Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 126

pdurrant · 10-16-2010, 03:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Falcao

Surely "No! Blow, don't suck!"

montsnmags · 10-16-2010, 04:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Surely "No! Blow, don't suck!"

Poor Slite. If he was here, you'd have just sent him into utter apoplexy.

lene1949 · 10-16-2010, 04:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Surely "No! Blow, don't suck!"

SameOldStory · 10-16-2010, 09:32 AM

How I want to die.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

Falcao · 10-16-2010, 03:12 PM

BenG · 10-16-2010, 07:24 PM

Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Not only did Quasimodo live in the Cathedral Notre Dame, he was responsible for ringing the big tower bell on the hour. Clearly, he had a special technique, because no one else could produce bell tones so pure, so beautiful as could Quasimodo. This unique skill provided job security for over forty years.

By the end of this time, the City Fathers of Paris became worried about Quasimodo’s advancing age and they became even more worried about doing without the wonderful sound from Quasimodo’s bell. Pressure was exerted, and Quasimodo was induced to take on an apprentice and teach him everything he knew.

With his misshapen head and face smiling down on his new apprentice, Quasimodo said that there was a very special technique he used to produce his bell tones. Mostly, it was a matter of timing and he should watch carefully. The two went up into the bell tower, and upon the hour, Quasimodo pulled the rope that moved the giant bell hanging from the ceiling. Then, with perfect timing, Quasimodo thrust his head between the bell clapper and the side of the bell. Modulated by his head between the clapper and bell, the note was very beautiful. That was Quasimodo’s secret.

Having heard the marvelous effect, the apprentice felt that he was ready to try to ring the bell on the next hour. Quasimodo was skeptical, but reluctantly agreed to the trial. Exactly on the hour, the apprentice gave a great pull on the bell rope, then jumped to place his head between clapper and bell. He almost got it right, but his head was turned ninety degrees in the wrong direction and the clapper hit him squarely in the face.

It killed him, of course. But, the bell did sound a note. Not only did the bell ring true, but the sound was beautiful. Not only was it beautiful, it was exquisite. Time stood still for a moment. People all over Paris stopped what they were doing, awed by the sound coming from the Cathedral. Quasimodo was good, but never before had such a magnificent sound graced their ears.

The EMS people were called to treat the poor fellow, but it was too late. They could only haul the body away in the ambulance. “Who is this guy?” asked one of the ambulance attendants.

“I don’t know his name,” said the other, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

SameOldStory · 10-16-2010, 08:15 PM

Boooo! Hisss!

Good one.

BenG · 10-16-2010, 10:39 PM

Then the ambulance drivers delivered the body to the morgue. One of the attendants asked, “Who is this guy?”

The other answered, “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo.”

SameOldStory · 10-17-2010, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

Boooo! Hisss!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

Boooo! Hisss!

Lycoming · 10-18-2010, 09:45 AM

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'

MJK2111 · 10-18-2010, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BenG

Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Not only did Quasimodo live in the Cathedral Notre Dame...

...City Fathers of Paris

When did they leave Indiana for France?

LCF · 10-18-2010, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJK2111

When did they leave Indiana for France?

LCF · 10-18-2010, 05:40 PM

Thanks, WDE!

lene1949 · 10-18-2010, 10:48 PM

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'

Under the Covers · 10-19-2010, 05:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
. . . And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'

I truly did not anticipate that punchline. Good one!

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10-16-2010, 09:32 AM	#1879
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	How I want to die. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

10-16-2010, 03:12 PM	#1880
Falcao Banned Posts: 1,344 Karma: 1028477047 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Nueva Andalucía Device: Sony PRS 650

10-16-2010, 07:24 PM	#1881
BenG Home Guard Posts: 4,730 Karma: 86721650 Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Alpha Ralpha Boulevard Device: Kindle Oasis 3G, iPhone 6	Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only did Quasimodo live in the Cathedral Notre Dame, he was responsible for ringing the big tower bell on the hour. Clearly, he had a special technique, because no one else could produce bell tones so pure, so beautiful as could Quasimodo. This unique skill provided job security for over forty years. By the end of this time, the City Fathers of Paris became worried about Quasimodo’s advancing age and they became even more worried about doing without the wonderful sound from Quasimodo’s bell. Pressure was exerted, and Quasimodo was induced to take on an apprentice and teach him everything he knew. With his misshapen head and face smiling down on his new apprentice, Quasimodo said that there was a very special technique he used to produce his bell tones. Mostly, it was a matter of timing and he should watch carefully. The two went up into the bell tower, and upon the hour, Quasimodo pulled the rope that moved the giant bell hanging from the ceiling. Then, with perfect timing, Quasimodo thrust his head between the bell clapper and the side of the bell. Modulated by his head between the clapper and bell, the note was very beautiful. That was Quasimodo’s secret. Having heard the marvelous effect, the apprentice felt that he was ready to try to ring the bell on the next hour. Quasimodo was skeptical, but reluctantly agreed to the trial. Exactly on the hour, the apprentice gave a great pull on the bell rope, then jumped to place his head between clapper and bell. He almost got it right, but his head was turned ninety degrees in the wrong direction and the clapper hit him squarely in the face. It killed him, of course. But, the bell did sound a note. Not only did the bell ring true, but the sound was beautiful. Not only was it beautiful, it was exquisite. Time stood still for a moment. People all over Paris stopped what they were doing, awed by the sound coming from the Cathedral. Quasimodo was good, but never before had such a magnificent sound graced their ears. The EMS people were called to treat the poor fellow, but it was too late. They could only haul the body away in the ambulance. “Who is this guy?” asked one of the ambulance attendants. “I don’t know his name,” said the other, “but his face sure rings a bell.”

10-16-2010, 08:15 PM	#1882
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Boooo! Hisss! Good one.

10-16-2010, 10:39 PM	#1883
BenG Home Guard Posts: 4,730 Karma: 86721650 Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Alpha Ralpha Boulevard Device: Kindle Oasis 3G, iPhone 6	Then the ambulance drivers delivered the body to the morgue. One of the attendants asked, “Who is this guy?” The other answered, “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for Quasimodo.”

10-18-2010, 09:45 AM	#1885
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: 'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN' Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: 'RETURNED UNOPENED'

10-18-2010, 05:40 PM	#1888
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	Thanks, WDE!

10-18-2010, 10:48 PM	#1889
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: 'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'