Unutterably Silly All Clichés and Nothing but Clichés Story Thread

[Fat Abe]

In this little thread you are requested to construct a story using clichés and hackneyed expressions. A story so pathethic that even a pseudonym like Cordwainer Birdpoop would not be overkill. Let us begin. You, the reader can add your own versions.

It was a dark and stormy night. Exactly the same as last night and many nights before that. I was on foot in South Central, hoping to find work as a private dick or ambulance chaser. A hooker told me I looked like the Marlboro man, or something to that effect. She looked beautiful in a gutteral sort of way. You know, when you're down in the gutter, and your eyes are blurry? Even MacGyver in a wig would look trés chic.

Before another cab went by, a bum accosted me, "Brotha, can you spare a dime? Better yet can you rub two nickels for me."

"Just the facts, bum. You look like you're caught between a rock and a hard place. No job, no income, no future, huh?" I sympathized with him. There but for the grace of God went me. I handed him a fat Susan B. Anthony coin. It had two heads, although the bum wouldn't have noticed. Only a storekeeper would, and besides, what can you buy for a buck nowadays, anyway?

A hoochie walked past me. She was as cool as a cucumber and as hot as asphalt. Her knockers warned of her presence half a block away. It was fun looking at her as she came and went. Then she turned around.

"Mister, can you please help me? I seem to be lost, and need a boy scout to help me find my way to Auntie's house."

Yeah, right. If this dame had an auntie, it was probably her madam. So I sez to her, "Sure I can help you. You are looking for a house of ill-repute, right?"

I could see a slap coming from the corner of my eye, but it never arrived. You're thinkin' I'm refering to the slap, but I was going to mention my eye. You see, I have amblyopia or lazy eye. Because of that handicap, I never made it to the police force. That and the fact that I'm basically honest disqualified me. Before she could slap me I got out the words, "I love you, baby." She stopped and laughed. Nothing like a sense of humor to disarm a woman.

"This looks like the beginning of a long relationship," she purred.

"Let's just get to the nearest bar, sweetie." I took her arm in mine, and we walked to Snoop Dawg's tavern. "The night is young, the moon is bright. I only have eyes for you." These lines work all the time, and if they don't, there's always Jack Daniels.

(to be continued, or should we request a mercy killing?)

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by Fat Abe

A hoochie walked past me. She was as cool as a cucumber and as hot as asphalt. Her knockers warned of her presence half a block away.

Thanks for the belly laugh.

[GA Russell]

So I sez to the woman out walking her single pet anteater, I sez, "Juanita, to thine own self be true."

She spat her words out like Al Capone's tommy gun. "Hey Joe, you got gum?"

"No, but what do you say I buy you a frank," I said with relish.

She said, "Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?"

"Did you ever have to make up your mind?"

"Don't be afraid. You can call me."

"We can work it out," I said.

"Are the stars out tonight? I don't know if it's cloudy or bright."

"Let's go to the hop," I said.

"Let's twist again like we did last summer!"

Meanwhile, I'm still thinking...

[Fat Abe]

"The best laid plans of mice and men ... go astray. Hiccup."

"Schemes not plans, and gang aft agley, you drunk."

"Tomorrow never comes."

"Not if you're hung over for 36 hours."

"It wasn't the airplane that killed the beast. It wasn't even beauty. It was ACROPHOBIA that killed the ape."

"I found God on the corner of First and Amistad. He granted me absolution and handed me a bottle of vodka with roughly the same name."

"Believe it or not, I have my moments of lucidity. Like, right after a glass of Glenlivet, I can see right through the glass. Hehe."

"Hey big spender, spend ... a little dime on me."

"She was more like a beauty queen from a comic scene. 'Cuz Billie Jean was not my lover."

"Who was she?"

"I dunno. Some girl I met in the men's room."

"Smile, darn ya smile. Laugh and the whole world laughs at you."

"Oh, shut up. I came to this bar to forget. Not to be happy."

"I found despair, at the bottom of a whiskey glass. It was empty. Bwah wah."

"You see that butt ugly woman over there?"

"Yeah."

"That means you must be sober."