MobileRead Short Story Anthology - [DISCUSSION & REVIEW]

[Katsunami]

I still have to read your first story, but I expect that it will be almost done by now. As you're the next person on my list, would you prefer I read your second story before the first, as I can probably have more useful input there?

PS: you don't need to go from 1.9 to 2.0. You can just go to 1.10, 1.11... I'd reserve 2.0 for when you decide to rewrite a large part (as I'm doing in mine).

[Graham]

Originally Posted by Katsunami

PS: you don't need to go from 1.9 to 2.0. You can just go to 1.10, 1.11... I'd reserve 2.0 for when you decide to rewrite a large part (as I'm doing in mine).

Oh, but... (OCD alert)... if you go to 1.10 the files won't sort properly by name...

Hey ho. Will have to sort by Last Modified date.

Graham

[mrmarlowe]

Originally Posted by Katsunami

I still have to read your first story, but I expect that it will be almost done by now. As you're the next person on my list, would you prefer I read your second story before the first, as I can probably have more useful input there?

Sure, whatever the boss says.

Originally Posted by Graham

Oh, but... (OCD alert)... if you go to 1.10 the files won't sort properly by name...

Hey ho. Will have to sort by Last Modified date.

Graham

So am I on the right track then as far as file versioning is concerned?

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Graham

I've read "The Road By The River". Here are my first impressions.

Spoiler:

It's compelling, but obviously a rather uncomfortable read. It's a study of grief with a glimmer of light at the end. We are witness to the events leading from the car crash to Ricky's eventual arrival at acceptance, to the point where she can finally move on.

However, although Ricky is the protagonist, she takes no overt plot actions during the story until the very end. She is driving and observes, she goes to the river and observes, she sits in a near vegetable state and half-observes, dulling herself with pills, until finally something is thrust in front of her which cuts through and awakens her.

To make this sequence more satisfying for the reader, I think you need to put us right inside Ricky's head throughout. It's inside her thoughts that the character trauma and eventual growth are happening. We aren't as invested in her father, her mother, or Ginnie - other than knowing that her father is a big gentle man we don't know much about any of them - so as written we're still invested in Ricky through the second half, but we're mostly seeing her from the outside.

I realise that's really, really hard to do. An alternative might be to make the middle section - when Ricky is lost to us - from well inside her father's POV. This way we'd find out more about him, and connect more deeply to how Ricky's depression is affecting him, and by extension her mother and sister. We'd then have more invested in her snapping out of it.

It's not clear who gives her the photo which does the trick, but seeing the middle section from the father's POV would give us a good reason to suspect that it was him. (You could even make this more explicit if you show us the father looking at the same picture earlier - with all the attendant emotions that would summon up.)

So, perhaps have a look at the POV choices throughout? At the moment the first section is limited third person, very much from Ricky's POV, but moves to omniscient narrator in the second section, although that section starts still in a way that could still be her POV ("It wasn't very clear to Ricky how she came to be at her parents' place.") which I found a bit confusing. By the time we get to "Her eyes were flat-looking and sunk in their sockets. Her face was waxen and colorless." it's clear we're in omniscient.

Details

Little Michael had been bouncing around the house like a noisy rubber ball the last three days, diving in and out of boxes as he helped them pack. Mostly his two-year-old body had been in the way, and he got his fair share of exasperated scoldings, but he was too wound up to let it bother him. He was excited about moving down south, and especially about seeing Grandma and Grandpa.

This paragraph really brought Michael to life, told us they were moving, evoked the hassle and bustle of packing, and gave us an impression of her parents. Nice work.

She stood rooted on the shoulder, fear fighting an impulse to jump into the water.

I couldn't believe that Ricky wouldn't jump into the river after her son. I don't think it would do anything other than help the plot to let her do this in a failed attempt. It would raise the tension significantly and we'd have more sympathy with her.

She could just see her son's head over the wings of the carseat.

