In total, I hope the final product from these four chapters to be around 18,000 words. Hopefully it'll be enough to make a decent hook and lead in for the rest of the story. Too dark? Not strong enough? What do you guys think?
Spoiler:
1:1- Pan down from the sky to a small neighborhood inside of Rolle. Smoldering buildings blacken the sky as we see the ruins of the civil war. Enter Basil Thime resting under the shade of a live oak. He's busily scratching in his notepad until a disturbance catches his attention. He puts his book down and moves closer to hear the argument.
1:2- We see the White Cloaks for the first time. There are three of them. They march in wearing full war gear and raise hell at the food line, where people had been waiting to get their rations for the week. The White Cloaks push their way to the front of the line and get stopped halfway there but a ballsy settler. They square up as a shot rangs out. Basil runs for cover, the cloaked men flee.
1:3-Gunshots create chaos and disorder. The law shows up to try to muscle the city back into calm and orderly. It does not work. Two cops shove their way through the crowd and start taking the rations. Military shows up and declares martial law. Those that stay and fight die. The rest fall into subservience. Order is restored. Basil checks his watch and gets in the back of the line.
2:1- A soldier walks up to the line and notices Basil, pulling him out of the line. He walks Basil back towards the command tent, telling him how great a man Basil's father was. The soldier gives him extra rations from the command center and sends Basil on his way. A hungry peasant follows. Basil makes it halfway home when the man attacks, beating Basil and stealing all the food. Basil limps home empty handed.
2:2- Back at home, Basil's father expects the rations. When none come, he yells at Basil, who tries feebly to explain what happened. His father shrugs it off, dismissing him as weak and useless. There is an argument, Basil runs away, tears streaming from his eyes. He ends up back at the table, where the poor and war widows now scramble for table scraps. Basil talks with a veteran who knew his father.
2:3 - Set piece. The man served with Basil's father and tells him terrible things that happened. The walk takes them past some more ruins and Gallows Square, where a thief is still twitching. Basil notices the man has the mark of the traitor tattooed on his skin. An officer walks past and accuses the cripple of theft. Without a bribe, he is hauled off to prison. Basil is challenged again.
3:1 - Back home, he does not speak to his father, instead going right into his workshop. He plays with his clockwork machines and gets one to actually work. Satisified that he finally has had some success, he takes the miniature man on a test run through the town. His first stop is back to the square, where the robot steals some food from a bread shop. He bings it back to the war widows.
3:2 - A shadow approaches as the crowd gathers. A voice booms out and they all run to hiding. It's the White Cloaks again. They taunt Jake and steal his robot, breaking the machine on the cobblestone streets. They're not happy. Jake gets a beating. He throws two weak punches that are deflected and result in himi getting hit even harder. They threaten to kill him if he is caught helping these people again.
3:3 - The military shows up to clean up the mess. Jake is bruised, but not too badly hurt. They question him. We learn a bit of the history and the reason for the martial law. Jake agrees to help the military by testifying against the insurgents. He points the way and the military takes off chasing after the White Cloaks. Basil picks up the pieces. He turns his back and someone grabs him from behind.
4:1- He is dragged away into a derelict building on the other end of town. The man that took him is a mercenary for the White Cloaks. He is tied to a chair. There is some talk before the leader shows up. The man wears a full face mask and his identity is hidden, but Basil feels that he met him somewhere before. They threaten to kill Basil if he testifies. They beat him unconscious and leave him there.
4:2 - Basil awakens to the sound of the fire bells. No one is around. He can faintly smell smoke. He cuts the ropes with a broken gear from his back pocket He is able to put the clockwork man back together in a sort of Frankenstein's Monster from parts he finds. The machine kills a few guards before being blown up by another. In the chaos and darkness, Basil breaks free and runs towards home.
4:3 - He arrives just as the White Cloaks show up, burning the town and slaughtering everyone in their path. Basil gets home too late. His house is already burning. His father is bleeding out in the street, still holding his gun. They share a moment. Basil promises to get the men that did this just as the militia shows up, arresting him for murder and insurrection. His dad says "I love you" as he dies.
Act 2 should focus largely on Basil being conscripted into the military and forced aboard their airship, under the command of a grizzled old Sergeant, who just so happens to be an old friend of his father's. This man will end up being the main antagonist and the leader of the White Cloaks. We'll have one or two missions that go really bad, before they finally have the one successful one, where Rosemary is met.
