Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 113

badgoodDeb · 09-07-2010, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Gotta love those Texas Gals!

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy_terd

.....
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer left leg in. You butch yer left leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about"

I was *so* expecting the photographer to BE dinner that night.

Lycoming · 09-08-2010, 03:45 PM

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

Lycoming · 09-08-2010, 04:11 PM

Bonus Question Chemistry mid-term paper: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God!'

badgoodDeb · 09-08-2010, 04:58 PM

That's the first time I heard *THAT* last paragraph! Previous renditions said "Since Teresa didn't sleep with me ....."

phenomshel · 09-08-2010, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Bonus Question Chemistry mid-term paper: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God!'

Love this one, always makes me laugh.

Deb, this is the only way I've heard this one... there's a different version where Teresa didn't sleep with him?

badgoodDeb · 09-08-2010, 05:49 PM

last paragraph I heard goes:

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

Bilbo1967 · 09-08-2010, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

last paragraph I heard goes:

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

Yes, that's the only version I'd seen before.

Personally, I think it's better, although I'd struggle to articulate why.

badgoodDeb · 09-08-2010, 05:55 PM

Because the gal is unlikely to change her mind, after expressing her opinion that strongly!

badgoodDeb · 09-08-2010, 05:57 PM

Besides ... if you look at the last paragraph, he concludes that hell is exothermic -- which only matches with "hell has not frozen over yet, cuz she didn't sleep with me". The longer version forgot to change the answer to "endothermic".

Greg Anos · 09-08-2010, 07:00 PM

Then Red will get to have cold Pearl after he dies....

pdurrant · 09-09-2010, 03:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Besides ... if you look at the last paragraph, he concludes that hell is exothermic -- which only matches with "hell has not frozen over yet, cuz she didn't sleep with me". The longer version forgot to change the answer to "endothermic".

I'm afraid you have endothermic and exothermic the wrong way around.

Exothermic means something that gives off heat. If Hell is exothermic, that means it is giving off heat and getting colder.

The confusion probably arises because the words are usually used to describe chemical reactions — an exothermic reaction generates heat energy and so the reactants get hotter, spreading heat to the surroundings, while an endothermic reaction requires extra energy to proceed so the reactants cool, drawing in thermal energy from the surroundings.

Lycoming · 09-09-2010, 07:42 AM

Q? Does that mean they did rudies?

I still like my ending.

pdurrant · 09-09-2010, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Q? Does that mean they did rudies?

I still like my ending.

Yes. It only really makes sense if they did.

"It will be A before B" only implies A when B has occurred. If B has not occurred, nothing can be inferred about whether A has occurred or not.

Lycoming · 09-09-2010, 02:10 PM

For those of a less pedagogical bent.... I reckon he gave her one.

Although if B was .............

Nah, she couldn't give him one, unless she was a he then he would have been surprised by her being him which invokes all manner of disturbing images.

Fat Abe · 09-10-2010, 01:29 AM

A college employment ad read:

Secretary wanted for illustrious physics professor. Must be familiar with string theory and the effect of gamma rays on Bikini Atoll. Office 2010 skills desirable.

A blonde walks into Professor Irwin Corey's office.

"It's a bit warm in here sir, do you mind if I get comfortable?"

"Why, of course, my dear. Please relax and show me your skills," said the shy academician.

Over the next three minutes, the young lady unbuttons her blouse, dancing around Corey with the moves of Salome. She has the professor untie her string bikini, and finally her g-string. Mesmerized, the professor asked the cute blonde if she had read the employment ad. "Sir, you wanted someone who could take her bikini off. All off." Realizing that the woman's dyslexia caused her transpose Atoll to "at all" and then "it all", followed by the logical "off" word, the professor winked at her in sympathy. "Well, at least you're good at the string query part. How soon can you start as my private secretary?"

09-08-2010, 04:11 PM	#1683
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Bonus Question Chemistry mid-term paper: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God!' Last edited by Lycoming; 09-08-2010 at 04:14 PM.

09-10-2010, 01:29 AM	#1695
Fat Abe Man Who Stares at Books Posts: 1,826 Karma: 10606722 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: 50th State, USA. Also, PA, NY, CA, and elsewhere. Device: All of the Above	The Blonde and the Physics Professor A college employment ad read: Secretary wanted for illustrious physics professor. Must be familiar with string theory and the effect of gamma rays on Bikini Atoll. Office 2010 skills desirable. A blonde walks into Professor Irwin Corey's office. "It's a bit warm in here sir, do you mind if I get comfortable?" "Why, of course, my dear. Please relax and show me your skills," said the shy academician. Over the next three minutes, the young lady unbuttons her blouse, dancing around Corey with the moves of Salome. She has the professor untie her string bikini, and finally her g-string. Mesmerized, the professor asked the cute blonde if she had read the employment ad. "Sir, you wanted someone who could take her bikini off. All off." Realizing that the woman's dyslexia caused her transpose Atoll to "at all" and then "it all", followed by the logical "off" word, the professor winked at her in sympathy. "Well, at least you're good at the string query part. How soon can you start as my private secretary?"

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09-08-2010, 03:45 PM	#1682
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. Employer's response:...... Dear Peggy May, It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

09-08-2010, 04:58 PM	#1684
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,553 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	That's the first time I heard THAT last paragraph! Previous renditions said "Since Teresa didn't sleep with me ....."

09-08-2010, 05:49 PM	#1686
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,553 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	last paragraph I heard goes: So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

09-08-2010, 05:55 PM	#1688
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,553 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Because the gal is unlikely to change her mind, after expressing her opinion that strongly!

09-08-2010, 05:57 PM	#1689
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,553 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Besides ... if you look at the last paragraph, he concludes that hell is exothermic -- which only matches with "hell has not frozen over yet, cuz she didn't sleep with me". The longer version forgot to change the answer to "endothermic".

09-08-2010, 07:00 PM	#1690
Greg Anos Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,531 Karma: 37057604 Join Date: Jan 2008 Device: Pocketbook	Then Red will get to have cold Pearl after he dies....

09-09-2010, 07:42 AM	#1692
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Q? Does that mean they did rudies? I still like my ending.

09-09-2010, 02:10 PM	#1694
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	For those of a less pedagogical bent.... I reckon he gave her one. Although if B was ............. Nah, she couldn't give him one, unless she was a he then he would have been surprised by her being him which invokes all manner of disturbing images.