Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 127

kennyc · 10-19-2010, 06:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'

It might even be funnier to some if it went... "Richard Dawkins was walking through the woods.... "

Lycoming · 10-19-2010, 09:25 AM

If you all want to continue the spiritual theme........

Do you really know your theology?

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
*
*
*
The 1st was Jesus..
*
*
*
The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.
*
*
*
Then there was this Spanish guy, Alfredo...
*
*
*

Nexutix · 10-19-2010, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

If you all want to continue the spiritual theme........

Do you really know your theology?

Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?
*
*
*
The 1st was Jesus..
*
*
*
The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.
*
*
*
Then there was this Spanish guy, Alfredo...
*
*
*

Laugh Out Loud!

lene1949 · 10-20-2010, 03:07 AM

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down..

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

pilotbob · 10-20-2010, 11:58 AM

"Family pack" is never a size I considered being on a box of condoms.

BOb

kennyc · 10-20-2010, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

"Family pack" is never a size I considered being on a box of condoms.

BOb

Me either.

wodin · 10-20-2010, 02:43 PM

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, and the propaganda wars between the Soviets and the USA were raging, the Soviets sent an order to the Trojan® Condom Company asking for a thousand cases of condoms that were 4" in diameter and 18" long.

Trojan® obliged them by sending a thousand cases of condoms, four inches in diameter and eighteen inches long labeled “MEDIUM”.

Falcao · 10-20-2010, 04:31 PM

Stitchawl · 10-21-2010, 12:11 AM

*A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth
to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on
the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and
goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.*

Stitchawl

kennyc · 10-21-2010, 06:59 AM

Just goes to show you. Don't mess with old people.

Fat Abe · 10-21-2010, 09:35 PM

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you fu****g retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Lycoming · 10-23-2010, 11:10 AM

Jim is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more
try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Jim..

"I don't remember...

Falcao · 10-23-2010, 11:59 AM

SameOldStory · 10-23-2010, 05:17 PM

A man and a woman who had never met before found that they had been assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train trip.

They were uneasy because they were away from home and without their spouses But they decided that they could be adult about it. After all, there were no other rooms on the train and they were both exhausted.

About 11pm the man asks the woman if she could pass him another blanket.

“I have a better idea,” she said. “Why don’t we pretend to be married to each other?”

“Wow! That’s a great idea,” he said.

Good!” she replied. “Why don’t you get the damned blanket yourself!”

After a loud belch and a long fart he turned back over and went to sleep.

lene1949 · 10-24-2010, 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

A man and a woman who had never met before found that they had been assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train trip.

They were uneasy because they were away from home and without their spouses But they decided that they could be adult about it. After all, there were no other rooms on the train and they were both exhausted.

About 11pm the man asks the woman if she could pass him another blanket.

“I have a better idea,” she said. “Why don’t we pretend to be married to each other?”

“Wow! That’s a great idea,” he said.

Good!” she replied. “Why don’t you get the damned blanket yourself!”

After a loud belch and a long fart he turned back over and went to sleep.

I liked that one...

10-21-2010, 09:35 PM	#1901
Fat Abe Man Who Stares at Books Posts: 1,826 Karma: 10606722 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: 50th State, USA. Also, PA, NY, CA, and elsewhere. Device: All of the Above	Men just don't get it A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror . On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you fu****g retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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10-19-2010, 09:25 AM	#1892
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	If you all want to continue the spiritual theme........ Do you really know your theology? Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water? * * * The 1st was Jesus.. * * * The 2nd was the apostle, Peter. * * * Then there was this Spanish guy, Alfredo... * * *

10-20-2010, 03:07 AM	#1894
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	FIRST TIME SEX A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.. 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

10-20-2010, 11:58 AM	#1895
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	"Family pack" is never a size I considered being on a box of condoms. BOb

10-20-2010, 02:43 PM	#1897
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Back in the days of the Soviet Union, and the propaganda wars between the Soviets and the USA were raging, the Soviets sent an order to the Trojan® Condom Company asking for a thousand cases of condoms that were 4" in diameter and 18" long. Trojan® obliged them by sending a thousand cases of condoms, four inches in diameter and eighteen inches long labeled “MEDIUM”.

10-20-2010, 04:31 PM	#1898
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650

10-21-2010, 12:11 AM	#1899
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500,' he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. Stitchawl

10-21-2010, 06:59 AM	#1900
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,910 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Just goes to show you. Don't mess with old people.

10-23-2010, 11:10 AM	#1902
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Jim is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more try." "That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect". So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" says Jim.. "I don't remember...

10-23-2010, 11:59 AM	#1903
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650

10-23-2010, 05:17 PM	#1904
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	A man and a woman who had never met before found that they had been assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train trip. They were uneasy because they were away from home and without their spouses But they decided that they could be adult about it. After all, there were no other rooms on the train and they were both exhausted. About 11pm the man asks the woman if she could pass him another blanket. “I have a better idea,” she said. “Why don’t we pretend to be married to each other?” “Wow! That’s a great idea,” he said. Good!” she replied. “Why don’t you get the damned blanket yourself!” After a loud belch and a long fart he turned back over and went to sleep.