At this point, we'll learn the truth of this group's mission. They're all sleeper cell White Cloaks aiming to get this artifact in the mountains. This weapon will have the power to take down the President and finally take control away from the struggling government. Then it's up to Basil and Rosemary to stop them before all hell breaks loose.
I'm not too keen on the whole Act 3, but I figured it would be a decent enough way to get my uncle's smarts and my aunt's books into the main action. I'm up to suggestions if you have a better way of incorporating it.
Probably shouldn't be posting this out here in the open, but what the heck. This is the entire plot summary of Ashes of the Autumn Oak...
Spoiler:
CHAPTER 01:
Pan down from the sky to a small neighborhood inside of Rolle. Smoldering buildings blacken the sky as we see the ruins of the civil war. Enter Basil Thime resting under the shade of a live oak. He's busily scratching in his notepad until a disturbance catches his attention. He puts his book down and moves closer to hear the argument. We see the White Cloaks for the first time. There are three of them. They march in wearing full war gear and raise hell at the food line, where people had been waiting to get their rations for the week. The White Cloaks push their way to the front of the line and get stopped halfway there but a ballsy settler. They square up as a shot rangs out. Basil runs for cover, the cloaked men flee. Gunshots create chaos and disorder. The law shows up to try to muscle the city back into calm and orderly. It does not work. Two cops shove their way through the crowd and start taking the rations. Military shows up and declares martial law. Those that stay and fight die. The rest fall into subservience. Order is restored. Basil checks his watch and gets in the back of the line.
CHAPTER 02:
A soldier walks up to the line and notices Basil, pulling him out of the line. He walks Basil back towards the command tent, telling him how great a man Basil's father was. The soldier gives him extra rations from the command center and sends Basil on his way. A hungry peasant follows. Basil makes it halfway home when the man attacks, beating Basil and stealing all the food. Basil limps home empty handed. Back at home, his father expects the rations. When none come, he yells at Basil, who tries feebly to explain what happened. His father shrugs it off, dismissing him as weak and useless. There is an argument, Basil runs away, tears streaming from his eyes. He ends up back at the table, where the poor and war widows now scramble for scraps. Basil talks with a woman who knew his father. Set piece. The woman served with Basil's father and tells him terrible things that happened. The walk takes them past some more ruins and Gallows Square, where a thief is still twitching. Basil notices the man has the mark of the traitor tattooed on his skin. Sgt. James McRath walks past and accuses the cripple of theft. Without a bribe, she is hauled off to prison. McRath threatens him.
CHAPTER 03:
Back home, he does not speak to his father, instead going right into his workshop. He plays with his clockwork machines and gets one to actually work. Satisified that he finally has had some success, he takes the miniature man on a test run through the town. His first stop is back to the square, where the robot steals some food from a bread shop. He bings it back to the war widows. A shadow approaches as the crowd gathers. A voice booms out and they all run to hiding. It's the White Cloaks again. They taunt Basil and steal his robot, breaking the machine on the cobblestone streets. They're not happy. Basil gets a beating. He throws two weak punches that are deflected and result in him getting hit even harder. They threaten to kill him if he is caught helping these people again. The military shows up to clean up the mess. Jake is bruised, but not too badly hurt. They question him. We learn a bit of the history and the reason for the martial law. Jake agrees to help the military by testifying against the insurgents. He points the way and the military takes off chasing after the White Cloaks. Basil picks up the pieces. He turns his back and someone grabs him from behind.
CHAPTER 04:
He is dragged away into a derelict building on the other end of town. The man that took him is a mercenary for the White Cloaks. He is tied to a chair. There is some talk before McRath shows up. He wears a full face mask and his identity is hidden, but Basil feels that he met him somewhere before. They threaten to kill Basil if he testifies. They beat him unconscious and leave him there. Basil awakens to the sound of the fire bells. No one is around. He can faintly smell smoke. He cuts the ropes with a broken gear from his back pocket He is able to put the clockwork man back together in a sort of Frankenstein's Monster from parts he finds. The machine kills a few guards before being blown up by another. In the chaos and darkness, Basil breaks free and runs towards home. He arrives just as the White Cloaks show up, burning the town and slaughtering everyone in their path. Basil gets home too late. His house is already burning. His father is bleeding out in the street, still holding his gun. They share a moment. Basil promises to get the men that did this just as the militia shows up, arresting him for murder and insurection. His dad says "I love you" as he dies.
