Seriousness Goodbye for now

carld · 07-28-2009, 10:33 AM

My mother just recently lost her year-long battle with lung cancer. I've been her caregiver, her child, and sometimes her parent as the disease took hold. She passed away quietly Saturday evening, and the funeral is tomorrow.

So why goodbye?

I've found that I can no longer enjoy MobileRead. A few acrimonious posters are getting to me in a way that they never would have before, and I'm tired of it. I really don't need the extra stress. So congrats guys, and you know who you are, you chased me away good and proper. I hope it makes you happy, and it makes me sad that it probably will.

I may come back, I may not, we'll see.

Carl

PS: And thanks to all the wonderful folks here whom I've had very positive interactions with.

lilac_jive · 07-28-2009, 10:37 AM

I'm really sorry to hear that

I hope that you find yourself in a better place soon.

Best wishes in this tough time, and I'm sorry for your loss.

columbus · 07-28-2009, 10:50 AM

Very very sad news.

I hope you soon, (as I am sure you will), begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel after the very difficult year you have obviously had.

Certainly mine, if not all of our thoughts are with you and will be pleased to hear from you when you decide it is time.

Ir con dios.

pdurrant · 07-28-2009, 10:58 AM

You must have had a very hard year. I hope you have friends or family close by to help in the coming months.

Best wishes, and I hope to see you back here someday.

Quote:

Originally Posted by carld

My mother just recently lost her year-long battle with lung cancer. I've been her caregiver, her child, and sometimes her parent as the disease took hold. She passed away quietly Saturday evening, and the funeral is tomorrow.

DixieGal · 07-28-2009, 11:20 AM

I am sorry for your loss, as well as our loss of you. You will be welcomed back whenever you feel like catching up with old friends. In the meantime, hold tight to friends and family and let them comfort you. May God's blessings be with you in the days and weeks to come.

desertgrandma · 07-28-2009, 11:24 AM

I'm sorry for your loss, Carld. Give yourself time to grieve.

You will get thru this. God Bless.

RWood · 07-28-2009, 11:31 AM

All things pass. It has been 32 years since my Mother died and the memories are still there, just a little past the present. Life does go on and new challenges arise. When things come round again and life gets a bit more sane I do hope you will come back and at least visit. Your contributions will be missed.

Lady Blue · 07-28-2009, 12:12 PM

I am sorry to hear the sad news. I pray for you strength and comfort to bring you to a better place than you find yourself in right now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and we'll be here for you when you decide to return.

montsnmags · 07-28-2009, 11:32 PM

Carl, I don't presume to know how you feel. Although I have "been there", my experience suggests that those who have been there also know that it's different for everyone.

In 2003 my father finally succumbed to prostate cancer. We spent his last 10 days in hospital with him (and to the nurses and staff of Lingard Hospital...you are the only angels I know), barely sleeping, and often as not when we did on lino floors or semi-comfortable chairs. He started those 10 days alert, and finished, under the graduated comfort of morphine, with his breath fading out on the 10th day like the sound of a prayer bell (never quite sure when it ended). It was an excessively painful time, and, oddly, somewhat joyful too - our family learned much, from him and each other.

The times after, the grief, were the most hellish I've experienced. Even now, knock-on effects can be debilitating. A good friend, however, once told me that how we experience grief is ours alone - that it is the most starkly personal, and puts into relief the truism of individuality (not as a judgement, but as a non-judgemental observation). It was a hard road, such that I feel the guilt of potentially placing the idea in front of you at this time. Grief can bring you many new revelations about yourself, including an anger...a burning anger, which can spray everywhere like an unattended firehose at times (at least in my case). Most of all though, and as a friend put it for me, ARRGGHH! FUCKING CANCER!

