Just ordered a K3 for my friend's wife

JeremyZ · 08-16-2010, 11:59 PM

So, I've known this friend since 7th grade, that'd be 21 years.

He somehow lucked out and married the second best woman in the world. She is beautiful, patient, classy, smart, and gracious. My friend just finished his PhD.

She loves reading and used to post book reviews on livejournal. I've been asking her for a couple years if she is going to get an eBook reader. She kept saying yes. I cornered her and chatted her up on facebook a few days ago. She admitted she was looking for a while, but can't afford one at the moment. Probably school loans. She turns 40 next month.

My friend and I normally don't exchange gifts, and my wife doesn't think it is appropriate to give her a big fat gift like this out of the blue; said I couldn't do it from the house account. But I figure 40 is a biggy for women and it just broke my heart when she said they couldn't afford it right now. So I bought it out of my play money instead of our house account, from which we usually pay for gifts. I feel really good about it. I only hope several of her other friends don't have the same idea, and leave her deciding whose she has to return...

If she reads this and I've ruined the surprise, oh well. I just can't hold it in any more.

Alisa · 08-17-2010, 12:15 AM

That sounds like a lovely, thoughtful gift. In general we don't exchange gifts amongst my friends but that is often overlooked for milestone birthdays like 40. I don't think that is at all out of line for a close friend on a special birthday.

kindlekitten · 08-17-2010, 01:39 AM

good for you! what a great friend you are!

clintbradford · 08-17-2010, 01:48 AM

>> ... and my wife doesn't think it is appropriate ... [but I ignored the woman with whom I made marriage vows, and did it anyway] ...

To me, this spells RED FLAG for your relationship with your wife. You quite obviously still have a childhood crush on and long for this other woman. And you are playing "protector and savior" - evidenced by your own words. Add to this the fact that you have separate "fund accounts" from your wife ... Your relationship is in trouble.

But that's exactly how you want it to be. You like this "thrill" of pleasing this other woman.

Dude - Better pay more and better attention to your wife. That is, IF you value your marriage.

Oh, I can just see you all eReader lovers getting outraged and scream at me that I am off-base. But please take that original post to ANY licensed marital counselor, have them assess it, and THEN come back and post where I am totally wrong.

>> ... If she reads this and I've ruined the surprise, oh well. I just can't hold it in any more ...

You see it as a game. You took the idea to your wife, and she was totally against it. It is no "game" to your wife - you have violated your vows of being true to each other, and have directly gone against what your wife wants. What's next?

kindlekitten · 08-17-2010, 02:18 AM

I'll just address the seperate accounnts issue. did it with both husbands, then had a joint account we paid into. seriously. the only way to do it.

Kevin2960 · 08-17-2010, 02:37 AM

A good person, be they your wife, or your mates wife or your best friend is ALWAYS worthy of a gift,

Sounds to me like you did right, But make it a gift from You and Your Wife ok,

That should placate your wife a little at least !

Good on you anyway !

clintbradford · 08-17-2010, 03:19 AM

>> ... [first marriage dissolved] ...
>> ... [gotta placate your wife] ...

You guys do nothing but bolster my case. Thank you both.

"Placate" suggests changing a hostile or angry attitude to a friendly or favorable one. The wife's response of, Nope - this is inappropriate. Do not do it." is not made out of anger nor is it hostile. It is quite a reasonable response. Why should the wife in this scenario HAVE to agree with the guy's proposal to send a gift to a love interest of her husband's?

Are all men such pigs? Maybe I'll start a new poll on the "What's Wrong With Dating an Old Flame While I'm Married" Web site.

babyd · 08-17-2010, 04:50 AM

ahhhhh a very sweet gesture.......though I have to agree, if I was the wife I'd be fuming that it was done behind my back, good luck with that

captkjaneway · 08-17-2010, 04:53 AM

Blimey! Not sure about this one at all in terms of relationships and trust, however nice the thought. Anyway, I too am 40 this year so any married men who want to p off their wives, or single men who want to annoy their girlfriends let me know and I'll tell you where to send the Kindle

noonionclub · 08-17-2010, 04:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clintbradford

>> ... and my wife doesn't think it is appropriate ... [but I ignored the woman with whom I made marriage vows, and did it anyway] ...

To me, this spells RED FLAG for your relationship with your wife. You quite obviously still have a childhood crush on and long for this other woman. And you are playing "protector and savior" - evidenced by your own words. Add to this the fact that you have separate "fund accounts" from your wife ... Your relationship is in trouble.

