Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 114

SameOldStory · 09-10-2010, 03:48 PM

THE AXE EFFECT.......
Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe.
New Delhi

In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating' and causing him ‘mental suffering'. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he's been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

MORE ....

SameOldStory · 09-10-2010, 03:54 PM

10 Innovative Ways to Propose your Loved Ones

1. Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back
"You're under arrest!"
For what?
"For stealing my heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. are your legs tired?
girl: Why?
because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes

6. Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc.
She would say,"What are doing"
resond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

7. Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"

10. GEE I FEEL LIKE RICHARD GERE STANDING BESIDE YOU ........... PRETTY WOMEN

SameOldStory · 09-10-2010, 05:00 PM

Who needs a new avatar?

Luke King · 09-14-2010, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

10 Innovative Ways to Propose your Loved Ones

1. Walk up behind girl and . . .

In the interests of being politically correct, I might add a gay pick-up line:

Can I push a stool in for you?

WT Sharpe · 09-16-2010, 05:45 PM

She told him she leaving to become a prostitute because she found out she could get $300 for what she was giving him for free.

He wondered what made her think she could live on $600 a year.

Lycoming · 09-19-2010, 11:05 AM

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

kennyc · 09-19-2010, 11:23 AM

Ha!

WT Sharpe · 09-19-2010, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake

You always come up with the funniest jokes!

SameOldStory · 09-19-2010, 11:55 AM

One Sunday morning, Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who is he going to tell?”

pdurrant · 09-19-2010, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madam Broshkina

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

I was going to post this one, but searched first and found that Madam Broshkina had beaten me to it. By the great Emo Philips http://www.emophilips.com/

So I'll give another one of his:

Quote:

I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

You know.... they always have a sign at the beach "No Glass Bottles". You ever see that? I guess that's so all the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.

Lycoming · 09-19-2010, 01:35 PM

A Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Lycoming · 09-19-2010, 01:45 PM

Important

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

WT Sharpe · 09-19-2010, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madam Broshkina

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

I remember and old Wizard of Id strip where a peasant passes by a priest and sneezes. The priest said, "God bless you." The peasant answered, "I'm an atheist." The priest then replied, "So watch where you're sneezing, blowhard!"

lene1949 · 09-20-2010, 05:09 AM

Probably a repeat, but I love it:

> Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of
> their lives.
>
> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every
> day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we
> played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one
> favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's
> rugby there."
>
> Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been
> my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this
> favour for you.
>
> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
>
> At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from
> a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out
> to him, "Mike--Mike."
>
> "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
> "Mike--it's me, Joe."
>
> "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
>
> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
>
> "Joe! Where are you?"
>
> "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and
> a little bad news."
>
> "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
>
> "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven.
> Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
> Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always
> spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play
> rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
>
> That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest
> dreams! So what's the bad news?
>
>
> "You're in the team for this Saturday."

lene1949 · 09-20-2010, 05:11 AM

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

09-10-2010, 03:48 PM	#1696
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Sometimes the best joke is real. THE AXE EFFECT....... Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe. New Delhi In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating' and causing him ‘mental suffering'. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he's been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women. Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products. MORE ....

09-10-2010, 03:54 PM	#1697
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	More from the same source. 10 Innovative Ways to Propose your Loved Ones 1. Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back "You're under arrest!" For what? "For stealing my heart." 2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one? 3. are your legs tired? girl: Why? because you have been running through my mind all day! 4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?" 5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes 6. Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket, etc. She would say,"What are doing" resond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven." 7. Pick up a flower and walk over to girl. "I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are." 8. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 9. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?" "No" he answers. "Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece" 10. GEE I FEEL LIKE RICHARD GERE STANDING BESIDE YOU ........... PRETTY WOMEN

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09-10-2010, 05:00 PM	#1698
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	Who needs a new avatar?

09-16-2010, 05:45 PM	#1700
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	She told him she leaving to become a prostitute because she found out she could get $300 for what she was giving him for free. He wondered what made her think she could live on $600 a year.

09-19-2010, 11:05 AM	#1701
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

09-19-2010, 11:23 AM	#1702
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,917 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Ha!

09-19-2010, 11:55 AM	#1704
SameOldStory My True Self Posts: 3,126 Karma: 66242098 Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Trantor, Galactic Center Device: Galaxy Tab 2 7.0	One Sunday morning, Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who is he going to tell?”

09-19-2010, 01:35 PM	#1706
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A Blonde Finally Wins A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

09-19-2010, 01:45 PM	#1707
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Important 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

09-20-2010, 05:09 AM	#1709
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Probably a repeat, but I love it: > Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of > their lives. > > When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every > day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we > played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one > favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's > rugby there." > > Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been > my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this > favour for you. > > Shortly after that, Joe passes on. > > At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from > a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out > to him, "Mike--Mike." > > "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" > > "Mike--it's me, Joe." > > "You're not Joe. Joe just died." > > "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." > > "Joe! Where are you?" > > "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and > a little bad news." > > "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. > > "The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. > Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. > Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always > spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play > rugby all we want, and we never get tired." > > That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest > dreams! So what's the bad news? > > > "You're in the team for this Saturday."

09-20-2010, 05:11 AM	#1710
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked. 'No, I don't,' she replied. 'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile. 'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 'What's so funny?' he asked. 'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)