Would you keep reading?

[Williamlk]

This is the opening from my new novella. I haven't quite finished it yet. Just starting the rewrite phase.

(This is the current rewrite of the opening.)


“The more we exploit nature, The more are options are reduced, until we have only one: to fight for survival.”
~Morris K. Udall

Becki felt herself screaming, but only heard a whisper against the chaos surrounding her. Digging her fingernails tightly into the bark of the tree she held, she knew her consciousness was wavering.

With the wind howling, dust shifting, debris flying, she could barely make out his form. Caught in the devastation of this universal rage, Richard was indeed still alive.

The wind yanked him back and forth. His body rocked violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him. He tried desperately to lock eyes with her, he could not.

They were only just beginning to regain consciousness from their drug induced slumber, and now this.

[Elfwreck]

Starting in the middle of a crisis is a nice hook, but I wouldn't continue reading; three grammatical errors (one serious), passive voice, and lack of a clear POV tell me I'm not likely to enjoy reading the book, no matter how compelling I'd find the events & characters.

[Williamlk]

Originally Posted by Elfwreck

Starting in the middle of a crisis is a nice hook, but I wouldn't continue reading; three grammatical errors (one serious), passive voice, and lack of a clear POV tell me I'm not likely to enjoy reading the book, no matter how compelling I'd find the events & characters.

I have not fully edited it yet, but I appreciate the feedback.

[queentess]

Originally Posted by Williamlk

With the wind howling, the dust shifting and the debris flying, she could barely make out his form. Richard was caught in the inferno of nature’s rage. Grasping onto a tree, she knew she was screaming, but no sound could be heard against the tumultuous chaos surrounding them.

It seemed they were the only two who survived, and it appeared she may be the only one left shortly. Richard was being pulled back and forth by the wind. His body, rocking violently from the rubble relentlessly smashing into him.

They were only just beginning to regain consciousness from their drug induced slumber, and now this!

Probably not, for the bolded reasons (and especially that exclamation point!). I'm also a little unclear on the state of things. I read about wind, then it says "inferno", implying fire, which doesn't really seem to go together in my mind. Could be my short-coming there, but I had troubles picturing the scene (which is really how I read, by imaging the scene, so any hiccups really disrupt my reading).

[Williamlk]

What about this? I made some changes.




Had only she and Richard survived?

With the wind howling, dust shifting, debris flying, she could barely make out his form. Richard was caught in the devastation of nature’s rage. Grasping onto a tree, she knew she was screaming, but no sound could be heard against the tumultuous chaos surrounding them.

Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him.

They were only just beginning to regain consciousness from their drug induced slumber, and now they had to contend with this.

[cyclekitty]

I gave you a yes based on rewrite.

[ardeegee]

Originally Posted by queentess

I read about wind, then it says "inferno", implying fire, which doesn't really seem to go together in my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGvTgYyANy8

[ardeegee]

"Had only she and Richard survived?"

In giving a list of people including yourself, you put yourself last. Since this is done from the female character's point of view, it should be "Richard and she." Even that is pretty clumsy-- maybe time for a "thought bubble"-- "Have only Richard and I survived?" depending on if you are using that convention.

"With the wind howling, dust shifting, debris flying, she could barely make out his form."

Seems a pretty passive description of a dynamic scene. And wind-- howling or not-- doesn't obscure your view. "She could barely make out his form through the flying dust and debris."

"Grasping onto a tree"

Onto means "on top of", not "clinging to." And "grasping" means "holding with your hands." I doubt that you mean that she is on top of a limb squeezing it between her hands. You probably mean that she is "clinging to a tree"-- desperately holding on for dear life with both arms (and maybe legs, too.)

"but no sound could be heard against the tumultuous chaos surrounding them."

Now is where the "howling wind" would come in. But I'd use "over", not "against." And "tumult" and "chaos" mean pretty much the same thing. Redundant.

There is a scene from the TV series Growing Pains (go figure) that has stuck with me for all the years after I watched it. The elder daughter has written an essay filled with excessively long, flowery words to the point of making the paper far less readable than if it had been simpler language. I had to google to find the quoted text:

Maggie: (reading Carol's article) Listen to this:
"Night obduces the isthmus 'neath its obsidian mantle. The mollusks imbibe one last sip twixt their valves and expel the day's muculence."
Jason: She could be pushing a little.
Maggie: Jason, read this.
Jason: "With dexterous manipulation of his digits, the master clammer extricates the muculent mollusk from its lapideous ménage."

But the exact words of her teacher are what have stuck with me for decades: he told her that her paper was "replete with stinkiosity."

Always, writers should ask themselves "Is this replete with stinkiosity?"

"Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him."

Sentence fragment.

"They were only just beginning to regain consciousness from their drug induced slumber, and now they had to contend with this."

Question mark, not period.

[Williamlk]

Thanks for the comments ardeegee, I also love that youtube video.
I'll have to check out that Growing Pains scene.

Poor Carol, she tried so hard to be accepted.

[kcmay]

Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him.

is not a complete sentence. I'd have concerns that the rest of the manuscript contains similar grammatical errors.

[HarryT]

Originally Posted by Williamlk

Richard, yanked back and forth by the wind, his body, rocking violently from the tiny pieces of rubble relentlessly smashing into him.

This sentence has a subject and a subordinate clause, but no main verb at all. It is not a complete sentence. (You could make it into one by putting a verb like "was" after the word "Richard".) Also, the comma after "his body" serves no useful purpose.

I don't mean to be pedantic, but grammar is the writer's "toolbox" and it's absolutely vital to be able to write in grammatically correct English. It doesn't matter how good the story is if it's not written correctly.

[queentess]

Originally Posted by ardeegee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGvTgYyANy8

Yep, hence my next sentence, "Could be my short-coming there" Knowing it's possible and having it make sense to me in context are two different things

[Williamlk]

Originally Posted by queentess

Yep, hence my next sentence, "Could be my short-coming there" Knowing it's possible and having it make sense to me in context are two different things

I agreed with you in the end also, inferno was not the right word to use. However, that was an impressive youtube video. I guess anything is possible.

[ardeegee]

Originally Posted by queentess

Yep, hence my next sentence, "Could be my short-coming there" Knowing it's possible and having it make sense to me in context are two different things

Not to make assumptions, but maybe you are from somewhere (like a city) where you aren't around many open fires? They create their own wind, even just a pile of leaves burning makes an updraft that can blow around nearby tree limbs.

http://www.csiro.au/resources/FireGeneratedWind.html

[queentess]

Originally Posted by ardeegee

Not to make assumptions, but maybe you are from somewhere (like a city) where you aren't around many open fires? They create their own wind, even just a pile of leaves burning makes an updraft that can blow around nearby tree limbs.

http://www.csiro.au/resources/FireGeneratedWind.html

I'm a country bumpkin who moved to the city
It makes sense, it just didn't make sense to me when I read it. (I am likely the minority there.)

With the wind howling, the dust shifting and the debris flying, she could barely make out his form. Richard was caught in the inferno of nature’s rage.

I was picturing dust, debris and a dry wind with leaves blowing around. Couldn't make fire fit into my imagined place. The word choice might be perfect, but just didn't work for me.