Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 104

Lycoming · 08-18-2010, 01:53 PM

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

kennyc · 08-19-2010, 08:36 PM

THE PIANO TUNER

A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.

Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.

To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."

"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."

"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

kennyc · 08-19-2010, 08:37 PM

THE CONTEST

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

kennyc · 08-19-2010, 09:16 PM

Okay okay, I give...one more:

YOU CAN"T HAVE ...

An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters.

This only goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

roger the rabbit · 08-20-2010, 05:02 AM

GROAN,

3 Times

pshrynk · 08-20-2010, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

THE CONTEST

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sorry folks, I'm going to have to kill Kenny, now.

I know, I'm a bastard.

roger the rabbit · 08-20-2010, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Sorry folks, I'm going to have to kill Kenny, now.

I know, I'm a bastard.

Join the queue!!

kennyc · 08-20-2010, 07:14 AM

My life for a pun....Even trade....hey wait, here's one more before I go...

THE CHOICE

An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.

The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:

"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."

The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.

The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.

The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.

Ben Thornton · 08-20-2010, 07:44 AM

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
At a jungle sale

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights

kennyc · 08-20-2010, 07:46 AM

Flood Lights!!!!

Ben Thornton · 08-20-2010, 07:49 AM

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One's used for cunning stunts, and the other is used for apprehending criminals!

Lycoming · 08-20-2010, 01:35 PM

Pun at you Sir, en-garde!

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

If an actress has a screaming role, can we say she eeks out a living?

kennyc · 08-20-2010, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One's used for cunning stunts, and the other is used for apprehending criminals!

LCF · 08-20-2010, 02:38 PM

There are some jokes, so stupid - it's actually funny.
And then there are others.

Lycoming · 08-20-2010, 03:30 PM

Just to get back to where we used to be.......

Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?

A: Space. The final frontier..........

It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

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08-18-2010, 01:53 PM	#1546
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"

08-19-2010, 08:36 PM	#1547
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	THE PIANO TUNER A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived. So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano. Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased. After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again. To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job." "Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano." "Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

08-19-2010, 08:37 PM	#1548
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	THE CONTEST There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

08-19-2010, 09:16 PM	#1549
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Okay okay, I give...one more: YOU CAN"T HAVE ... An Eskimo got so cold while paddling his kayak that he built a fire to warm himself up. Naturally, the kayak sank, and he had to swim to shore in the icy waters. This only goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

08-20-2010, 05:02 AM	#1550
roger the rabbit Addict Posts: 316 Karma: 10215 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Wherever I lay my hat! Device: Sony PRS-T3, 650 Black, 505, Kobo Glo HD Aura ONE	GROAN, 3 Times

08-20-2010, 07:14 AM	#1553
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	My life for a pun....Even trade....hey wait, here's one more before I go... THE CHOICE An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king. The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city: "By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead." The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time. The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun. The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.

08-20-2010, 07:44 AM	#1554
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	Where does Tarzan buy his clothes? At a jungle sale What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Flood lights

08-20-2010, 07:46 AM	#1555
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Flood Lights!!!!

08-20-2010, 07:49 AM	#1556
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon? One's used for cunning stunts, and the other is used for apprehending criminals!

08-20-2010, 01:35 PM	#1557
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Pun at you Sir, en-garde! A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. If an actress has a screaming role, can we say she eeks out a living?

08-20-2010, 02:38 PM	#1559
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	There are some jokes, so stupid - it's actually funny. And then there are others.

08-20-2010, 03:30 PM	#1560
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Just to get back to where we used to be....... Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier.......... It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.