CHAPTER 05:
Basil finds himself in a military prison. He doesn't have time to grieve as the guard arrives and gives him food. He goes to spit on Basil, but then realizes he's John's son. The rest of the scene will focus on a dialog between the two. The guard offers to plea Basil's case and get him a lesser sentence. He doesn't believe that Basil is guilty of the charges. The guard gets called away by Sgt. McRath. Trial scene. Basil pleas his case with the help of the guard. The evidence is discused and he is determined not guilty. The judge closes the court and speaks with Basil man-to-man. He pleas with Basil to help him take down the White Cloaks. Basil agrees to help, but any other discussion is cut short by the White Cloaks storming the courthouse. Basil and the guard narrowly escape with the help of McRath. They avoid the White Cloaks and escape into a tunnel which leads to a small aeroport, where an experimental airship is waiting. The machine takes to the skies. Onboard, McRath welcomes him to the military. He regrets not having time to train him properly. McRath knew Basil's father. He is disappointed in how Basil grew up and the military will fix that. McRath sends him to bunk for the night.
CHAPTER 06:
He can't sleep. The tech is too exciting. He tries to go exploring, gets held back by three guards. He needs to learn to follow orders. Something doesn't sit right with him. Nothing seems right. He's told that he can't leave the bridge or the cabin. Inside the cabin, Basil tinkers with the things in his room and makes a small gun for his own protection. When he's finished, he leaves. Intent on exploring the airship and seeing the technology, Basil leaves his cabin. It's the middle of the night. He manages to sneak past a few guards and finds the engine compartment. There's a couple people tending to the broiler, but they're too busy to notice. Basil ogles the engine for a few before leaving to find the bridge. At the helm is Sarge. He's not amused. There's a fight. Basil kills one. There's blood on his hands, Basil is in shock. Sarge is not amused. Sarge rips the gun out of Basil's hands and beats him. Threatens him with death for killing a military officer. Basil says he was just trying to survive. Sarge laughs, Basil doesn't know the first thing about survival. But he's going to find out real quick. Another officer shows up, they drag him out and throw him overboard.
CHAPTER 07:
Basil grabs a gun out of McRath's waistband as he falls. He takes his shirt off and tries to use it to slow his fall. He hits the treeline and snags it on a branch. He lands with a couple bruised ribs. He's lost in the darkness. Clouds block the stars. He wanders through the woods as the wind picks up and the rain starts to fall. He takes shelter in a rocky outcropping. A wolf howls. Basil checks the pistol, there's just enough explosive in there for one more shot. But he doesn't have anything to fire. The howls get louder, there's at least three in the distance, but they're getting closer. Basil takes the gun apart and lights some of the dried grass. It smokes a lot, but he gets the fire going. He turns away from the fire and catches a flash of movement off to his right. The fire sputters and goes out. Wolves attack. Jake fights for his life, striking out weakly with the pistol. He breaks from the shelter and tries to run away. The wolves follow. He trips in a ditch. There are a couple of rocks scattered around. He drops one into the barrel and pulls the trigger. Headshot. The wolf dies, the others run away. The rain slows and the moon peaks out. A shadow floats overhead.
CHAPTER 08:
Magnesium flashbulbs ignite, the searchlights are on him. The ship isn't floating that far above the treeline. The light catches him, he freezes in his tracks, terrified. A rope ladder drops, two soldiers come down. They're not like Sarge's soldiers. Basil killed one of the Worg's pets. The monster approaches, curious of the lights. It sees the three humans and attacks the three. They board. Colonel introduces himself, walks Basil around the ship. He tells Colonel about the other airship, Colonel is shocked. He leaves to telegraph the President. He tells Basil to make himself at home. Rosemary comes up from the library and introduces herself. There's chemistry. She offers to show him the lab and the library. They go downstairs and Basil is in nerd heaven. An alarm sounds. An airship approaches, it's flying the Jolly Rodger. Cannonshot fires before the crew even has time to parlay. Some of the crew board the ship. Sarge leads the charge. More fighting. A couple of cannon blasts hit the sails. The ship begins to lose altitude. As it falls, the pirates retreat back to their ship. Basil's craft goes down and crashes into the water below.
