The Case of the Drowning Baptists

[pshrynk]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

I gave him two minutes, and then it was time for the first act of Henry the V.

Cool!

[Greg Anos]

"C'mon. Micah, put that thing down and let's have a beer."

That must have been the wrong thing to say, because Micah suddenly screamed "CHRIST HAS RISEN!" and pressed the button.

BANGS went off everywhere in the pipes underneath all the brew vats and high pressure streams of Pearl and Pearl Lite came roaring at the Drowning Baptists. I was in a zone not covered by any of the beer paths, and VR was up on a platform and clear of the flood as well. Every time a Drowning Baptist tried to get up they got washed back down.

VR yelled at me, "NICE PARTY!"

I yelled back, "THANKS. PLENTY OF BEER AND ENTERTAINMENT, TOO. BETTER INVITE THE NEIGHBORS. " I screamed at the top of my lungs "FBI, MARINES, HIT THE DOOR AND FOLLOW THE NOISE. BRING YOU OWN CUPS!!!"

I started singing Tom T. Hall's I Like Beer.

"I like beer,
It makes me
A jolly good fellow..."


About 30 seconds later, the doors burst open and heavily armed FBI agents and Marines burst in, doing their careful cover and advance routine, approaching the beer streams which were still roaring. There was a lot of beer in the vats.

"Hey VR, we got a dance team now, too."

"Real nice party, Red. Maybe we ought to start thinking about how to shut it down now."

"Party pooper! But you're right. Let me get the Major over here. MAJOR RUIZ, OVER HERE."

The Major circle behind the flows to get to me."

"Major, I don't know how to shut these flows off, after all the explosives. We need to save these souls before they give up and drown. Can you use some ropes and kinda lasso the people and pull them out the beer, one at a time? You can then cuff 'em and have the FBI read 'em their rights."

"Smart plan, Red, I've got ropes, and they won't be any trouble one at a time." He raced off.

"Hey VR, bet you never thought you get to watch "Fishing For Baptist Souls" live!

"Beat any other fishing show I've ever seen. Of course that's not saying much."

"When they get the last one out, let's give 'em a round of Just as I Am. "

VR started chuckling. "Red, sometimes you're just too much."

"It you think that's too much, just wait until you see how I deliver the bars..."


One at a time, they got them all out. The last one was Micah. As he was being pulled out, I turned around and bent over and dropped my pants. A big ole full moon.

"All right VR let's hit it!"

"Just as I am..."

Unfortunately, I hadn't planned on Micah having a hide-out on him. I heard a Bang! and suddenly I'm flipped end-for-end, banging my head against something along the was. I was seeing double and my rump was on fire. There was something red flowing out from under me. I heard my voice saying, "Anybody got a couple of band-aids?"

[zelda_pinwheel]

"Now, now, a preacher shouldn't talk like that, even to an unwashed heathen."



so is this frog related to the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county ?

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

"Now, now, a preacher shouldn't talk like that, even to an unwashed heathen."



so is this frog related to the celebrated jumping frog of calaveras county ?

No, he doesn't do gambling bets...By the way, did you ever read the Mark Twain commentary about what "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County" looked like after being translated into French and then translated back into English?

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

No, he doesn't do gambling bets...By the way, did you ever read the Mark Twain commentary about what "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County" looked like after being translated into French and then translated back into English?

that's the version i linked to. i uploaded it to feedbooks. babelfish before babelfish, and surreal comedy gold !

[badgoodDeb]

Yay!!! Hope the Marines all brought their own mugs, so as to celebrate proper like.

(sorry, just skimmed the Mark Twain book, and now I got that accent sorta stuck in me craw)

[Greg Anos]

I am depressed. There poor Red is, lying in a puddle of his own blood, shot, and nobody even seems to notice....

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

I am depressed. There poor Red is, lying in a puddle of his own blood, shot, and nobody even seems to notice....

noooooo !!! don't be depressed. i just know that red will be fine ! because he's too much of a gentleman to die on us ! but... is he *badly* shot ?? maybe someone should get him some bandaids...

[badgoodDeb]

And anyway, alcohol is a good germ killer, isn't it? When topically applied, as it presently is?

[pshrynk]

Well, I was just going to comment on the need for a butt sling...

[Greg Anos]

The shot didn't go unnoticed I later found out. Major Ruiz yanked down Micah and kicked the gun out of his hand. Micah was swarmed by a half dozen M-16's until he was double-cuffed, and dragged outside.

I merely noticed a couple of combat medics arriving as my eyes started to come back together.

"Easy fellah, where're you're hit?"

"Backside, rump." I hissed out.

At that point VR, rolled on his back and started howling, gurgling and twitching.

The medic asked, "What's wrong with the pooch?"

