Unutterably Silly Terrible Jokes

[DNSB]

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[ownedbycats]

I stole a board game from my friend.

They have no Clue.

[DNSB]

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

[DNSB]

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "You are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "You are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "Well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Canada Geese.

[ableal]

A theater company had this play where the heroine just barely manages to burn compromising letters in the fireplace before the villain comes into the room, reduced to snarling futilely "I smell burnt paper!".

One day the props department forgets to put the matches on the mantle, and the actress, to keep the play going, just tears up the letters and tosses them in the cold fireplace. The villain comes in and, with great presence of mind, snarls "I smell torn paper!"

[ownedbycats]

Jokes about aircraft are just plane wrong.

[DNSB]

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was in when I moved in.

[ownedbycats]

I'm in Egypt and really hurt my back. Does anyone know a good Cairopractor?

[DNSB]

Dentist: What kind of filling would you like?

Child: Chocolate!