The various descriptions of Michael in the first scene confused me. At first I wasn't sure if he was in the car in front or beside her, but then figured out that she was seeing him up ahead, in the back seat and she could just see the top of his head over the back of the car seat. However, I was bothered by her seeing that 'his blonde head was lolled to one side. ' Car seat backs are deliberately tall things to protect the head, and if lolled to the side you might see just a tiny bit of crown. You've got a great opportunity to ratchet up the tension here, if she mulls that they really need to get him a new seat as he's outgrowing his first one!

However, he then goes from "the sleep of an exhausted baby on a car ride" to "leaning forward and waving enthusiastically" in a few seconds. Again, I'm not sure how she would be able to see more than the flutter of a small hand. Bear in mind that behind the car seat is the Volvo back seat itself.

Also, isn't the purpose of a car seat to prevent a child from leaning forward?

When you say "She could see her husband fighting with the wheel, her son alert in his seat", I think you need to preface it with some comment about the car now having spun to being side on, or slightly face-on to her. She couldn't see that from behind, I feel. Maybe have the rear of the Volvo go over the bank first?

Little things

"The rain let up at Rainbow Summit."

Slightly odd name for a section of road that has a river alongside it.

Ricky

This made my brain do a leap which jarred me out right at the start. It's such a male name that the 'she' that follows it was a surprise. Does it need to be Ricky?

sure enough, there were the lights of a train

I wasn't sure at this point whether she was seeing this oncoming or in her mirror coming up behind her.

Graham

Some good stuff to look at here.

Spoiler:

I'll work on the POV issues later. Meanwhile, I'm getting an education. Limited third person? Really? I'm also learning that I seem to like a roving POV.

If Ricky jumped in the water, she'd be dead. I thought that "massive" and "swollen" showed the power of the river, but I'll see about reinforcing it (if I can do it without overdoing it.)

I'll work on the carseat problem. Maybe all I have to do is emphasize that Ricky's in a moving van, sitting higher than the car. I'll change "leaning" to "straining."

I'll make a point that the old Volvo is slewed slightly (5 or 10 degrees should be enough) and that the rear tires are spinning as it slides over the bank.

The rain often lets up at Rainbow Summit, as the last rise before dropping down to river level. I'll emphasize that they dropped down.

No, it doesn't have to be "Ricky," but I like it.-) I'll find a way of showing that's it's a nickname for a female name.

I'll try to see why you might think she's looking in her rearview mirror and change it if necessary.

Your idea about setting up the photo better intrigues me. We'll see.

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by mrmarlowe

Okay, I uploaded a new story. Hope sir Jacob and others check it out This one is a lame duck compared to my first story but I'm sure Sir Graham can fix it in no time. [As far as the first version is concerned, boredom is guaranteed ]

Dave - v.1-0

Hi Marlowe,

I've had my first read through "Dave". It flows well, and like "The Day My Father Died" is at its most enjoyable where it illuminates aspects of life in India. I was smiling to myself in recognition during each of the incidents you cover, remembering my own trips on Indian railways and walking around in Indian cities.

Here are my first impressions:

Spoiler:

What message are you trying to convey? The message I get from the story is that an Indian traveller is embarrassed by some of his own countrymen.

However, for the story to rise above just being an apology we would need to have a sense conveyed that a) India is so much more than this, and that b) there are reasons why the poor people in the incidents behave the way they do. To get to this we need to see more of the narrator's reactions and understand who he is. At the moment we only know that the narrator is an atheist and that he has a low opinion of gullible religious tourists.

You've got three main characters: the narrator, Dave and the other Russian guy.

• We get to know very little about the narrator, although his character comes across as inquisitive, argumentative and with little time for religious fervour.
  
• We know why Dave has come to India, but don't really get a sense of him as a person.
  
• We don't find out anything about the other Russian guy. Is he necessary to the plot?

I think you've got three story arcs:

• The narrator's journey (we have very little idea where he is going or why)
  
• The Russian tourists' journey (we know where they're going and why)
  
• The series of uncomfortable incidents (I'll call these an arc of their own as in a sense all of them are an expression of India itself - a 'character in the story' - rather than just events)

As a reader I want these three to come together to produce a satisfying pay-off to the story. At this point I can't put my finger on what this should be, but I'd like to see the narrator and the Russians strengthened as characters.