But that's exactly how you want it to be. You like this "thrill" of pleasing this other woman.

Dude - Better pay more and better attention to your wife. That is, IF you value your marriage.

Oh, I can just see you all eReader lovers getting outraged and scream at me that I am off-base. But please take that original post to ANY licensed marital counselor, have them assess it, and THEN come back and post where I am totally wrong.

>> ... If she reads this and I've ruined the surprise, oh well. I just can't hold it in any more ...

You see it as a game. You took the idea to your wife, and she was totally against it. It is no "game" to your wife - you have violated your vows of being true to each other, and have directly gone against what your wife wants. What's next?

IMHO, I also agree with Clint. If you had a serious talk with your wife about it and she said no; you should respect her opinion. What's the point of talking to her about it if you decide not to follow it? And you and your friend already established the rules of gift giving between you two and what you are doing is uncalled for. What would your friend think about you giving his wife a Kindle 3? You should be careful not to step on anyone's toes, your wife's and your friend's.

abookreader · 08-17-2010, 06:59 AM

If it were me I think I'd try to get some of those several other friends to go in on a group gift because this sounds way out of the blue and overspent to me.

I suspect it is going to unsettle a couple of people including your wife.

catsittingstill · 08-17-2010, 07:52 AM

For my part

1) I don't see any objection to separate "play money" accounts and a joint account. As long as both partners get play money it is a good way to reduce the tensions that can occur over "but why would you want *that*" purchases. I recently started doing that for our accounts--we each get the same amount of play money each month, and if I want to save mine up to go to a science fiction convention, I can be sure I'm not hurting the household accounts or depriving my husband of his opportunity to spend on stuff he enjoys. So I don't see any problem there.

2) I do think that a big expensive gift (depending on one's finances, even with the recent price drops a Kindle may seem expensive--and the perceptions of the giver, the receiver, and the immediate family all matter in this) coming from an admirer may 1) make the recipient uncomfortable, which is probably not what you had in mind and 2) create tensions with your wife (who might fear, however unreasonably, that this person is a competitor for your affections) and your friend (who might fear, however unreasonably, that you are a competitor for his wife's affections.)

If you are part of a reasonably large circle of friends, such a gift might be more appropriate if the whole group is willing to chip in something toward it.

It is obviously intended as a kindness--to create delight. But you might want to consider how it might inadvertently cause trouble.

Kevin2960 · 08-17-2010, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clintbradford

>> ... [first marriage dissolved] ...
>> ... [gotta placate your wife] ...

You guys do nothing but bolster my case. Thank you both.

"Placate" suggests changing a hostile or angry attitude to a friendly or favorable one. The wife's response of, Nope - this is inappropriate. Do not do it." is not made out of anger nor is it hostile. It is quite a reasonable response. Why should the wife in this scenario HAVE to agree with the guy's proposal to send a gift to a love interest of her husband's?

Are all men such pigs? Maybe I'll start a new poll on the "What's Wrong With Dating an Old Flame While I'm Married" Web site.

Sorry If I'm a Pig, certainly mean't no offence, I actually meant do it with the blessing of the wife, NOT behind her back which would not be good,

I'm comfortable, my wife would not forbid me to give ANYONE such a gift, but if she was reluctant, I'd discuss it with her, then we TOTALLY trust one another, WIERD I guess

Back to the point, Is this about lovers ? or a generous spirit, I hope the latter,

Truly I'm sorry you think me a pig, I didn't read the post fully, and I am nieve, I REALLY thought this was an act of kindness

Wake up Kevin

RDaneel54 · 08-17-2010, 10:32 AM

I would not want to judge intentions or anything else in this scenario.

In our 36 years of marriage, my wife and I have had our share of arguments over money. Money problems are one of the, if not most, common reasons for divorce.

Several years ago we established a family rule about spending money. We talk about everything and reach agreement for all purchases over $100. Also, we generally talk about all other purchases. Gifts are included.

If we do not agree on a purchase, it doesn't happen. Am I sometimes disappointed? Yes. Same for her. Do we sometimes have knock down, drag out arguments over "must have" purchases? Yes. But the rule really does help.

Gifts can easily be misinterpreted. There is no gift worth even the slightest strain in a marriage, mine or someone else's.