CHAPTER 09:
The ship crashes into the river and begins to float. They beach it the first chance they get. It requires extensive repairs. Rosemary accompanies an expeditionary force into the woods to find the right lumber for the repairs. They also need to reprovision. Rosemary and two guards go out into the woods. Basil goes too. He's starting to crush on Rosemary. This is the begining of his character change. Something catches Rosemary's eye and she darts off into the woods while the guards are distracted. Basil sees her fleeing form and runs off after her. They end up in a clearing in the woods, there's a waterfall there. Basil has an epiphany while looking at the falling water. He tells Rosemary about his idea, when she shuts him up mid-sentence with a kiss. Basil is stunned. A Worg approaches. Basil pulls out his musket and fires, missing the mark entirely. The thing attacks. Rosemary saves Basil's life. She's more capable than we thought. The sounds of battle bring the soldiers running. The Worg is defeated and the clearing is secured for the crew. Tech makes the harvest easy. As they haul the lumber back, the pirate ship lands, taking them prisoner.
CHAPTER 10:
It's a different crew. They're on a recovery mission for a downed ship, but not Basil's ship. They're working against the clock to recover an experimental tech that was onboard the downed ship. The SOS comes through, but this new officer ignores it. A second one comes a short time later. Basil sends a reply and finally manages to convince the crew to go back and leave no man behind. They drop sail, landing in the river. The crew finds the ship near deserted. They clear the ship and find that the pirates had come back to finish their job, slaughtering just about everyone. The rest of the scene unfolds in a frentic battle between Basil's new crew and Sarge's crew as they fight to save anyone and everyone. In the end, there are no survivors. Tech overwhelms the crew. Half of their force is decimated. Basil is devastated. His character progresses as he's driven to revenge. He manages to kill a couple of the pirates during their escape. He gets a bloodlust and has to be pulled away by Rosemary. The stragglers make it back to the ship and launch their own tech, destroying the pirateship, but the military one is still unscathed. Basil's ship can't fly, so they sail away.
CHAPTER 11:
They sail along the river. The Colonel counts his wounded and survivors. There's not many. Basil is depressed, but it soon turns to anger and bloodlust. He wants revenge. Rosemary comes in to interrupt his mood. She cheers him up. They hug. He tells her his idea for the steam-suit war machine. She loves it and wants to help. They go off to the lab to begin research. The sun sets in the background. Basil blows things up as they experiment. There's major setbacks, he doesn't have the metal, there's no hydrogen. While they are working in the lab, they begin to grow closer together. Lots of dialogue as the characters nurture their relationship. Rosemary proposes a new way of thinking about their problem, they manage to get the turbine working when the chief calls for all hands on deck. A monster attacks.The beast turns out to be something similar to what Basil is dreaming up. It dies easy enough. The real threat is the stronghold in the mountains off shore. As the Kraken dies, it wraps its tentacles around the ship, splitting it in half and dragging it under. They swim to shore under fire from the fort above them. Basil, the Colonel, and Rosemary are the only survivors.
CHAPTER 12:
On land, they can see wreckage of the crashed ship. There is heavy fighting as they make their way towards the fortress. With only three people, it would be impossible to storm the fort by themselves. They need help. Basil has an a-ha moment and postulates creation of his steam-suit from the ship's pieces that are laying around the woods. A siren sounds in the distance, there isn't much time. A copse of trees and a rocky overhang give them some cover. The river isn't as deep as they thought. The rising moon brings low tide with it, pieces of the ship and the Kraken wash ashore. Basil leaves his friends to rest under cover and he ventures out to the wreckage. It's mostly wood, but a couple of the machines and some of the chemicals survived the destruction. Gunshots pierce the silence. Basil runs towards the sound. The Colonel is dead in a pool of blood, a bullet in his head. Rosemary is gone. He can see the vague outline of people fleeing on horseback. The lights in the fortress go dark and there's very little light. Perfect atmosphere for a Worg to attack. It does. Basil kills it, emptying his pistol into its dead body. He turns away, rage in his eyes.
