Rate the Paragraph posted in front of yours

[AnnGirdharry]

I'd like to start a thread where you can post a paragraph or so of your work (word count guideline 150 words max) and get back comments from the next person in line.

The next person will give the previous paragraph a score out of ten
give a couple of positive comments (3 max)
plus some suggestions for improvement (2 max)
then post a paragraph of their own work on which they will receive comments from the next person in line

etc.
Anyone interested in participating?

Let's kick it off!

My paragraph-

The man at the apartment door emanated the resilience of someone who'd delved into many a gruesome murder. Probably in his early fifties, and with a grey pallor to his complexion, he seemed to have been permanently impregnated with the dirty side of London. Kal noted his shrewd, panoramic sweep of the environment, which drank in details without appearing to do so.
She’d learned how to read people's faces and interpret their behaviour from an early age. With exactitude she'd been tutored in how to assess someone from a few snatches of conversation and how to read body language and the subtle messages people tried so hard to hide. Yes, Kal thought, this man will pretend to be starting from zero, whereas in reality he’s made a running start with his veiled appraisal of me and Sarah and the state of the apartment.

note1- I have edited para to paragraph as per Dr Drib's comment in the next post
note2 -I have participated in two writers' forums where a thread of this type has worked extremely well, despite its limitations

[Dr. Drib]

Is it too much work to write the word 'paragraph'?

[gmw]

Um ... can I start with a few general comments first. Evaluating isolated paragraphs is fraught with problems. To take your own example for ... um ... example. This paragraph isn't going well , so I'll start another.

Context is everything. In isolation your example paragraph has problems that might not exist in context. In isolation the information comes out of order so that it is difficult to follow: Why is "the man" only "probably" in his fifties - oh, that's because this is being observed by "Kal". Then it turns out that "Kal" is presumably a "she", only guessing by the fact that so far we have only "the man" and "Kal". Then we might wonder why it was necessary to tell the reader why Kal was observer, if this paragraph occurred in the middle of other text then the observer is possibly a given.

A common piece of advice is to "show don't tell", but the fact is that sometimes it is more practical to do a short piece of telling to remove the need for a long piece of showing and let you get on with the story. So in context a paragraph of telling may be acceptable, but in isolation it may appear less than ideal.

The type of story and writer change what the reader expects. I get into a rhythm with the writing such that the early paragraphs may seem a bit slow and awkward but slowly I fall in with the mood and style and everything smooths out.

And so on. This is makes evaluation difficult. It means submitters will need to be careful to choose a the paragraph that works well in isolation. ... And I'm not sure your paragraph was well chosen in this regard.

Originally Posted by AnnGirdharry

[...]
The man at the apartment door emanated the resilience of someone who'd delved into many a gruesome murder. Probably in his early fifties, and with a grey pallor to his complexion, he seemed to have been permanently impregnated with the dirty side of London. Kal noted his shrewd, panoramic sweep of the environment, which drank in details without appearing to do so. She’d learned how to read people's faces and interpret their behaviour from an early age. With exactitude she'd been tutored in how to assess someone from a few snatches of conversation and how to read body language and the subtle messages people tried so hard to hide. Yes, Kal thought, this man will pretend to be starting from zero, whereas in reality he’s made a running start with his veiled appraisal of me and Sarah and the state of the apartment.

Positives: It sets a definite mood, sort of suspicious and wary. It's detailed, presumably taken from near the opening of a scene, and tells the reader quite a lot about both of the protagonists.

Suggestions: It's too long; I don't think this is really a single paragraph - or shouldn't be. That adds to what I see as the biggest problem I have with it: it's too flowery and too much of an information dump in one lump. There is room here ("Kal noted his shrewd ...") to move some of this dump into action rather than description.

Score: 6/10 (I feel a bit mean scoring this low, the text is obviously eloquent, but I do feel that the paragraph is too long and flowery.)


Now what to choose for my part of the bargain? Do I go for something I think is reasonably good, or something that I think could use some help? The latter, I think, is a more profitable way to benefit from this thread. So let's try this:

We don't actually keep minute to minute track of each other. There is a not-so-subtle emphasis to the words. This is in code. I can't remember exactly how we started it, but it's quite precise. An exact time means this is an appointment, I should pay attention. That it's given as Dan is leaving suggests that Kat wants to spend some quality time with me – like codes, euphemisms become a habit when there are kids about. Translated, this code means I should not come back before then, but I'd better arrive soon after. Now I understand why Kat was looking impatient this morning, and I wonder how many times she's had to adjust the timing as I lay sleeping. I was lucky it was still on.

[HarryT]

Is the character "Kal" an American? If not, why would he or she be "thinking" in American English? That takes me right out of the story. I also agree that it's too flowery, in particular the sentence:

With exactitude she'd been tutored in how to assess someone from a few snatches of conversation and how to read body language and the subtle messages people tried so hard to hide.

The word order is awkward; it feels clumsy to start a sentence with the phrase "with exactitude".