Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

What about this version?

Things change. Fast.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life was going along smoothly, in fact the biggest challenge she faced was finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny job working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly, and inexplicably Monroe won’t let her hold it. Monroe says he’s only practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, but Annie becomes convinced something bad is happening, something terrible, and she fights to uncover the sinister secrets Monroe is keeping. She’s over-matched by Monroe’s wealth and power, but she’ll stop at nothing to save the baby and heed its cry.

[marovada]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

That would be 'jaundiced'.

Thanks. Missed that.

[meeera]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life was going along smoothly, in fact the biggest challenge she faced was finding a summer job.

Turn the comma splice into two sentences. Check your book copy (or have your editor check it) for similar errors.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by meeera

Turn the comma splice into two sentences. Check your book copy (or have your editor check it) for similar errors.

That IS a comma splice.

....You may also choose to use a semi-colon between the splice and then a comma after the word 'fact'; that is, if you don't want two sentences.

Comma-splices are bad for one's health. They cause indigestion and excessive gas. Avoid them at all costs.

------------------

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

That IS a comma splice.

....You may also choose to use a semi-colon between the splice and then a comma after the word 'fact'; that is, if you don't want two sentences.

Comma-splices are bad for one's health. They cause indigestion and excessive gas. Avoid them at all costs.

That comma splice is DEFINITELY giving me indigestion.

I recommend two sentences for those uncomfortable with semi-colons. I use them constantly; (see?) it's because my brain just loves long sentences, and my usage is an attempt to stop myself from drivelling on endlessly. But, I have forced myself, in my more-academic writing (blogs, toots, FAQ's, handbook, yadda) to use something like Hemingway or the USArmy's reading-level analysis tool, to force myself to write shorter, clearer sentences for that type of mental digestion. I aim for, Gods help us, a 6th-grade reading comprehension level. That always, or almost always, means shorter sentences, fewer commas, no semi-colons. Compound sentences seem to instantly move the reading comprehension level up 2-3-4 grades. So: if you're writing literary fiction, grand, but if you're writing genre, I'd really recommend a description that's shorter, punchier, and easy to digest.

We all need to face the fact that the industrial-strength writing that we grew up reading is a thing of the past. Everything is short, fast, don't-ask-the-reader-to-read-compound-sentences now.

But mostly, that sentence with that comma splice is just BAD. It's wrong. Yes, it's a draft, but....it hurts my eyes to look at it. (n.b.: granted, we're discussing the content and context, more than grammar and punctuation here, and we're all being nitpicky. But sometimes, you can get amazing punch just by tightening a line, a sentence, a fragment....ya just never know how much great grammar and punctuation can do for ya.)

Hitch

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by meeera

Turn the comma splice into two sentences. Check your book copy (or have your editor check it) for similar errors.

Thanks meeera. Will do.

[Gregg Bell]

I streamlined it a bit. Here's the latest version:

Things change. Fast.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s life was going along smoothly. In fact, the biggest challenge she faced was finding a summer job. So she’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe.

But something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby is terribly ill and crying constantly, and inexplicably Monroe won’t even let her hold it. Annie becomes convinced something bad is happening, something terrible, and she fights to uncover the sinister secrets Monroe is keeping. She’s over-matched by Monroe’s wealth and power, but she’ll stop at nothing to heed the baby’s cry.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

I streamlined it a bit. Here's the latest version:

Some minor tweaks:

Things change. Fast.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe--until she actually starts work for him.

Something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby seems terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably, Monroe won’t even let her hold it. Annie is convinced something bad is happening, something terrible. She fights to uncover the sinister secrets Monroe is keeping. She’s over-matched by Monroe’s wealth and power, but she’ll stop at nothing to heed the baby’s cry.

That's a wee bit less passive, and a little tighter. Not perfect, by any means, but hopefully, it helps.

I see that you're kinda vested in the "heed the baby's cry" language. I personally find it off-putting, but a lot of parents probably wouldn't.

I feel--and that's all it is, feel--that you're trying too hard to tell the whole story, again, in this. The whole "is terribly ill and crying constantly," "sinister secrets," "heed the baby's cry" feels a bit melodramatic to me. Along the lines of telling, rather than showing. Yes, it's a description, but it's...frontloaded. That's what I mean. Annie's right, Monroe is evil, the baby's really sick, he's set against her--I feel as though you're sucking any SUSPENSE out of it. Maybe that's how the book is written--Annie is the heroine, Monroe is evil, the baby IS sick, and you tell/show all that right away, and then the book is the REST of the story, but, if it isn't this way--if Annie takes time to decide that the baby really IS sick, if she takes chapters to determine that Monroe is REALLY evil, etc., you're kinda giving away the store.