CHAPTER 13:
Everything starts to catch up with Basil. He goes through his emotions as he builds the steam-suit. The suit is powered by a turbine system that feeds water back and forth between two canisters that constantly spin, like a small fan he powers with a boiler and a third tank. He figures he can get about two hours of use out of it before the well runs dry. While building, Basil has a monologue. Weapons are made from fallen pieces of the Kraken. Basil is missing one piece, he goes back to their campsite and finds a small pendant that Rosemary had worn. He fits it to the center chest piece as a focus for a weak laser. He fastens the Kraken's arms together into a gatling gun type weapon. He uses the last of his liquid mercury and the stones laying around as projectiles. More monologue. McRath is standing on the balcony, waiting. They stare each other down. McRath applauds Basil's new toy. There is a small group of soldiers waiting for the command to fire. McRath tries one last time to talk Basil into joining the White Cloaks and the resistance. When that doesn't work, he tells him he killed Basil's father and wished he killed Basil when he had the chance.
CHAPTER 14:
The guards attack, huge battle as Basil tries out all of his new weapons inside the suit. He kills the guards and only sustains superficial damage to his armor. It's pretty much a blood bath. He wipes the guards out with his flamethrower. The first floor catches fire. Basil runs throughout the first floor, trying to find Rosemary before it becomes an inferno. She's not there. He climbs the stairs. There's more resistance up here and a few different steam creatures, they put up more of a fight. Basil's armor starts to sustain heavier damage, his ammunition supply starts to dwindle. She's not on the second floor either. The smoke starts to creep up to the second level and Basil goes to the top floor. The resistance starts to get less intense, the higher he climbs. He clears the fort of humans, but Basil still can't find Rosemary. He searches from room to room. On the top floor, the fire starts to catch up to him. That's when he sees the cages. He breaks the window and drops down as the flames swallow the building whole. Mechanical bats drop from the roof of the fortress and attack him. He can hear Rosemary scream in the distance.
CHAPTER 15:
He rips the bars off the cage, freeing Rosemary. She compliments the suit, asks if he got it from the airship. Dumb looks. She points toward the wreckage, explains that this is the secret tech they had to recover. But it's not all they had on the supply ship. Two more steam bats drop from the sky, they're vicious. A couple of hits and the steamsuit starts to crack and spark. He kills the last of the bats. Outside the fortress is the ruins of a smoldering airship. Basil and Rosemary go inside. This is the ship that her crew had been looking for. But, they're too late. The ship has already been scavenged. There's nothing left. She can't find the tech. As they make their way out, she notices something not right. A glpyh above a door. She walks over and presses it, a hidden door slides open. The room is mostly bare. In a nook is another hidden doorway. She pops it open and another steamsuit is there. It was the tech they had been looking for. This stuff is more adavanced than Basil's crude machine. She tries it on, it's a perfect fit. She helped design the thing. But, there's supposed to be two more. They exit the ship and are confronted by McRath and another, both wearing their own suits.
CHAPTER 16:
Basil and McRath square off. Two warriors in their seperate steam-suits. But, his revenge is not to be had. They skirmish briefly, Basil gets a good shot in, but not good enough to kill. James retreats into the fort. McRath's last shot goes high and wide, on purpose, collapsing the roof. The debris miss Basil, but they bar his way. Basil pushes the stones away and heads into the winding corridor after him. But McRath escapes with a small force. Basil chases after them, but loses them in a winding hallway. He hears the sounds of turbines spinning as the engines come to life. Basil follows the sound to an airport that was built into the side of the cliff. He watches, unable to do anything as McRath and his top officers get into a smaller prototype ship and lift off into the blue skies above. Flash forward two months. Basil and Rosemary return to Rolle. Basil wears a uniform now. They go to visit his father's grave. Basil swears that the fight is not over, and tells his father that he has enlisted into the military. They are going off into combat soon, there's a storm just off in the horizon. The wind picks up and it starts to snow. A couple of snowflakes fall onto his father's grave.
I've been working on this since August 2nd. Today, I finally got my first 500 words down. And then I hit a wall. Maybe the opening isn't coming out the way and I need to go back and redo it all. I think it could be a plotting issue, or a character issue. Probably a character issue. I'm not a fan of Basil's voice or the narrator, at all. They make me want to put a cigarette out on my eyelid....