Note that the uncomfortable incidents that the narrator is embarrassed over are part of the richness of the Indian social fabric that has attracted the Russians to the country in the first place. What are their reactions to the incidents? Is it changing their views? They've only been here for a day or two? Are they overwhelmed? (My daughter was virtually silent for the first 24 hours after she arrived in India. At the age of 13 her eventual comment was "Bombay is like my nightmare city. But I'm very glad we've come here!")

Does the narrator's view of India change at all? Does he gain any insight through seeing his countrymen's actions through the eyes of the Russian tourists?

I think you can make your story come to a more satisfying conclusion with even just the smallest of an insight gained by the narrator character, and you have the opportunity to deliver multiple insights if they become apparent.

Details

they sat on the footboard even though the train compartment's seats were mostly empty

Where is the footboard? What is it?

chatting in English which was enough to tell me they were foreigners

Why were the two Russians chatting in English? And why was their English so impeccable?

An ostensibly blind, fat female beggar boarded the compartment.

This section with the blind lady was very nicely observed. The detail about taping up the eyelashes was particularly effective.

"How did you know?" the first guy asked.

Given how they're dressed, I feel the guy would ask this sardonically, with humour, so if this is what you intended you might need to make this clearer.

By and by the kerchief seller came near me.

'By and by' doesn't quite work here. The narrator is right next to the Russians, so there would be no delay unless the kerchief seller wandered off. Perhaps make this just 'The kerchief seller turned to me, but I ignored him'?

The place we come from is actually hotter in summer.

It would be nice to be more specific here. Russia's a very big place, and this would be a good opportunity to ground the story in some detail.

like a mammoth giant

This didn't quite work, as if you mean that the cart looks like a big person then 'giant' would be sufficient (or something like 'lumbering giant'). If you mean that it looks like an elephant then perhaps 'giant mammoth' would work, but as the baggage-bearer is approaching it's hard to see how it could look elephantine.

stationA, stationB

I'm eager to learn what they are! ;-)

Okay so it is already fifteen minutes since we've been sitting on this bus

Why did the narrator get off the train and get on the bus with the two Russians? Given that they were on the wrong train it seems very unlikely that the narrator was also on the wrong train.

"I am not its goddamn driver" but figured that appear be a little nasty.

He's actually been pretty nasty to them already, so I'm not sure he'd hold back here, or worry about using 'goddam'.

Actually, you need to have patience in this country.

Another very nice paragraph, conjuring up the insanity of the transport system. Actually all the events in the story are very well observed and they all bring the country to life.

So, lots that's good here, and plenty you can build on.

Nice work.

Graham

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Some good stuff to look at here.

Spoiler:

I'll work on the POV issues later. Meanwhile, I'm getting an education. Limited third person? Really? I'm also learning that I seem to like a roving POV.

If Ricky jumped in the water, she'd be dead. I thought that "massive" and "swollen" showed the power of the river, but I'll see about reinforcing it (if I can do it without overdoing it.)

I'll work on the carseat problem. Maybe all I have to do is emphasize that Ricky's in a moving van, sitting higher than the car. I'll change "leaning" to "straining."

I'll make a point that the old Volvo is slewed slightly (5 or 10 degrees should be enough) and that the rear tires are spinning as it slides over the bank.

The rain often lets up at Rainbow Summit, as the last rise before dropping down to river level. I'll emphasize that they dropped down.

No, it doesn't have to be "Ricky," but I like it.-) I'll find a way of showing that's it's a nickname for a female name.

I'll try to see why you might think she's looking in her rearview mirror and change it if necessary.

Your idea about setting up the photo better intrigues me. We'll see.

Jim

I like limited third person. :-)

http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/g.../g/limited.htm

Spoiler:

If Ricky jumped in the water, she'd be dead.

That's in the river in your head, not necessarily in the river in the story. You tell us that it is 'massive' and has a 'strong current', but while a big deep strong river may be a problem for a car it doesn't definitely become a problem for a human who can swim.