To my mind, during grieving, it is good to be selective of the circumstances and interractions you place yourself in. Perhaps MR is not the right place for you now...but don't be put off everything "online". It may seem frivolous to quote a Rock musical here, but when "the blackness would hit me, and the void would be calling" (and it did, sometimes still does), it was as much online interraction as family support (alas, there's a mess for me in that latter that doesn't bare talking about right now) that helped me through the madness. Sometimes that support was from people who were aware, and very gently, without comment, held me up. Sometimes it was just from the participation in some "normality" that was unaware of the grief. Sometimes that support was allowing the madness to show in the form of manic humour and downright jocular foolishness. Perhaps I still make those allowances of myself (okay, no "perhaps" - I still do ~smile~). Regardless...there are many good people out there whose gentle touch or simply willing ear will help. Actually, a willing ear, ready to listen without feeling the need to offer "advice", is a surprisingly (or not) helpful salve (and I am uncomfortably contradicting myself with this very post

)

Six months after my father died, I lost my grandfather to the same disease. Six months after my grandfather died, I was again in the hospital, holding the hand of my much-loved mother-out-law as her breath, different to my father's, speeded up, hitched, and stopped suddenly with a slow exhale. [She'd had two operations over 18 months for a large meningioma growth, which deteriorated her mental faculties over that time, which was hard to watch in someone so intellectually agile, but no doubt harder to experience]

I guess my point is, death and grief can kick you harder than anything else, and every person who unknowingly (of your private pain) offers you criticism, pressure, or even insult can feel like they're giving a steel-booted kick while you're so very far down. Correspondingly, it is the oddest out-of-nowhere pats on the shoulder or back, for completely unrelated, sometimes minor things, and even from complete strangers, that can lift you, cradle you, from the depths. There are for more of the latter than the former out there, and there are far more of the non-strangers who will care enough to want to help; to gently, without comment, hold you steady when you need it, or just to listen when you need to HOWL your grief or rage at the universe. If you do not find them here, you will find them elsewhere, or they'll find you. Just keep an eye out for them...please.

Whatever you do though, do whatever you need to do to keep going. It's important. Keep going, and ask for help when you need it.

Yours with deep sadness and sincerity,
Marc

pshrynk · 07-29-2009, 09:35 AM

I sit here in the lobby outside the ICU where my step dad lies on a ventilator and read Marc's posting and am very aware of why it is that MR is so important to me. Sure, y'all can get annoying every now and then but it's a family sort of annoying.

Carl, please know that there are those who are saddened if you leave and that we are willing to share in your grief.

griffonwing · 07-29-2009, 11:18 AM

I agree. You guys are the absolute best.

carld, I'm gonna miss ya. I lost my younger brother 2 years ago to pulmonary hypertension brought on by meds from a misdiagnosis of T-Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. 2 weeks before that, I lost my grandfather to colon cancer. My twin brother now lies in the hospital, also with T-Cell. I understand exactly how you're feeling.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now in your time of loss.

nohmi2 · 07-29-2009, 09:16 PM

Dear Carld,

Losing a mother is painful at the best of times, but having cared for her during that time and 'being there' makes it all the more painful.

Please return when you feel stronger, and we will look forward to hearing from you again.

Sincerely,
Nohmi

Patricia · 07-29-2009, 09:30 PM

Carl, my thoughts are with you and your family.
And please to remember to take care of yourself.

fugazied · 07-29-2009, 10:59 PM

Sorry for your loss

Hopefully we will see you on the forums again soon, refreshed and sharing favourite ebooks.

kazbates · 07-30-2009, 10:34 AM

I am so sorry for your loss, Carl. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless you all.

Everyone else has said it so perfectly, but I just wanted to add that I hope you do come back to MR when you feel ready. I know that posters can be annoying sometimes, the nature of a forum making us forget the emotion behind our posts and the feelings of others who read them. There are truly wonderful people here who care about each other, at least I know I do, and I hope, that in time, you will come back to us.

Your friend,

07-28-2009, 10:33 AM	#1
carld Wizard Posts: 2,698 Karma: 4748723 Join Date: Dec 2007 Device: Kindle Paperwhite	Goodbye for now My mother just recently lost her year-long battle with lung cancer. I've been her caregiver, her child, and sometimes her parent as the disease took hold. She passed away quietly Saturday evening, and the funeral is tomorrow. So why goodbye? I've found that I can no longer enjoy MobileRead. A few acrimonious posters are getting to me in a way that they never would have before, and I'm tired of it. I really don't need the extra stress. So congrats guys, and you know who you are, you chased me away good and proper. I hope it makes you happy, and it makes me sad that it probably will. I may come back, I may not, we'll see. Carl PS: And thanks to all the wonderful folks here whom I've had very positive interactions with.