(Also: how does a nanny NOT hold a baby? What, she picks it up with pliers, when she changes diapers? How does it eat, through a tube? Just sayin'.....)

JMHO.

Hitch

[Dr. Drib]

Hmmm...picks the baby up with pliers.....I like it! It sounds like my kind of story!

[Cinisajoy]

Gregg,
Still not real great. Matter of fact, your insistence on her not holding the baby could turn off many readers.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Hmmm...picks the baby up with pliers.....I like it! It sounds like my kind of story!

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Gregg,
Still not real great. Matter of fact, your insistence on her not holding the baby could turn off many readers.

I've now developed an unfortunate image of young whats-er-name holding this baby with those giant Barbecue Tongs, that you buy when you get your first grown-up big-time gas grill. A la: http://www.amazon.com/GrillPro-40240.../dp/B001E5C7IS .

Is she holding the baby on the cover? If so...

Perhaps you, Gregg, could try something like...."Inexplicably, Monroe's bizarre child-rearing instructions (or dictates--that's a good word, if you want to convey his power) only make it worse," or some such. So you don't get into weirdness with pesky things like "how does she care for the baby, if she can't pick it up?"

Hitch

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Hitch

I've now developed an unfortunate image of young whats-er-name holding this baby with those giant Barbecue Tongs, that you buy when you get your first grown-up big-time gas grill. A la: http://www.amazon.com/GrillPro-40240.../dp/B001E5C7IS .

Is she holding the baby on the cover? If so...

Perhaps you, Gregg, could try something like...."Inexplicably, Monroe's bizarre child-rearing instructions (or dictates--that's a good word, if you want to convey his power) only make it worse," or some such. So you don't get into weirdness with pesky things like "how does she care for the baby, if she can't pick it up?"

Hitch

Now those tongs might be a help with some baby diapers.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

Some minor tweaks:

Things change. Fast.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe--until she actually starts work for him.

Something’s wrong.

Monroe’s baby seems terribly ill and crying constantly. Inexplicably, Monroe won’t even let her hold it. Annie is convinced something bad is happening, something terrible. She fights to uncover the sinister secrets Monroe is keeping. She’s over-matched by Monroe’s wealth and power, but she’ll stop at nothing to heed the baby’s cry.

That's a wee bit less passive, and a little tighter. Not perfect, by any means, but hopefully, it helps.

I see that you're kinda vested in the "heed the baby's cry" language. I personally find it off-putting, but a lot of parents probably wouldn't.

I feel--and that's all it is, feel--that you're trying too hard to tell the whole story, again, in this. The whole "is terribly ill and crying constantly," "sinister secrets," "heed the baby's cry" feels a bit melodramatic to me. Along the lines of telling, rather than showing. Yes, it's a description, but it's...frontloaded. That's what I mean. Annie's right, Monroe is evil, the baby's really sick, he's set against her--I feel as though you're sucking any SUSPENSE out of it. Maybe that's how the book is written--Annie is the heroine, Monroe is evil, the baby IS sick, and you tell/show all that right away, and then the book is the REST of the story, but, if it isn't this way--if Annie takes time to decide that the baby really IS sick, if she takes chapters to determine that Monroe is REALLY evil, etc., you're kinda giving away the store.

(Also: how does a nanny NOT hold a baby? What, she picks it up with pliers, when she changes diapers? How does it eat, through a tube? Just sayin'.....)

JMHO.

Hitch

Thanks Hitch.

Maybe that's how the book is written--Annie is the heroine, Monroe is evil, the baby IS sick, and you tell/show all that right away, and then the book is the REST of the story

That's how it's written.

Thanks for the tweaks. Appreciate it.

[AnnGirdharry]

Hello Gregg Bell,

Coming at this fresh and without wanting to pick over the passages you're already considering, how about being more direct and less 'leading'?
Something like -

Seventeen year old Annie xx lands the summer job of her dreams. She didn't bargain that inside millionaire xx's mansion, she'd discover disturbing signs of child (or baby?) neglect. Or is it worse than that? Mr Nastyxxx (the billionaire) is either in denial or he's a manipulative and accomplished liar (is he like this in the book?). Annie must pitch herself against him and find a way to get to the truth.

Best of luck with it,
Ann Girdharry

[pendragginp]

That's at least better, IMO. And doesn't refer to the baby as 'it', which really stood out to me. =/ Were you doing that on purpose?