Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[pdurrant]

Originally Posted by junkml

Sent this to my folks (who lived in Alaska for a while). They wanted to know if this meant the baby was born the next night!

It seems to me the baby would be born around mid-day.

[kennyc]

[Javed]

Originally Posted by junkml

Sent this to my folks (who lived in Alaska for a while). They wanted to know if this meant the baby was born the next night!

I think pdurrant is correct; about noon the next "day."

Originally Posted by kennyc

The World according to Steve Jobs.

[kennyc]

Originally Posted by Javed

...
The World according to Steve Jobs.

[Lycoming]

The World according to Steve Jobs.
[/QUOTE]



To quote Gomer from Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam, "Oh you're going straight to hell for that one."

Apples are shiny, 'nuff said.

[rebarnmom]

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Not quite - I'm running for my life (and limbs, err wings) in several threads! Post a pizza joke for crying out loud!

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

Just for you.

Why did the chicken RUN across the street.

Spoiler:

I love the movie "Chicken Run". I might have to launch that one to the top of my viewing queue!

[Lycoming]

A Minnesotan tale.......



All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to
walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink. So when Ole' s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st
birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and
his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your Father,
grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."





One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became

Aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her

Back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,

He proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over

Her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He

Continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing

Then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to

Do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to

Better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote!

[SameOldStory]

Bubba went to the family doctor.

He said, "Doc, me an my sister just gota stop havin children. But you know we ain't got much money to pay ya. Do you know of a way to stop it from happenin agin?"

The old doctor left the room for a few minutes. When he came back in he gave Bubba a very large firecracker.

"Now, Bubba, I want you to take this home with you. Tonight I want you to light the fuse and count to 10 before you throw it away."

Well, Bubba told the doc that it wouldn't work, but the doc said that it would so Bubba took it home with him.

That night Bubba, feeling silly, lit the fuse and started counting.

"One, two, three, four, five." Bubba had to put the large firecracker between his legs so he could keep counting. "Six, seven, ....

[happy_terd]

Butcher Dance
A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy’s a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What’s that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I’ve never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles ‘til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days ‘til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day ‘til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days ‘til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man’s head. >From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he’s recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.

You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not ‘til next year." "Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don’t tell me I’m too late!"

The chief recognises him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What’s he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer left leg in. You butch yer left leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about"

[Lycoming]

You bassa! For those across the pond you need to watch Croc Dundee and understand the Aboriginal accent.

[Luke King]

A man stops at the petrol station to fill up his car. He spills petrol all over his arm. He goes inside and pays, and then, as he's driving away, he lights a cigarette.

Stupidly, he sets his arm on fire. He waves it out of the window, trying to get the flames out.

The police pull him over.

They charge him with brandishing a fire-arm.

[Lycoming]

My hound is deep in the do-do at present but I can't help smiling at these.

[LCF]

.....

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[Lycoming]

Black humour, necessary at times.


I've just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for his birthday. He's going to have a fit when he sees it.

[Lycoming]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."