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BookCat, you have been very kind in your assessment. One of the reasons I left this alone was that I could not make out the true intention of the post and sample text; it did not seem like a serious offering to me.
The text as it is now is too poorly presented to even start to make out the the story. It looks like it was typed in as a series of text messages on a phone. Poor sentence structure, poor paragraphing, inconsistent dialogue presentation. It is barely comprehensible, and very few readers are going to put in the effort needed to understand the text.
Either the author is lazy or they do not know how to present narrative text in English, either problem can be fixed. Do the best you can to make the text understandable first, then ask some friends - who read English stories and know how they should be presented - to help you check the text before going public again. As it is now, all you are doing is turning people away.
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