"Nevermind him, he's having the time of his life. I'm the one leaking blood."

They turned me over and took a look. After wiping off blood, I heard one of them say "Well, look at that."

The other said, "Black Talon?"

"Sure looks like it. Lucky for him it was a deep graze."

"Let's compress it and evac. Mister, you want a pain shot?"

"No. I gotta stay awake, 'til this is all wrapped up." Meanwhile VR is still twitching and howling, every time he looked at my backside, he went into another set of convulsions.

They padded me up to stop the bleedin' and fetch a stretcher over. Major Ruiz accompanied it.

"That was a damnfool stunt Red." He looked at VR. "What's wrong with the dog?"

"He's having the time of his life." I turned my head. "Shut up VR. You've had your laugh."

VR, of course, paid no attention, and kept on howling.

"VR, if you don't shut up, I gonna have the Marines throw you into the Pearl."

That got his attention. "You wouldn't dare, Red."

"Try me. Let's get out of here VR, and go home."

He chuckled a little more, "Alright, Red, lets go home."

A couple of Marines picked up the stretcher and headed out of the saved Pearl Brewery.


Back at the FBI headquarters, I had them park me, stretcher and all, where I could take to the head Hoover doll. Nate the Great was raising sand about being falsely held, him being a journalist.

"Yall might as well let the newsie go. He's not part of the conspiracy."

"Are you sure, Red?"

"Unfortunately, yes. But make certain you book Micah for Attempted Murder."

"Why?'

"Because he shot me with a proscribed bullet, a Black Talon." I ignored all the FBI grins. "That moves it up to attempted murder from aggravated assault. Check with the combat medics. Also check the other loads in his hold out. I figger there wasn't just one in the gun."

"Sounds reasonable. Anything else?"

"How are the hostages doing?"

"We gave a few bottles of Johnny Walker and the seemed to perk right up. The Monseigneur is waiting over there to chat with you."

"Send him over, please. I'm not in shape to go to him."

Monseigneur Camillo walked over. "You shouldn'ta madea fun of Micah that way."

"<sigh> I know Padre, but sometimes..." I shrugged.

"You shoulda doa a penace."

"Would 1/3 of the take home off this deal to your old parish, be penance enough?"

He smiled. "Morea thana enough."

"Then leave me a card or something so I can reach you to tell me where to send the money."

I waived over to the head Hoover doll. "Y'all hauled Micah away yet."

"Not yet, I figured you might want to talk to him."

They dragged a manacled Micah over.

"I got nothing to say until my attorney gets here."

"Well, I got one more piece of advice. Y'all better become a Methodist, 'cause you're not gonna see anything but showers for the next 30 years."

All that got me was a glare.

"Anybody need anything else from me? No? Good. Can somebody transport me to a hospital to finish the fix-up job? I've done enough for this day...."

[Greg Anos]

EPILOG


Excerpts from the Grand Jury transcripts of The People versus Micah , page 47.


<Bailiff> "Mr Edwards, please take the stand."

<Oath Administered>

<Judge> "Now Mr. Edwards, please be seated."

<Edwards> "Your Honor, due to a personal injury, could the court indulge me and allow me to stand to give my testimony?"

<Judge> "That is a reasonable request, granted."

<Counsel for the Defense> "Can you explain to the jury why you wanted to give the Defendant a beer."

<Edwards> "I was just trying to give a beer to a person I was talking with. I was just being friendly."

<Counsel for the Defense> "But you then deluged him with 30,000 Gallons worth of beer!"

<Edwards> "I'm just a real friendly fellow."

[zelda_pinwheel]

a "black talon" ?? that sounds sinister ! what is that ? was that a closer call than i thought ??? i'm glad he's all right ! (not that i doubted he would be. he is the hero, after all. and the author knows we'd lynch him if he tried to kill the hero ).

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

<Edwards> "I was just trying to give a beer to a person I was talking with. I was just being friendly."

<Counsel for the Defense> "But you then deluged him with 30,000 Gallons worth of beer!"

<Edwards> "I'm just a real friendly fellow."

[badgoodDeb]

Hope it doesn't take the Pearl people long to make up that 30,000 gallons. What a waste of stock!

[pshrynk]

Black Talon is a type of ammunition that was produced by Winchester Ammunition in the 1990s primarily for law enforcement and self-defense. This ammunition became known for being one of the earlier types of ammo to exhibit an extreme expansion effect upon impacting soft targets (flesh). Black Talon ammunition was available in many of the common calibers including: 9x19mm Parabellum, 10mm Auto, .40 S&W, .45 ACP, .357 Magnum, .357 SIG, .44 Magnum, .308 Winchester, and .300 Winchester Magnum calibers.

Wikipedia is a great thing.