07-28-2009, 10:50 AM	#3
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	Very very sad news. I hope you soon, (as I am sure you will), begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel after the very difficult year you have obviously had. Certainly mine, if not all of our thoughts are with you and will be pleased to hear from you when you decide it is time. Ir con dios. Last edited by columbus; 07-28-2009 at 11:06 AM.

07-28-2009, 11:32 PM	#9
montsnmags Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,155 Karma: 4632658 Join Date: Nov 2007 Device: none	Carl, I don't presume to know how you feel. Although I have "been there", my experience suggests that those who have been there also know that it's different for everyone. In 2003 my father finally succumbed to prostate cancer. We spent his last 10 days in hospital with him (and to the nurses and staff of Lingard Hospital...you are the only angels I know), barely sleeping, and often as not when we did on lino floors or semi-comfortable chairs. He started those 10 days alert, and finished, under the graduated comfort of morphine, with his breath fading out on the 10th day like the sound of a prayer bell (never quite sure when it ended). It was an excessively painful time, and, oddly, somewhat joyful too - our family learned much, from him and each other. The times after, the grief, were the most hellish I've experienced. Even now, knock-on effects can be debilitating. A good friend, however, once told me that how we experience grief is ours alone - that it is the most starkly personal, and puts into relief the truism of individuality (not as a judgement, but as a non-judgemental observation). It was a hard road, such that I feel the guilt of potentially placing the idea in front of you at this time. Grief can bring you many new revelations about yourself, including an anger...a burning anger, which can spray everywhere like an unattended firehose at times (at least in my case). Most of all though, and as a friend put it for me, ARRGGHH! FUCKING CANCER! To my mind, during grieving, it is good to be selective of the circumstances and interractions you place yourself in. Perhaps MR is not the right place for you now...but don't be put off everything "online". It may seem frivolous to quote a Rock musical here, but when "the blackness would hit me, and the void would be calling" (and it did, sometimes still does), it was as much online interraction as family support (alas, there's a mess for me in that latter that doesn't bare talking about right now) that helped me through the madness. Sometimes that support was from people who were aware, and very gently, without comment, held me up. Sometimes it was just from the participation in some "normality" that was unaware of the grief. Sometimes that support was allowing the madness to show in the form of manic humour and downright jocular foolishness. Perhaps I still make those allowances of myself (okay, no "perhaps" - I still do ~smile~). Regardless...there are many good people out there whose gentle touch or simply willing ear will help. Actually, a willing ear, ready to listen without feeling the need to offer "advice", is a surprisingly (or not) helpful salve (and I am uncomfortably contradicting myself with this very post ) Six months after my father died, I lost my grandfather to the same disease. Six months after my grandfather died, I was again in the hospital, holding the hand of my much-loved mother-out-law as her breath, different to my father's, speeded up, hitched, and stopped suddenly with a slow exhale. [She'd had two operations over 18 months for a large meningioma growth, which deteriorated her mental faculties over that time, which was hard to watch in someone so intellectually agile, but no doubt harder to experience] I guess my point is, death and grief can kick you harder than anything else, and every person who unknowingly (of your private pain) offers you criticism, pressure, or even insult can feel like they're giving a steel-booted kick while you're so very far down. Correspondingly, it is the oddest out-of-nowhere pats on the shoulder or back, for completely unrelated, sometimes minor things, and even from complete strangers, that can lift you, cradle you, from the depths. There are for more of the latter than the former out there, and there are far more of the non-strangers who will care enough to want to help; to gently, without comment, hold you steady when you need it, or just to listen when you need to HOWL your grief or rage at the universe. If you do not find them here, you will find them elsewhere, or they'll find you. Just keep an eye out for them...please. Whatever you do though, do whatever you need to do to keep going. It's important. Keep going, and ask for help when you need it. Yours with deep sadness and sincerity, Marc Last edited by montsnmags; 07-28-2009 at 11:36 PM.

