Which tagline works better?

Gregg Bell · 11-24-2014, 11:05 PM

Here's the blurb:

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't—and he's on to her.

But that’s not the only mistake Phoebe makes as she gets drawn into Michael “Fingertips” Contini’s dangerous world of wealth and power. She might be falling in love with him.

Her ex’s best friend, ex-cop Brent, tries to warn her but she’s in too deep—or is she?

And here are the covers with the different taglines.

ATDrake · 11-24-2014, 11:13 PM

2nd tagline seems better oriented for a suspense book with a plucky heroine in it. It conveys the desperation and lengths she's willing to go to for her kid, but also has a double-meaning kind of hint for the eventual romance, both with the mobster and the ex-cop (I'm assuming that her maybe-love does not turn the heart of the mobster), IMHO.

1st tagline seems more of a "rescue romance" kind of thing where it's like the guy swoops in to save the day (of course, that might better reflect the actual story if that is indeed the case of him following her after something goes wrong).

Nabeel · 11-25-2014, 08:26 PM

First tagline sounds better to me. Second one sounds vaguely sinister without relating to anything specific.

Antoinekamel · 11-25-2014, 09:00 PM

What about "Sometimes Love reveals more than love"?

Dr. Drib · 11-25-2014, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Antoinekamel

What about "Sometimes Love reveals more than love"?

You mean like STD?

Gregg Bell · 11-26-2014, 01:41 AM

Thanks everybody. I'm actually thinking of using a new cover. Someone pointed out that the couple are naked and pretty hot and heavy. And how concerned about her dangerously ill kid can the woman be? So it looks like back to the drawing board. Working on a new blurb too. Check back for updates, will you? Your feedback is coveted. (Even Dr. Drib's.)

11-24-2014, 11:05 PM	#1
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Which tagline works better? Here's the blurb: What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid? She can make a mistake. In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't—and he's on to her. But that’s not the only mistake Phoebe makes as she gets drawn into Michael “Fingertips” Contini’s dangerous world of wealth and power. She might be falling in love with him. Her ex’s best friend, ex-cop Brent, tries to warn her but she’s in too deep—or is she? And here are the covers with the different taglines.

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11-24-2014, 11:13 PM	#2
ATDrake Wizzard Posts: 11,517 Karma: 33048258 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Roundworld Device: Kindle 2 International, Sony PRS-T1, BlackBerry PlayBook, Acer Iconia	2nd tagline seems better oriented for a suspense book with a plucky heroine in it. It conveys the desperation and lengths she's willing to go to for her kid, but also has a double-meaning kind of hint for the eventual romance, both with the mobster and the ex-cop (I'm assuming that her maybe-love does not turn the heart of the mobster), IMHO. 1st tagline seems more of a "rescue romance" kind of thing where it's like the guy swoops in to save the day (of course, that might better reflect the actual story if that is indeed the case of him following her after something goes wrong).

11-25-2014, 08:26 PM	#3
Nabeel Zealot Posts: 147 Karma: 2747136 Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Britain Device: Kobo Aura One	First tagline sounds better to me. Second one sounds vaguely sinister without relating to anything specific.

11-25-2014, 09:00 PM	#4
Antoinekamel Addict Posts: 278 Karma: 2511467 Join Date: Feb 2012 Device: ABC W p2	What about "Sometimes Love reveals more than love"?

11-26-2014, 01:41 AM	#6
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Thanks everybody. I'm actually thinking of using a new cover. Someone pointed out that the couple are naked and pretty hot and heavy. And how concerned about her dangerously ill kid can the woman be? So it looks like back to the drawing board. Working on a new blurb too. Check back for updates, will you? Your feedback is coveted. (Even Dr. Drib's.)

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