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Old 07-20-2011, 01:36 PM   #1
mr ploppy
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Better way to phrase this
It's about someone having a wee wee in the toilet, so don't read it if that sort of thing offends you. It's the bit at the end, when your bladder empties that needs rephrasing, but I'm not sure how to do it.

Spoiler:
Urine spattered against the lid and dripped down it. Colin sighed as he relieved himself, and aimed into the toilet bowl itself when the jet of his stream lessened.
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Old 07-20-2011, 05:18 PM   #2
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What fun. How about:

Urine spattered against the lid and dripped down it. Colin sighed. As the pressure eased he managed to hit the bowl.
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:08 AM   #3
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What fun. How about:

Urine spattered against the lid and dripped down it. Colin sighed. As the pressure eased he managed to hit the bowl.
No, it's deliberate. You put the seat up and aim at the oval-shaped target. You never played that game?
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Old 07-21-2011, 06:42 AM   #4
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You could give him an enlarged prostrate then it would just dribble.
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Old 07-21-2011, 11:04 AM   #5
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You could give him an enlarged prostrate then it would just dribble.
Then he wouldn't be able to play cigarette-end football in the urinals.
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:01 PM   #6
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And if your plot turns on that.....
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:43 PM   #7
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And if your plot turns on that.....
It's all about character building, innit?

I've gone for this, still a bit clunky but not as bad.

Spoiler:
Colin sighed as he relieved himself, aiming into the toilet bowl itself when the pressure in his bladder reduced and he was no longer able to reach his target.
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Old 07-23-2011, 12:52 AM   #8
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I was thinking:

Spoiler:
"... jet of his stream petered out."
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Old 07-23-2011, 06:25 AM   #9
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I was thinking:

Spoiler:
"... jet of his stream petered out."
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Old 07-23-2011, 07:29 AM   #10
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how about..
colin sighed as his intended jet missed the target and turned to a dribble.
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Old 07-23-2011, 07:44 AM   #11
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how about..
colin sighed as his intended jet missed the target and turned to a dribble.
Well that's quite a posting to enter on.

Welcome to MR Shirley!
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Old 07-23-2011, 10:34 AM   #12
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haha..thanks Kenny......but im a lady..with imagination
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Old 07-24-2011, 08:30 AM   #13
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haha..thanks Kenny......but im a lady..with imagination
What sort of toilet games to ladies play?
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Old 07-24-2011, 11:09 AM   #14
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Judging from the amount of time my wife takes, I'm guessing chess.
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:54 PM   #15
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LOL... so what did you decide on?
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