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07-28-2009, 10:37 AM	#2
lilac_jive Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,870 Karma: 27376 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Pennsylvania Device: PRS-505	I'm really sorry to hear that I hope that you find yourself in a better place soon. Best wishes in this tough time, and I'm sorry for your loss.

07-28-2009, 11:20 AM	#5
DixieGal Hi There! Posts: 7,473 Karma: 2930523 Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Ft Lauderdale Device: iPad	I am sorry for your loss, as well as our loss of you. You will be welcomed back whenever you feel like catching up with old friends. In the meantime, hold tight to friends and family and let them comfort you. May God's blessings be with you in the days and weeks to come.

07-28-2009, 11:24 AM	#6
desertgrandma Enjoying the show.... Posts: 14,270 Karma: 10462843 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Arizona Device: A K1, Kindle Paperwhite, an Ipod, IPad2, Iphone, an Ipad Mini & macAir	I'm sorry for your loss, Carld. Give yourself time to grieve. You will get thru this. God Bless.

07-28-2009, 11:31 AM	#7
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	All things pass. It has been 32 years since my Mother died and the memories are still there, just a little past the present. Life does go on and new challenges arise. When things come round again and life gets a bit more sane I do hope you will come back and at least visit. Your contributions will be missed.

07-28-2009, 12:12 PM	#8
Lady Blue the snarky blue one Posts: 6,001 Karma: 3877825 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: deep in the heart Device: PRS500, 505 & 600, PRST1 & T2, Kindle PW, Moto Razr, Galaxy Tab 2-10"	I am sorry to hear the sad news. I pray for you strength and comfort to bring you to a better place than you find yourself in right now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and we'll be here for you when you decide to return.

07-29-2009, 09:35 AM	#10
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	I sit here in the lobby outside the ICU where my step dad lies on a ventilator and read Marc's posting and am very aware of why it is that MR is so important to me. Sure, y'all can get annoying every now and then but it's a family sort of annoying. Carl, please know that there are those who are saddened if you leave and that we are willing to share in your grief.

07-29-2009, 11:18 AM	#11
griffonwing Suave Swabby, Savvy? Posts: 1,602 Karma: 520350 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Harrison, ARrrr, USA - southern Ozark mountains Device: Slate Blue PEZ (Astak Pocket Pro), CVSCX-9300 Quad-band watch phone	I agree. You guys are the absolute best. carld, I'm gonna miss ya. I lost my younger brother 2 years ago to pulmonary hypertension brought on by meds from a misdiagnosis of T-Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. 2 weeks before that, I lost my grandfather to colon cancer. My twin brother now lies in the hospital, also with T-Cell. I understand exactly how you're feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now in your time of loss.

07-29-2009, 09:16 PM	#12
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	Dear Carld, Losing a mother is painful at the best of times, but having cared for her during that time and 'being there' makes it all the more painful. Please return when you feel stronger, and we will look forward to hearing from you again. Sincerely, Nohmi

07-29-2009, 09:30 PM	#13
Patricia Reader Posts: 11,504 Karma: 8720163 Join Date: May 2007 Location: South Wales, UK Device: Sony PRS-500, PRS-505, Asus EEEpc 4G	Carl, my thoughts are with you and your family. And please to remember to take care of yourself.

07-29-2009, 10:59 PM	#14
fugazied Wizard Posts: 1,305 Karma: 1958 Join Date: Jan 2009 Device: iPod Touch	Sorry for your loss Hopefully we will see you on the forums again soon, refreshed and sharing favourite ebooks.

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07-30-2009, 10:34 AM	#15
kazbates Wizard Posts: 2,627 Karma: 406616 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Northern Virginia Device: SurfacePro, SurfaceBook 2	I am so sorry for your loss, Carl. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless you all. Everyone else has said it so perfectly, but I just wanted to add that I hope you do come back to MR when you feel ready. I know that posters can be annoying sometimes, the nature of a forum making us forget the emotion behind our posts and the feelings of others who read them. There are truly wonderful people here who care about each other, at least I know I do, and I hope, that in time, you will come back to us. Your friend,