As the circumstances are described, I would not go through with this gift. Your mileage may vary.

Dean

clintbradford · 08-17-2010, 10:34 AM

I have privately apologized to Kevin2960 - sorry to have been so harsh in a reply to him. It's just that I have seen this type of action described in the original post too often, and it hasn't ever "helped" a relationship mature and stabilize.

08-16-2010, 11:59 PM	#1
JeremyZ Addict Posts: 303 Karma: 1000702 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Chicago Device: Nook ST, Kindle 2, Samsung Galaxy Stellar phone	Just ordered a K3 for my friend's wife So, I've known this friend since 7th grade, that'd be 21 years. He somehow lucked out and married the second best woman in the world. She is beautiful, patient, classy, smart, and gracious. My friend just finished his PhD. She loves reading and used to post book reviews on livejournal. I've been asking her for a couple years if she is going to get an eBook reader. She kept saying yes. I cornered her and chatted her up on facebook a few days ago. She admitted she was looking for a while, but can't afford one at the moment. Probably school loans. She turns 40 next month. My friend and I normally don't exchange gifts, and my wife doesn't think it is appropriate to give her a big fat gift like this out of the blue; said I couldn't do it from the house account. But I figure 40 is a biggy for women and it just broke my heart when she said they couldn't afford it right now. So I bought it out of my play money instead of our house account, from which we usually pay for gifts. I feel really good about it. I only hope several of her other friends don't have the same idea, and leave her deciding whose she has to return... If she reads this and I've ruined the surprise, oh well. I just can't hold it in any more. Last edited by JeremyZ; 08-17-2010 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Clarified wife's disapproval

08-17-2010, 01:48 AM	#4
clintbradford Older ... slower ... Posts: 450 Karma: 1924 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jurupa Valley CA US Device: Kobo, Kindles 2/3/Keyboard/Fire/Fire HD, HDX.	>> ... and my wife doesn't think it is appropriate ... [but I ignored the woman with whom I made marriage vows, and did it anyway] ... To me, this spells RED FLAG for your relationship with your wife. You quite obviously still have a childhood crush on and long for this other woman. And you are playing "protector and savior" - evidenced by your own words. Add to this the fact that you have separate "fund accounts" from your wife ... Your relationship is in trouble. But that's exactly how you want it to be. You like this "thrill" of pleasing this other woman. Dude - Better pay more and better attention to your wife. That is, IF you value your marriage. Oh, I can just see you all eReader lovers getting outraged and scream at me that I am off-base. But please take that original post to ANY licensed marital counselor, have them assess it, and THEN come back and post where I am totally wrong. >> ... If she reads this and I've ruined the surprise, oh well. I just can't hold it in any more ... You see it as a game. You took the idea to your wife, and she was totally against it. It is no "game" to your wife - you have violated your vows of being true to each other, and have directly gone against what your wife wants. What's next? Last edited by clintbradford; 08-17-2010 at 01:53 AM.

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08-17-2010, 12:15 AM	#2
Alisa Gadget Geek Posts: 2,324 Karma: 22221 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: Paperwhite, Kindle 3 (retired), Skindle 1.2 (retired)	That sounds like a lovely, thoughtful gift. In general we don't exchange gifts amongst my friends but that is often overlooked for milestone birthdays like 40. I don't think that is at all out of line for a close friend on a special birthday.

08-17-2010, 01:39 AM	#3
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	good for you! what a great friend you are!

08-17-2010, 02:18 AM	#5
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	I'll just address the seperate accounnts issue. did it with both husbands, then had a joint account we paid into. seriously. the only way to do it.

08-17-2010, 02:37 AM	#6
Kevin2960 YODA's Uglier Twin Posts: 974 Karma: 6295251 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Leicester, UK Device: PRS-600 and 2 Kindle 3's - and now a K4 + HTC Desire HD	A good person, be they your wife, or your mates wife or your best friend is ALWAYS worthy of a gift, Sounds to me like you did right, But make it a gift from You and Your Wife ok, That should placate your wife a little at least ! Good on you anyway !

