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Old 08-09-2018, 07:57 AM   #10171
Adoby
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Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:30 AM   #10172
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Is that a sandwich?
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Old 08-10-2018, 06:14 AM   #10173
drjd
The Couch Potato
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Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
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Old 08-10-2018, 10:28 AM   #10174
orlok
Close to the Edit!
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Old 08-11-2018, 07:05 AM   #10175
drjd
The Couch Potato
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It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.

"And what does your Daddy do?"

"He's a magician."

"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"

"He can saw people in half."

"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."
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Old 08-12-2018, 10:23 PM   #10176
PeterT
Grand Sorcerer
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What did jay-z call his girlfriend before they were married?
Spoiler:

Fèyonce
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Old 08-13-2018, 05:56 AM   #10177
Adoby
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Little Tommy had problems with numbers and adding. But when he was allowed to count on his fingers, and not just in the head, it usually went fine.

But the teacher had started telling Tommy to put his hands in his pockets before giving Tommy a problem to solve. Tommy was smart, so after the first time he took some scissors and cut away the insides of the pockets on his trousers.

Teacher: "Tommy, put your hands in your pockets! Now, what is five plus five?"

(pause)

Tommy: "Eleven!"
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Old 08-13-2018, 06:36 AM   #10178
drjd
The Couch Potato
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Did you hear about the doctor who was going from full time to part time? He was either losing his patients or getting a bit out of practice.
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Old 08-13-2018, 11:01 AM   #10179
Adoby
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At the butchers:

- How can you sell meat this cheap?

- We cut down the staff.
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Old 08-15-2018, 06:28 AM   #10180
drjd
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Never take a nail to a bar. They tend to get hammered.
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Old 08-15-2018, 07:06 AM   #10181
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drjd View Post
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
...It chewed itself to bits...
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Old 08-19-2018, 10:34 AM   #10182
drjd
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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Old 08-20-2018, 06:32 AM   #10183
Bilbo1967
Not scared!
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I just read the best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (as voted for by the public).

The number one was;

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. - Adam Rowe

The rest of the top ten were;

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx
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Old 08-21-2018, 01:56 PM   #10184
drjd
The Couch Potato
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He got arrested at the Farmers Market for disturbing the peas.
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Old 08-23-2018, 07:38 AM   #10185
drjd
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."
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