But there's your opportunity. If the current is strong, Ricky jumps in and gets swept away. Now she's watching the car going under and is completely helpless and in danger. The next thing she knows she's waking up at her parents. Wow.

You can handwave how she was found near death on the bank downstream.

Graham

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Graham

I like limited third person. :-)

http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/g.../g/limited.htm

Spoiler:

If Ricky jumped in the water, she'd be dead.

That's in the river in your head, not necessarily in the river in the story. You tell us that it is 'massive' and has a 'strong current', but while a big deep strong river may be a problem for a car it doesn't definitely become a problem for a human who can swim.

But there's your opportunity. If the current is strong, Ricky jumps in and gets swept away. Now she's watching the car going under and is completely helpless and in danger. The next thing she knows she's waking up at her parents. Wow.

You can handwave how she was found near death on the bank downstream.

Graham

Spoiler:

That would be good, but I also like the moral ambiguity of fear stopping her from doing the cliche thing that everyone expects. The ensuing guilt contributes to her subsequent breakdown. Maybe I'll have to mention the guilt.

Jim

[Graham]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

Spoiler:

That would be good, but I also like the moral ambiguity of fear stopping her from doing the cliche thing that everyone expects. The ensuing guilt contributes to her subsequent breakdown. Maybe I'll have to mention the guilt.

Jim

Spoiler:

The problem is that we lose sympathy for her because she makes no attempt to save her child.

Graham

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Graham

Spoiler:

The problem is that we lose sympathy for her because she makes no attempt to save her child.

Graham

I'll think about it.-)

[gmw]

You guys are getting ahead of me again. I'm short on time again, but hope to get a look at these new stories in the coming week.

[mrmarlowe]

Dave - v.1-1 now up.

[Katsunami]

I've just line-edited "When my Father Died" version 2.0. Tomorrow I'll type up the comments

mrmarlowe: I might have missed it, but haven't you commented on any of the other stories?

[mrmarlowe]

And Dave review?

Originally Posted by Katsunami

mrmarlowe: I might have missed it, but haven't you commented on any of the other stories?

You're right. I am behind everybody.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by mrmarlowe

Dave - v.1-1 now up.

Nice one. You've fixed quite a few things.

Spoiler:

I didn't see the ending coming!

I like it.

I'll leave it for others to read now and give their first impressions.

Graham

[Graham]

Originally Posted by mrmarlowe

Also I have finished the editing and other tweaks on my first story: When My Father 'Died' - v.2-0

I read this through again today.

Spoiler:

It'll be interesting to get Katsunami's take on it. I think I've read it too many times for now. I need to leave it for a couple of weeks to get a fresh perspective.

I think your original instincts were right and that the shradh should be mentioned in the ending; taking it out completely doesn't feel right. However it can be as little as simply changing "Father'd be returning?? You sure?" to "Father's returning? What about the shradh?", followed by the mother saying "What shradh? Go and wash those utensils."

That would really hammer home that this is a dream.

With regard to the chopper in the last paragraph, I know you like it, but what is it supposed to suggest?

In v2 of the story the only time the chopper is mentioned is back when the apparition threatens the narrator 'in the hours of twilight' when he's about to 'chop some veggies in the kitchen'. In the dream at the moment the chopper never leaves the kitchen. So why would it end up on the bed?

If you want to suggest that events weren't a dream then you need to have him move the chopper to the bedroom in the dream. For example, immediately after the apparition is scared off by the chopper knife, he could decide to sleep with it in the bedroom in case the ghost came back at night.

However, I still don't think this works as given that his father is still alive in the ending, how could we believe that it wasn't a dream?

Are you suggesting that although everything was a dream, the shadowy apparition that was trying to eat his (dream) father's share of the food is a ghost that's around in the real (non-dream) world?

But, that would make the non-ghost story a ghost story, which would make having the dream ending unnecessary. You might as well stick with it just being a ghost story (which, as I've said before, I would prefer).

Graham