08-17-2010, 03:19 AM	#7
clintbradford Older ... slower ... Posts: 450 Karma: 1924 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jurupa Valley CA US Device: Kobo, Kindles 2/3/Keyboard/Fire/Fire HD, HDX.	>> ... [first marriage dissolved] ... >> ... [gotta placate your wife] ... You guys do nothing but bolster my case. Thank you both. "Placate" suggests changing a hostile or angry attitude to a friendly or favorable one. The wife's response of, Nope - this is inappropriate. Do not do it." is not made out of anger nor is it hostile. It is quite a reasonable response. Why should the wife in this scenario HAVE to agree with the guy's proposal to send a gift to a love interest of her husband's? Are all men such pigs? Maybe I'll start a new poll on the "What's Wrong With Dating an Old Flame While I'm Married" Web site.

08-17-2010, 04:50 AM	#8
babyd Addict Posts: 384 Karma: 1567 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: UK Device: Sony:505, 600, 350, 650, Kindle 3 & PW, Kobo Mini & Aura HD	ahhhhh a very sweet gesture.......though I have to agree, if I was the wife I'd be fuming that it was done behind my back, good luck with that

08-17-2010, 04:53 AM	#9
captkjaneway Cockney Sci-Fi Geek! Posts: 472 Karma: 1463094 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Wan Chai, Hong Kong Device: Kindle Paperwhite, Samsung Tab S 8.4", Samsung S6 Edge	Blimey! Not sure about this one at all in terms of relationships and trust, however nice the thought. Anyway, I too am 40 this year so any married men who want to p off their wives, or single men who want to annoy their girlfriends let me know and I'll tell you where to send the Kindle

08-17-2010, 06:59 AM	#11
abookreader Wizard Posts: 1,516 Karma: 2567610 Join Date: Oct 2009 Device: Kindles - Keyboard, Fire, 2-US, iPhone, iPAD	If it were me I think I'd try to get some of those several other friends to go in on a group gift because this sounds way out of the blue and overspent to me. I suspect it is going to unsettle a couple of people including your wife.

08-17-2010, 07:52 AM	#12
catsittingstill Guru Posts: 643 Karma: 551634 Join Date: Dec 2007 Device: Kindle 1.0.8, iPod Touch, Kindle Keyboard	For my part 1) I don't see any objection to separate "play money" accounts and a joint account. As long as both partners get play money it is a good way to reduce the tensions that can occur over "but why would you want that" purchases. I recently started doing that for our accounts--we each get the same amount of play money each month, and if I want to save mine up to go to a science fiction convention, I can be sure I'm not hurting the household accounts or depriving my husband of his opportunity to spend on stuff he enjoys. So I don't see any problem there. 2) I do think that a big expensive gift (depending on one's finances, even with the recent price drops a Kindle may seem expensive--and the perceptions of the giver, the receiver, and the immediate family all matter in this) coming from an admirer may 1) make the recipient uncomfortable, which is probably not what you had in mind and 2) create tensions with your wife (who might fear, however unreasonably, that this person is a competitor for your affections) and your friend (who might fear, however unreasonably, that you are a competitor for his wife's affections.) If you are part of a reasonably large circle of friends, such a gift might be more appropriate if the whole group is willing to chip in something toward it. It is obviously intended as a kindness--to create delight. But you might want to consider how it might inadvertently cause trouble.

08-17-2010, 10:32 AM	#14
RDaneel54 Aging Positronic Brain Posts: 633 Karma: 2155452 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Aurora (when off-Earth) Device: Amazon Oasis; iPhone, iPad Mini	I would not want to judge intentions or anything else in this scenario. In our 36 years of marriage, my wife and I have had our share of arguments over money. Money problems are one of the, if not most, common reasons for divorce. Several years ago we established a family rule about spending money. We talk about everything and reach agreement for all purchases over $100. Also, we generally talk about all other purchases. Gifts are included. If we do not agree on a purchase, it doesn't happen. Am I sometimes disappointed? Yes. Same for her. Do we sometimes have knock down, drag out arguments over "must have" purchases? Yes. But the rule really does help. Gifts can easily be misinterpreted. There is no gift worth even the slightest strain in a marriage, mine or someone else's. As the circumstances are described, I would not go through with this gift. Your mileage may vary. Dean

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08-17-2010, 10:34 AM	#15
clintbradford Older ... slower ... Posts: 450 Karma: 1924 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jurupa Valley CA US Device: Kobo, Kindles 2/3/Keyboard/Fire/Fire HD, HDX.	I have privately apologized to Kevin2960 - sorry to have been so harsh in a reply to him. It's just that I have seen this type of action described in the original post too often, and it hasn't ever "helped" a relationship mature and stabilize.