take a chance. After 40 years of marriage an elderly couple were lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck the began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck and slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just above her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand over her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, the suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful, why did you stop?" He said, "I found the remote"

11-01-2010, 01:01 PM	#1942
PeteS Enthusiast Posts: 31 Karma: 540 Join Date: Dec 2009 Device: PRS-300	Thought this one might restore your faith in humanity Dear Lions Bay School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*k off. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity. God bless you all. Sincerely, Edna Last edited by Alexander Turcic; 11-19-2010 at 02:54 PM.*

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10-31-2010, 03:25 PM	#1938
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,909 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire

10-31-2010, 06:09 PM	#1939
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air

11-01-2010, 07:45 AM	#1940
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	There's a remote that controls women? That is a must have. Are they made by Apple?

11-01-2010, 03:10 PM	#1943
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650

11-01-2010, 06:30 PM	#1945
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	I was wondering why I would want a "forget about breasts" button... took me a while to ferret that out. BOb

11-01-2010, 07:59 PM	#1946
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl

11-01-2010, 08:34 PM	#1947
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	You mean person! I'm in a waiting room and I just burst out laughing with everyone watching over...

11-01-2010, 09:44 PM	#1949
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.' The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?' Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

11-01-2010, 09:47 PM	#1950
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. I love the next one!!! 7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!