What do y'all think? Do I keep it and move on, or scrap and go back to the drawing board? It's the first 800 words...so it should hopefully accomplish its goal of asking questions that need to be answered and make you want to know the answers.
Spoiler:
Rising acrid smoke blotted out the waning rays of an autumn sun. A balloon floated off somewhere in the distance, its bright red and blue striping were a sharp contrast to the gray and black of smoldering ruins. Above the sharpened point of the colorful spy craft flew a small flock of geese, whose forms were slowly fading out towards the south lands and eternal summer beyond the hills.
Basil Thime sat below the canopy of an ancient live oak. Deep green leaves spread out far beyond the trunk of the old tree. Shade was hard to come by in Rolle, most of the trees had burned away a long time ago during the cleansing fires set to fix the heathen savages of the southern cross. He leaned against the thick wood, scribbling in a cracked leather notebook, hardly paying attention to the soft breeze that sent tiny flakes of ash his way.
The machines had been dancing in his head for days now. The waning shadows weren’t much of an inspiration, nor were the people milling around the town square. But, it was better than his house. Anything was better than there. It’s hard to work when people don’t understand, can’t get it, and don’t even want to make an effort. Basil was close. So close. He could just about see the gears twisting below the hollow shell of the monster within. One more calculation, maybe a tweak here or there; he would have it by nightfall. He was certain. And then they’d respect him.
The laughing would stop. The talking would quiet, his father would be proud, the thought made him smile. And then maybe he’d save the world. In his own way, he could be a hero. Maybe she’d notice him then.
Who was he kidding? Everything else had gone up in smoke, prototypes and plans, gears and sprockets, they all broke. They always broke. He couldn’t go on like this, his father was already on his last pint of patience. Basil couldn’t keep lying. Sure, he had a job. Yeah, he’d join the service. There was a war to fight. He would have to rise up, be a hero like the old man.
Lies piled on top of lies.
But it made the old man happy. He’d do anything to make him smile.
Ink dried, he shook the pages and stood up from the shade tree. Sun broke from the haze above, casting its amber light down on the browned grass. The drawing was crude, but the image was clear. A man made of metal, weapons at the ready. If he could only get the punch codes right.
But there was logic flawed. The numbers wouldn’t line up, no matter how many times he played the figures through his head. What good’s a machine without the cards to run it? All that left him was a metal thing that belched smoke. Great party entertainment, not much for a weapon of mass destruction.
The crowds began to gather, herding together like sheep, they stood shivering in ratty shawls and tattered blankets. Soot covered the faces of the closest he could see, Basil blinked back his own tears as he watched them streak down the blackened faces of the war widows and their shattered spouses. An old man wheeled past, his chair squeaking an awful sound as the tires rattled along cracked cobblestones.
A young woman walked beside the crippled man, she couldn’t be any older than Basil, but she wore the face of a broken man. Gaunt, hollow eyes stared unblinking at the table covered in crisp white linen. She scratched absently at scabs that covered her arms, large festering things that oozed a faint yellow puss. Skin flecked off, dancing to the ground. Basil shuddered in revulsion.
A hacking cough shattered the silence as a soldier marched slowly towards the table. Gold medals clinked softly against the chain armor he wore over the blue and green uniform. The soldier adjusted his hat and stroked absently at his long black mustaches.
“Forgive the wait.” The soldier was speaking. “But I assure you, the Government has not forgotten your sacrifice. Without the people of the Southern Cross, the world would be a whole different place. We are committed to protecting your integrity, restoring your lands, and providing you with the finest provisions we can supply. You will eat soon. I promise.”
“But I’m hungry now.” The girl with the scabs spoke, her voice cracking. “It’s been two weeks. My brother’s going to die. I don’t know how long I can keep going.”
“The caravan is on its way.”
“You told us that last week.”
“We’re still at war, my lady. They’ve shut down the trains. There are still some rebels that have chosen to ally with our enemies. We’re doing the best we can.”
“Bravo, Sergeant.” Heads turned at the new voice. “Now, why don’t you tell them the truth?”
Last edited by jaxx6166; 09-24-2010 at 11:28 PM.
Reason: Help?
08-24-2010, 10:05 PM
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